New here and really need to sort myself out(please move if in wrong place)

maman

Much the same message although different words tiddlywinks.

gemmajenkins0208

I will be roping everyone into helping clear up, make no mistake about that.

Even if, due to my dad's disability, he has to sit while he helps. I can hand him a box and he can go through it.

Bf had a phone call yesterday and is being put on a course at long last! He has an initial meeting thing on Friday 20th then the course will most probably start the following Monday or Monday after that, and by then, I should be on my new hours at work.

I just made myself a healthy between breakfast and lunch snack of yogurt with strawberries and raspberries sprinkled on top(from things mum got yesterday) and persuaded my brother to try a bit and he ended up making himself some too.

As for what the 3 adults do with their spare time, my dad is registered disabled, so he can't do much, but he does what he can, he plans out all the finances etc., he has control of the upkeep of the car, he carts people around as and when they need it.

My bf doesn't do much right now apart from his jobsearch each day and odd jobs around the house as and when, but hopefully with this course coming up, that will fill his time for a bit.

As for my brothers gf, she is basically a complete and utter lazy bum! She does absolutely sod all, or if she does, it's on her terms and as and when it suits her. We can all see it apart from my brother, but trying to talk to him about is like waiting for a ticking time bomb to go off. He's very defensive over her. It's all very strange in that department so we just leave it well alone. She's not costing us any money as such(well obviously she does, but please use your brain to think about what i mean here!) and she's not roped into the whole loan thing.

Tiddlywinks

So, getting down to the detail...

What course is your BF going to attend? How long, how many days per week?

He needs a plan of things to do around the course attendance as well.

If he really wants to get work then he needs to be doing EVERYTHING he can to get experience and references.

The course aside, which is good news, he still needs other things on the go.

So, he needs to try getting into volunteering or trying a window cleaning, general labouring, gardening type of self employment. He needs to condition himself back into being up and active during normal working hours.

There is absolutely no excuse for a 29 year old fit and healthy man to just sit around all day - which is not good for his mental health and social skills. Far better to get out and do something, ANYTHING productive.

You are in danger of just letting him off the hook by focussing only on the course. Millions of people everywhere manage a full time job and voluntary work so I've no doubt he could find something to fit his lifestyle.

As to you brother's GF - it's not a hotel so she is part of the household and needs to accept some chores. Just being in the house, she will be contributing to the dust, grime etc of everyday living.

It's just being avoided at the moment to keep the peace but that needs to change. If your brother and his GF don't want to help to clean and maintain the house they live in then they can just move out on their own. It really is that simple and, yet again, comes down to a complete lack of communication between all of you.

Who cleans the house? Kitchen, bathroom, vacuuming etc? The GF does impact on all these areas so she needs to get involved in the cleaning or move out. Why should she get a free ride?

Honestly, if you lot can't even discuss this stuff then there's no hope in changing anything.

You can either stay and be the house skivvy (still working your job too) whilst others just loaf around and watch you work or you can move on and leave them to it.

I know which I'd choose.

gemmajenkins0208

Easier said than done Tiddlywinks.

You're telling me if you had a family - you, partner and a couple of children - if none of them pulled their weight, you'd just move out and be your own independent self and let them deal with the mess and destruction you leave behind?

We've already been through that once in his household, we don't want that happening again.

Tiddlywinks

gemmajenkins0208 wrote: »

Easier said than done Tiddlywinks.

You're telling me if you had a family - you, partner and a couple of children - if none of them pulled their weight, you'd just move out and be your own independent self and let them deal with the mess and destruction you leave behind?

We've already been through that once in his household, we don't want that happening again.

No. I'd try to communicate between ourselves. If we were all adults and some were just taking the pee then, yes, I'd eventually just go it alone because life is too short to be used as a dogsbody where the perpetrators clearly wouldn't have any concern about my well being.

But we are talking about your situation and that involves SIX ADULTS.

I'd sit everyone down and set some house rules - then breaking those rules brings consequences.

Refuse to sit down then, yes, ask them to leave as they are taking the mick.

Don't cook or clean? Then don't get use of the kitchen and don't get fed.

At the moment you're all doing your own thing and some are doing a lot (your mum) and some are doing nothing (BF and brother's GF).

If they don't think it's worth even listening to what you have to say then they are not worth the effort.

It's about valuing yourself - would you treat them the way they treat you? Probably not, so why put up with it?

So, back to basics, what else is your BF doing to fill his CV and what are the course details ?

... and just to repeat the really important bit; they are all adults!

ChicaBonita

Hello Gemma. I read your thread yesterday, and I've been thinking about you today (in the least creepy way possible, I promise!!)
I think we're a similar age (I read that you are 26? I'm 25) and always find it interesting to find someone else that is in their mid-to-late twenties (although inside I'm sure you feel like you're 18 like me:rotfl:) Anyway, we are also similar in that we both live at home, I'm just with my mum and two younger brothers though.
I'm sorry if some of my comments seem like repeats of other posters....you have already had some great feedback, I just wanted to put my two cents in there.

1) Your relationship with your bf scares me a little. Now, before you think I'm being super harsh - I completely understand depression,anxiety, the feeling that you just can't get started, which I sense might be his issue with getting off the starting blocks when it comes to jobs. It's horrible, I get it. BUT, if you have to give him a list of tasks to get done in a day, because otherwise he won't do anything (including his job searches!), just imagine what it will be like when you eventually move out together......
Let me put it this way, my bf is in no way perfect, and I have to NAG HIM TO DEATH to do certain tasks. But when it comes to the important stuff, the stuff that gets money in the bank and food in our mouths, he does it off his own back. If you have to do these small things now for him, it's going to be 100 times harder when you move out, and if you plan on having children, you can include him as child number X because you will have to look after him too.
Where do you want to be in 5 years time? It may seem like a long way away, but 5 years starts NOW, it starts with every today, and every single decision we make today affects our tomorrow, our 1 year, 2 year, 3 years down the lane.

2) Your parents. This is a tough one. Your mum works (is that right?) and your dad can't. This isn't necessarily about the money they bring in/can't bring in. If I think a relationship isn't working for me, I think to myself, what am I getting out of this relationship? What value is there in this relationship for me? And then finally I think, what do I bring to this relationship?
These are your parents, I get it. They are not going anywhere emotionally, they will always be Mum and Dad. But you are all adults, and an adult relationship has to be about give and take. You do your bit to help them out, what are they doing to help you out? What are THEY doing about the financial situation you are all in? I agree with other posters re: moving out - they may rely on your keep money, but honestly it's your life and they will make it work if you were to go. I would hate for you to look back and wonder what would have happened if you' moved out even just a year earlier.....You can't be held hostage by your family.

I saw a comment in another of your threads, that if you bought healthy food just for yourself into the house, your mum would say "oh it's unfair you should've bought for everyone else" You know what? Do it, and if she says oh it's unfair, just say to her, "Ok then, give me the grocery budget for next week and I'll do it for all of us." If she says no, then ok she can't say it's unfair! It;s all too easy to revert to child mode when a parent tells us something is wrong, that we should do x and can't do y, but you're your own person, and while they can give you your input it's you that has to live your life. So I think you need to assert yourself more. Better said than done, but it is possible to say "no mum, I don't agree with you." It might ruffle feathers at first but believe me they will respect you more for it in the long run.

3) Your job. I can't remember if you say you're part-time or full-time, but either way, have you looked at moving away from MW jobs? I don't know your qualifications and/or ambitions, but you're certainly well written, and can put together a good argument, so I'm sure you can do something that will pay better. I've worked in CS face-to-face, and there are plenty of CS office jobs where you can transfer any skills from retail into an office environment. And I'm not just talking call centres, I work in a small family business and I certainly don't regret making the jump from shop jobs. What's keeping you at Primarni?
I would also look at boosting your income by way of surveys, selling things, etc. Even if it's just a way of getting a couple of quid extra a week to help pay off the loans.

I think I'll leave this here, I don't want to appear too mean!:eek:

I also wanted to say that you take some rather harsh words on here very well.....I take my hat off to you!:T You certainly have some balls on the internet, now take those balls and use them in RL :rotfl::T

gemmajenkins0208

Hahaha thank you Chica Bonita! For all of the advice and the kind words at the end!

Tiddlywinks, it is a course for his dyslexia. I believe it will be every weekday for a few weeks - a month or 6 weeks perhaps.

He does do things off his own back. He actually does do his own job search, he makes and attends meetings himself. He had a letter about his insurance the other day with a form to fill out. He did it all himself and took it down to the post box on his own, only asking me for spelling and what certain words say.

It's like people think he's an invalid :rotfl:

Tiddlywinks

gemmajenkins0208 wrote: »

Tiddlywinks, it is a course for his dyslexia. I believe it will be every weekday for a few weeks - a month or 6 weeks perhaps.

He does do things off his own back. He actually does do his own job search, he makes and attends meetings himself. He had a letter about his insurance the other day with a form to fill out. He did it all himself and took it down to the post box on his own, only asking me for spelling and what certain words say.

It's like people think he's an invalid :rotfl:

Really? Who's implied that?

I've been quite clear in pointing out my own opinion that a fit and healthy man should be able to get up and organise his own life. It's you that had said you needed to write him lists etc.

I can't believe the course would be full time for 4 - 6 weeks... what does it cover? What is it supposed to achieve?

He can still get on with laying the groundwork for other opportunities by applying for voluntary work as there's still a lot of time between now and him starting his course.

But I'm sure you'll have a reason why that is impossible :cool:.

milasavesmoney

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Really? Who's implied that?

I've been quite clear in pointing out my own opinion that a fit and healthy man should be able to get up and organise his own life. It's you that had said you needed to write him lists etc.

I can't believe the course would be full time for 4 - 6 weeks... what does it cover? What is it supposed to achieve?

He can still get on with laying the groundwork for other opportunities by applying for voluntary work as there's still a lot of time between now and him starting his course.

But I'm sure you'll have a reason why that is impossible :cool:.

It's a course to help him with his dyslexia. it is a very short course for this reading disfunction actually. But if his particular dyslexic problem can be pinpointed, then they can teach him the very necessary skills to use when reading.

gemmajenkins0208

Thank you for pointing that out milasavesmoney.

He did a course earlier in the year which was only 1 day a week for 6 weeks, and it was in a town quite far away with very little public transport, so when he crashed his car, he missed the last day

Tiddlywinks, I didn't say I had to write him lists as such, I just said I needed to remind him otherwise he gets caught up in his own stuff and forgets to do the things I asked of him, which really, in essence, are MY things that I should be doing(changing the bed etc.).

And sorry about the invalid thing, just something in your post clicked in my mind and it took me right back to the times my bf's mum told me about how he always got shot down, being told he's faking his dyslexia, he's perfectly capable of doing an office job with heap load of reading/writing, and on the other end of the spectrum - he'll never get a job etc.

Sorry, didn't mean to offend