A d or c/card which I can give my student son?

TheDevineComedy

Hello

I wonder if anyone can give me some guidance as my son is in his first year at university in the south-east of England and I seem to be paying for his lack of fiscal nouse and accountability.

In short, he's always lived with his mother, I have never lived with them, he is now University, and I get begging emails, polite and pleasant as they are, that is all they are. I do not see him, nor have done in years - regardless of 10yrs of Families Court judgements.

I have two concerns bothering me, perhaps unnecessarily, one is that at Christmas he went off to Amsterdam with some mates (marijuana?), and he has a part-time job in a betting shop.

He has ceased all his football training & competitive matches, judo and gym work too, which is a worry.

His mother was a pot-head at Uni she once confided in me, many years ago.

I have put my hand in my pocket probably a dozen times since September, possibly to the tune of £2500 thus far.

Giving this scenario, and the fact that his mother and I do not have any lines of communication, is there a prepaid card or debit card or credit card whereby I can receive a bank statement?

Is the one available for example without a PIN such that he cannot take out cash from a hole in the wall?

In effect I want to make sure that he is spending any money I might give him on suitable items, be that food, books, cinema tickets etc.

I would appreciate any advice anyone here might give me - aside from communicating with his mother (I would never receive a reply, trust me on this) as I appreciate he might well be playing both sides of the fence - and thank you in anticipation.

HappyMJ

How old is your son? If he's 18 or over that's very controlling and I would advise against that. Don't give him any money. Uni students have grants, loans, interest free overdrafts and they usually work at least part time. There's plenty of money out there without any parental assistance. If he wants money for drugs and you're giving him vouchers then he'll find a way of turning those vouchers into cash. You might think he's bought a nice joint of beef for £10 but he's then sold that for £8 to fund a drugs habit. If you suspect he's on drugs then cut off the supply of money. He'll hate you for doing so but that's less controlling than giving him a bank account with a contactless card that only you know the PIN for and then you reading his bank statements checking every expense. BTW contactless cards can be used in pubs and he can spend up to £30 on each round. If he gets his mates to give him the cash and he puts every round on his card he could easily turn let's say £60 of drinks into £45 of cash and he's even paid for his own rounds too.

meer53

I wouldn't do it either. My son funded his Uni lifestyle with a part time job. I couldn't afford to subsidise him any further and his absent Dad wouldn't either. Not that he ever asked. If he can't manage on his part time wage then you sending him extra funds will just subsidise the activities you're worried about. Don't do it.

I think your son has got a lot of cheek sending you begging emails, even if they are nicely worded. Tell him you'll treat him to something nice when you see him.

chattychappy

Agree. When I was at university, I got a sponsorship and worked during the holidays. I leant all the money to my parents who were getting divorced. I was a total penny-pincher and a right ole bore! But many of my student friends were also careful with money. I even carried instant coffee with me and got free hot water from a machine. I have since been a (so-called) "mature" student. . Many of my 20-something contemporaries found it fair game to squeeze their parents for cash, it's part of the student culture. Everyone believes students have a tough time financially, so it licenses them to beg parents for money. Every break turns into a £3 starbucks (plus a £3 snack), expensive nights out, and even a "non night out" can be a £15 meal in Nandos.

I've also met them travelling too. I used to work in Saigon and would often meet backpacker students who considered their entitlement to "find themselves" and finance it from debt or via bank of mum and dad.

That said, not ALL students are like that. And eventually, they ALL learn. How many threads here from those who have left university and are trying to clean up their credit after "going crazy" as a kid.

So I agree with the other posters, best to say "no". But even better if you can in some way rebuild a relationship with your son. I wonder how he can even ask you for money when he doesn't bother to see you. I suspect you have alot more to give than money - but at least if you did have a better relationship with him, you could have more confidence that any money you give him is not being misspent.

Funny... a few weeks ago, a friend asked me a similar question. I suggested sponsoring a child in Africa or somewhere. The money would go further and be more appreciated. Pretty mean answer really.. but presumably you work hard for your money not so it can be wasted on drugs etc.

eDicky

Concern about your son's welfare and lifestyle choices is understandable, but worrying unduly is not going to affect anything so is fairly pointless. There are a lot worse things he could be doing than smoking a bit of pot while studying at university...

Have a look at the Pockit prepaid card, funds can be shared with a supplementary card in a choice of two different ways and online account access, I forget exactly. The fees are low but you could ask him to try and avoid the 99p ATM withdrawal charge, extend some trust and you may well be rewarded. If not, there is no fee for account dormancy.

PeacefulWaters

If he needs stuff, and you wish to support him, send him a gift card for what he needs. Then you know the funds will be spent as expected.

But, while student loans don't give much leeway ge should be able to survive without additional support.

Amsterdam? He might have gone for the football. To see the canals. There's little point worrying about what you can't and shouldn't control.

Perhaps making an effort to meet him and get to know him would provide a stability in him that might put your mind at rest.

Andypandyboy

I have a son in his first year at university too, and they do a lot of partying. I am fine with that as long as he balances it with working, as that is the objective. So far, so good, his exam marks equate to a 1st overall.

I think that you should arrange to meet up with him (he is an adult and if he is capable of sending begging emails he should be able to have personal contact)

If you have given him £2500 since september and he expects to need further support it is completely reasonable that you discuss this with him.

We fund accomodation to the tune of £400 pcm so that is where your money may be going. Unless you ask you won't know. From there you can decide what help to give and how to give it.

My son went to Amsterdam with a faculty trip, I didn't ask what they did....you have to be able to let go at some point. Don't tar him with the same brush as his mother unless you have some evidence!

Dobbibill

Giving him money is not doing him any favours long term.

Get him an online grocery shop delivered to his student address occasionally and I mean occasionally, maybe once a month.

The amount you have paid out thus far equates to over £350 a month, this is not going to help him stand on his own two feet in the future.

My son is at Uni, so I know how hard it is to say 'no' when your children are aiming to better their future. Sometimes tough love is a better long term solution than throwing money at a problem short term.

CLAPTON

maybe you might try to arrange to meet and discuss his finances
without knowing how much his income is and the cost of his accommodation and what other essential spending he has its difficult to say what his 'needs' are.
simply giving him money is clearly not the answer
with my own I sat down with them and discussed their student loans and what I was willing to give (monthly) and drew up a budget after deducting accommodation etc cost so they clearly new how much they had to spend each month. Also discussed whether they wanted to travel during the summer etc and if so they needed to work and/or save to fund that.

it worked out OK : I was amased how interested they became in the price of food and the good deals you could get by shopping in a evening

bellaboo86

A trip to Amsterdam does not mean he is a regular drug user, just as a job in a betting shop does not mean he has a gambling problem. He might place a few bets as a result of working there but that is only like retail assistants buying clothes from the store they work in.
Maybe he feels that he has nothing to lose by asking you for money. Worst case scenario for him is that you say no. As you don't have a strong relationship he won't be bothered about damaging any relationship you have.

callum9999

Your post doesn't quite add up to me. It sounds like you resent them for not seeing you, which given he's at university (so you can't blame the mother), means he must be forbidding you from seeing him.

In which case, why did you hand over £2,500 at all - and why are you trying to get him a debit card in your name?

I'm sorry that this seems so judgemental, but that's the exact same attitude my father portrayed to others despite it being 100% his decision to not have contact, so it irritates me when I see others using it! Feel free to tell me to just mind my own business!

Some more constructive advice (though possibly not the kind you wanted either!) is that if he's not able to get by on his student loans and part-time income, he either needs to economise or earn more.