New here and really need to sort myself out(please move if in wrong place)

maman

gemmajenkins0208 wrote: »

I just said I needed to remind him otherwise he gets caught up in his own stuff and forgets to do the things I asked of him, which really, in essence, are MY things that I should be doing(changing the bed etc.).

:eek::eek::eek:


Where does he sleep then???:rotfl:


I might expect that sort of comment from an older generation but I despair when I hear it from young women. Like tiddlywinks keeps pointing out there are 6 adults in your home and two in your relationship so why on earth is it your job to change the bed linen? There will be certain tasks in every home to keep things running smoothly such as cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry etc. The tasks need to be shared out depending on who has the skills and the time. I believe your dad, BF and brother's GF should be doing a bigger share of domestic tasks to balance the work the other three do outside the home.


Tell me you didn't mean that the way it came across.:D

gemmajenkins0208

Well, no, I didn't mean it entirely in that way.

But when he goes home for a few weeks for Christmas, am I just supposed to leave the changing of bedsheets until he comes back? Thought not

Like at his house, his mum doesn't even go into his room, he puts new bedsheets on when he gets home, and takes them off and puts them in the wash when he leaves. When he's not there the bed remains unmade. After all, there's no one there to sleep in it.

Just in case you're confused, he doesn't live here officially, he just stays for ages and ages and then goes home for a couple weeks every now and then to see his family

whiteguineapig

i'm reading you'r other thread gemma, well done on the keeping fit, please give jogging a try , you might like it!

gemmajenkins0208

I shall whiteguineapig

Planning to set up a good routine when my time off work starts on Sunday

maman

gemmajenkins0208 wrote: »

Well, no, I didn't mean it entirely in that way.

That's good!;)


I can see now why the situation occurs. As he's a sort of 'guest' in your home so I can see why you'd feel it was up to you to change the bed linen but as he's there a lot during the day and you're at work then no problem with him helping out.:)


Sorry if my reaction was a bit extreme but I read too many threads on here about women taking on full responsibility for everything in the home and also going to work. It's as if they take on a domestic role like their mother's/grandmother's generation but ignore the fact that those women didn't have a job outside the home, in many cases had little education or training and housework was all they knew. You can't blame men for accepting it if they can get away with it! Sometimes it's mothers who treat boys differently and wait on them hand and foot that are responsible for perpetuating this but it doesn't sound like BF's mother is one of those.


Hope the sun is shining where you are. It's glorious here.:)

Tiddlywinks

Gemma - you said....

gemmajenkins0208 wrote: »

No my bf and i share a room, but if i don't give him things to do to keep him occupied he will just sit in bed all day and do absolutely nothing, not even his daily job search(things happened in his life before i met him so I'm trying to help him gain that 'structure' again so he doesn't fall off the wagon again)

So, BF doesn't 'officially' live with you and is still on the books as being in Essex?

Sorry, but from a benefits perspective this is just wrong on many levels. What address does the DWP use for correspondence for him?

Firstly, he's receiving JSA so he needs to be available for interviews and work etc. Is he applying for jobs in Essex or near Liskeard?

Does your dad declare that BF is living with you when his benefits are calculated?

When you claimed benefits did you say you had a partner?

He IS living with you - I don't get why you think it's otherwise.

He is 29 and you are 26? What are your plans in life? Your aspirations? Are you a couple or aren't you?

At his age my husband was married, in the army and had been to several war zones. He knew how to cook, clean, plan his life and generally get out of bed without needing a boot up the jacksy.

He is a grown up, able bodied adult.

It's time to stop apologising for him and look at him and your life together in the cold light of day.

gemmajenkins0208

Thank you maman, and no harm done Oh, and it's kind of cloudy here actually

Tiddlywinks, I really need to clarify a few things:

BF moved down from Essex with family when he was 10(sure I said that before). Now he lives somewhere which is about 10-15 minutes drive from where I live(or an hour and a half by train and on foot :rotfl: ) hence the staying here for a while then going home for a while. When he had the car he could decide to go home for a bit at 11pm if he really wanted to, and he did a few times.

I did tell the benefits office about him yes as did he about me but as he wasn't living here, we both got our separate benefits and nothing was affected. Oh, and they know he stays here and they are fine with it as the jobcentre is where I live and not where he lives(as noted before, without the car it would take him an hour and a half to get there) so they agree with us that it's better for him from a travel cost point of view.

Tiddlywinks

So, his parents are in Cornwall and close by - why don't you both stay there for a while?

It seems he's just staying with you for convenience rather than because you are committed to wanting to live together.

Lots of questions have been asked about what you want from life - ChicaBonita asked some pretty specific stuff and gave loads of help yet you haven't really answered.

So, cutting out all the peripheral issues...

What do YOU want out of life?

How do YOU plan to achieve your goals?

Is your BF of a like mind?

You're an adult in your mid 20s and not a teenager - you must surely have an idea of how you want your life to go.

You could take an OU course, do evening classes, consider setting up your own business.... it's all there for you.

I guess what I'm saying is that do you want to wake up in 15 years time and realise that you've completely missed the boat?

gemmajenkins0208

Yes, but his parents are very traditional and don't like to have partners under the same roof. My bf has a sister who has a partner she is engaged to and he isn't allowed to stay at their house.

No, of course I don't, but everything more or less costs money. I want to do it the right way too, I don't want to look for a place to rent or whatever and then have to receive housing benefit etc. just to help me pay the rent because I'm on a low income right now. You keep saying about being who I want to be and doing what I want to do, well relying on benefits just to pay my rent isn't very independent is it? :rotfl:

I am putting in the request for more hours at work tomorrow, which is also my last day before my holiday. Plenty of time for them to sort it all out before I come back off holiday and hopefully into new hours and more money.

suki1964

Once again Gemma, you have sidestepped the question about what do you want , where do you want to be in 5 years, and how are you fpgoing to achieve that

I'm also concerned about these extra hours in work. How do you know there are extra hours for you? You started this thread saying you were going to ask, the other day you stated that you will be starting them on return from your leave, now it transpires you haven't even asked for them

Putting a letter in on your last day before holidays for them to sort it out, doesn't mean there are hours and if there were you would be getting them

In my experience of retail, we kept our part timers part time so they would be available for covering holiday periods. If they wanted full time or more hours they had to wait for a vacancy and apply for it along with any one else