What are your relationships with your siblings like?

Foxriver8

1trainer1, do you live near each other?

As I have a small family I had always assumed we would be closer than that; neither of us have any kids at the mo but I think (hope) we both will (touch wood) and I had assumed our kids would be close. But it seems he is very much a part of his fianc!es family and will have nothing to do with me. I find that very sad, but starting to see that it's something I don't have any control over.

Anyway, fine, so we're not going to be close, so I would take the kind of situation you have - but he seems to want it to be horrible awkward silences, ignoring me and shooting daggers everytime I speak, whether to him or not.

It's so horrible that I had plans to meet my dad at mum and dads house last week and it turned out he had dropped by unexpectedly with the fianc!e. I pulled up, saw his car, and was tempted to drive away and just wait somewhere for him to leave

lazer

Foxriver - here is a piece of advice someone give me about my relationship with my brother


You can't control how your brother acts, what he does, or what he says, but you can control your reaction to it.


So don't waste your own time and emotion on trying to change him, just consider yourself, your reaction could be to let everything he says slide, or to tell him it hurts you etc, but don't expect him to change.


I have one brother, 2 years older, and although I would love us to be close, we aren't, I still send Christmas presents, occasional messages etc, and so does he, but we never ring each other, he never visits, etc (I do visit him occasionally - like once every few years (He lives in England, I live in Ireland).


Our relationship does upset me, but I try not to dwell on it.

Mojisola

miss_independent wrote: »

I'm going to try having better boundaries when they come to stay and calmly say, "I don't deserve to be spoken to/treated like that. I'm respectful and kind to you and I expect that treatment back."

Why allow people who treat you so badly to stay at your house?

miss_independent

Mojisola wrote: »

Why allow people who treat you so badly to stay at your house?

My Mum arranges it...:cool: And there's also an expectation, I'll just get a phonecall saying "We are coming over on x date, have already booked travel etc".

I don't think they would necessarily fork out the money to come and visit my parents otherwise and they are getting older. Mum gets really overwhelmed and stressed when they stay at hers and I don't think it's fair on an older, physically unwell person.

So in short, I guess I try to put my own feelings aside and do it for the rest of the family, for them to have a bond and so my parents don't feel rejected.

Jagraf

I have a brother - we love each other dearly but have absolutely nothing in common - very different people and lifestyles. We see each other as and when we are available - no stress. As we are so different we don't spend holidays together as we want different things. I think my folks did a good job bringjng us up so well as individuals.

My oh has a sister abd our families are very close.

If you are lucky some of your family become friends - but to me my friends are my family just as much.

Mojisola

miss_independent wrote: »

My Mum arranges it...:cool: And there's also an expectation, I'll just get a phonecall saying "We are coming over on x date, have already booked travel etc".

I don't think they would necessarily fork out the money to come and visit my parents otherwise and they are getting older. Mum gets really overwhelmed and stressed when they stay at hers and I don't think it's fair on an older, physically unwell person.

So in short, I guess I try to put my own feelings aside and do it for the rest of the family, for them to have a bond and so my parents don't feel rejected.

I thought you'd sorted out ways of handling horrible guests after all the strain with your cousin.

Does your OH support you at all when your relatives behave badly in your (joint) home?

You are putting up with them for the sake of your parents - it wouldn't do them any harm to be polite to you during their stay.

AndyBSG

Have a younger brother and sister and my relationship with them is OK.

See them every few weeks and my sister can be hard work, she loves my daughter but I rarely seem to actually converse with her. 'Surly' is the word I would use to describe her.

Get on reasonably well with my brother who is the youngest but he does get on my nerves sometimes!

miss_independent

Foxriver8 wrote: »

Miss independent, that does sound very sad, I feel awful for you and I do seem similarities between our situations - particularly "the brat", that is my name too !!!! isn't it?

I guess what I struggle with is that my brother isn't a bad person, he is just horrible to me. But then the ONE time I give it back to him he scuttles away and HE ends the relationship and I'M the bad guy! !!!!!!?!

I wish I had some advice for you. All I would say is id be telling those ignorant kids to shove it, especially the comments about you need to earn more money!!!! :mad::mad:

Yep...my brother isn't a genuinely bad person either. He's a popular guy and very helpful to people - has loads of friends etc. I think he could have been a lot better at parenting skills than he has (rather than letting the kids do whatever they want and allowing them to be rude and arrogant etc) but I have no doubt he adores his kids. He just treats me differently.

Perhaps, with you and I, it's just that we have VASTLY different personalities to our brothers? Like my brother can be ignorant, outspoken and matter of fact to the point of being hurtful and rude. He is disrespectful and doesn't understand social graces, so he hasn't raised his kids with manners etc. I'm constantly trying to be accommodating of others, manners are a huge deal to me, as are kindness and respect etc and I wear my heart on my sleeve which means I can get easily hurt and I'm sensitive. If my brother has a problem he will blow up and have a massive argument about it whereas if I have a problem, I brood about it and don't say anything directly (which unfortunately can create an atmosphere and make other people feel uncomfortable). Brother is a hard case, I'm a soft touch. It's easy to see why there would be a personality clash, isn't it?

I wonder if it's ever occurred to your brother that youdon't actually like him very much? From what you've written, it's almost as if he is on a pedestal and you desperately want him to like you. He has a position of superiority and is making you feel unlikeable. But really...from everything you've written, why would you like someone who treats you like that? You don't have to put up with that. Lazer's advice is spot on. The best thing is to separate yourself from your need to have a close relationship with him and focus on how you can control your reaction when he treats you a certain way.

miss_independent

Mojisola wrote: »

I thought you'd sorted out ways of handling horrible guests after all the strain with your cousin.

Does your OH support you at all when your relatives behave badly in your (joint) home?

You are putting up with them for the sake of your parents - it wouldn't do them any harm to be polite to you during their stay.

Nope. Cousins no longer stay though . Their marriage broke up, kids are older, live with their Dad now and no longer see my cousin (their Mum) don't want to come here anymore etc. Sad story really. But obviously things weren't right in the family dynamic which is perhaps why they were such a nightmare when they came to stay.

I'm single. So there is no one to back me up. Have to do it myself!

Mojisola

miss_independent wrote: »

I'm single. So there is no one to back me up. Have to do it myself!

You sound such a nice person with others around you who take advantage of that niceness!

Both yours and Foxriver8's relatives are able to behave properly with other people - how sad that they treat their sisters so badly.