Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

Pyxis

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Can I watch Labyrinth?

I am still giggling a lot at Wasmas :rotfl:

The tree is decorated! Only our food order and wrapping WaSp's gifts to go!

Hmm. I'm not sure whether you can watch this one, WaS. On the one hand it's full of Muppets. On the other hand it is rather dark, with characters doing not very nice things.
It ends happily, or so you think!

I enjoyed it, but it was rather disturbing. David Bowie's Goblin King character has a cruel streak.

WaSp might have a better idea as to whether you can watch it.

Can you watch fantasy stuff? With puppets and Muppets, even if they're nasty? There are only three humans in it, David Bowie as the Goblin King, the girl and a baby.

whitewing

How are you with musicals and operas, WaS? If it is being sung, can you default to it not being real? Mind you, I guess it would be a bit of a firework display.

whitewing

I nearly forgot - Merry Solstice, WaS and all.

I always feel more cheerful when the shortest day is out of the way.

tea_lover

Definitely WW, the days getting even that tiny bit longer does help.

Whingy post alert.......feeling very sorry for myself today. Haven't even managed to get dressed yet as for every item of clothing I look at I'm remembering when I last wore it, what we were doing....how ridiculous is that.

Am also worried sick about what he might do. I know what a bad state he was in last year and I really think this might all tip him over the edge. To be very clear, I know full well he brought this on himself and I'm not going to be getting in touch with him.... but it's very hard to go from planning a future with someone to not being able to check if they're alive. We had so many plans for this time off, and it was going to be such a contrast to last Christmas.

The last I heard from him was a message early yesterday morning saying he was desperate and asking for help. I haven't responded at all, for which I feel terrible. He hasn't been online since. I do realise that I should stop looking but I know my limits and I'm not able to do that yet. When I stopped smoking I couldn't face the thought of it being forever, so I kept some cigarettes in the house and told myself it was just for now... that I'd leave it another 5 mins, half hour, few days or so and then see how I felt. Otherwise the panic set in and I had to smoke there and then. It's been nearly 10 years of not smoking now so I thought the same approach might work with this. I simply cannot bear the thought of not being with him and not speaking to him again (although I fully know I have to do that), so for now I have to focus on a few mins at a time and wait for the minutes to add up. Which means that I know I'm not able to delete his info (I know his number anyway so it wouldn't really help) and I'm not yet at the point where I can stop checking if he's online.

All of which is a massive rambling way to say that I'm so worried. Rationally I'm telling myself that he has people around who will be checking on him, and I'm sure I would hear from them if they thought I needed to. But this is so hard.

I was so excited about this Christmas together, and now it's 100 times worse than last year. At least then I was ready to move on, and just annoyed that he wouldn't. Am so angry at myself for getting sucked back in..... so now instead of it being the end of a pretty rubbish 10yr relationship, in my mind it's more like the end of an amazing 1yr one.

Ok, I will stop the enormous whinge now and attempt to do something useful with my first day off.

whitewing

tea, without meaning to hurt you even more, he is probably being looked after by one of his lady friends.

Maybe he needs to reach rock bottom to have even a vague chance of becoming a decent human. So you are doing him a favour by ignoring him.

Seriously, you have a chance at a much better life, with a future partner out there who gives a !!!! about you. Isn't it telling that you didn't tell us and you didn't tell other family that you were back together?

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have respect, you deserve to be able to trust your fella, you deserve so much...give yourself a fighting chance, please.

Izadora

(((( Tea ))))

Everything WW said.

Solarjunkie

Yay! Happy Solstice everybody! From here on each day gets longer and summer is on its way!

Tea, of course you are mourning, things were looking good and now, at this time of year of all times, there has been a dramatic change. I don't know if it could help, but years ago it was suggested to me to "own the situation out loud". So, something like standing holding your favourite jeans and saying out loud - "I know these are associated with a lovely pub lunch just a month ago, but these are MY jeans, I choose to wear them and to make new associations starting today". Apparently saying it out loud helps. As does the fact you'd be very chilly going out without them!
There's no easy way through, you seem to be doing all the right things, reminding yourself that he has others to look out for him you are not abandoning him. Hang in there girl, you're one of a select bunch having the support of the virtual fort over Wasmas. Hugs.

codemonkey

(((tea))). It's OK to be sad. Up until the weekend you thought you had a future with this man and then he betrayed you. Again. So it's more than ok to be sad and want to do anything you can to take the pain away, which in this case you think is to contact the person you miss.

DO NOT DO THIS !!!!!!

Ok. I'm going to be so blunt here, I'm going to make a sledgehammer feel like a pillow. I'm really sorry about this, please know it comes from a place of love and concern for you because I can see that you're going to fall back into the same trap.

A couple of posts ago, you said he hasn't learned anything. That's not true. Last year, when he was relentlessy [STRIKE]stalking[/STRIKE] pursuing you, the one thing that made you respond was making you worry about his mental health, you worried, that opened a dialogue and he wormed his way back in. And now, he's realised that making you worry about what he might do is the way to get to you, so he's doing it again. If he really was going to do anything, he'd go off and do it. This man is a manipulator. And guess what? You let him. You say he doesn't learn, well actually he does. But you don't. He's learned that there are no long lasting consequences to his behaviour because, hey, he'll just make a few noises about how sad he is and how he's going to do something bad, and you'll forgive him, then a few months later, he can go and cheat again knowing, that you might stop talking to him for a bit, but you'll forgive him in the end.

A good few years ago I met a guy who we'll call O and fell head over heels in love with him. I thought that what we had was so great, we had this bright shining future, we'd be the golden couple, the one that people envied. At the time I met him, I was at the height of my confidence, which admittedly wasn't much, but still. O was a master manipulator, he could have taught classes, and very sneakily, he started wearing down my confidence - it wasn't really noticeable , a remark here, a flirtation there, but it started wearing me down I believed in him and us and honestly, he was like a drug to me. I started ignoring the warning signs, which were pretty massive red flags, really in hindsight, they were 6ft flashing, red warning signs. I knew they were there, I just hoped if I didn't look at them, if I didn't see them, they weren't there, because if I saw them and if I added them up, then I'd have to end it and the thought of living without him was terrifying. The good times got few and far between, but I put up with it, because I was addicted, and he had subtly made me believe that I didn't deserve any better (I didn't see it until I had got out of it). Eventually, a friend pointed me in the direction of a 'flirtation' that had gone too far and I ended it. But he wouldn't give me space to heal, just kept coming back, with the apologies, he was sorry, he didn't know why he did these things, he couldn't live without me etc. so I ended up taking him back and we'd go round again, it would be good, then he'd push me into ending it, then he'd come sniffing back around (and he always knew the buttons to press) and so on. The last time, I decided that was it. I ignored his calls, I ignored the emails, the IMs, the rings on my buzzer, but I knew I needed space to heal. So I took myself off to Australia for a bit, swapped out my sim card for an Australian one to save money, didn't give the number to anyone who would pass it on to him and used a different email account to keep in contact with people back home and the space gave me a but of clarity that I needed. When I got back he tried again, but I was done. I've never seen anyone so deflated in my life when he realised he couldn't manipulate me anymore. Oh, he kept trying for months, but by then I'd seen him for what he was. He was a manipulator. He got off on the chase then it got boring, so he'd go chase someone else, then he'd get to chase me again and so on. And I had let him get me into the situation where I thought that was all I deserved, and had got addicted.

It's not the same situation but I see parallels between the way FOH behaves and the way O did, and I see some of the behaviors I displayed in you. Now, I'm not suggesting you take yourself off to the other side of the world for a month or two, unless you really want to, but I do think you need space and distance. I'd also recommend some counselling to learn some coping strategies until you can achieve that distance.

Please don't hate me for this.

Also I officially grant permission for a day of pjs, p cat cuddles and bad tv.

tea_lover

That all sounds so similar code. Thank you x

mellymoo74

Tea I agree with code, am so pleased you can see the similarities.

He will try all the manipulation that worked last time, his mum will call you need to behave in the way you think makes you a !!!!! (it doesn't it makes you strong and acting in a way to preserve your sanity)
Sleeping now, wiped.

I shall add you a pickle pic later xx