Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

mellymoo74

Pickle princess has got a scrape on her face
She came in covered in blood


She let me bathe her (she's a good girl)
Doesn't look like cat fight.

mellymoo74

The kitten are out again

codemonkey

Poor kitties.

mellymoo74

Yep code very poor kittens
Already jumping at the window and yowling at the door.

whitewing

Miss you WaS.

Good morning. I am enjoying being up while the rest of the house is still asleep, as it's half term.

Going to be busy later.

Been watching my SAS programme on a Monday night. That is my ideal exercise (watching someone else do it).

Right - off to consult my various lists.

codemonkey

I am heading for a crisis.

Definitely a Penguin and a Possible crotch biting one as it involves suicidal thoughts.

I don't know if it's because I'm in a lot of pain that's wearing me down, or if it's me reacting terribly to change, or an extension of this existential crisis I seem to have been having since the start of this year, or all the above, but I am crashing. I have been binging again and struggling not to purge and I am trying really hard to think of a reason not to just take all my painkillers and just end it. There's something very seductive about just not being and at least everybody wouldn't have to put up with me annoying them anymore.

Don't worry, I (probably) won't do anything silly and I will rally, just struggling to see the wood for the trees right now. Any suggestions aside from therapy and GP (even trying to get a GP appointment atm is beyond my coping skills) are welcome.

End Penguin.

Izadora

(((( Code ))))
Penguin I'm so sorry, I have no suggestions which don't involve either your GP or trying to find a decent therapist but please remember that we're all here whenever you need us. You've got a lot going on and pain is hideous for bringing you down so if you feel the need to rant at someone then I'm happy for you to PM me or I'll give you my number if you just need to shout at someone - I promise I won't take it personally and you can vent as much as you need to. Have you told Mr CP how bad things are?
As seductive a thought as it is, there are people who would miss you terribly and I know it's not fair to use loved ones almost as a guilt trip but whenever I feel really low I try to remind myself that it's a very permanent solution to what is hopefully going to be a temporary problem.
I hope things start to ease up for you and if there's anything we can do then shout. End penguin

elsien

Penguin reply..

I'm sorry if this isn't helpful, I've not been where you are so I'm not wanting to say the wrong thing and make things worse.

First off, I only know you on here. But you are not an annoying person that people have to put up with, you are a kind and thoughtful person who has given others a lot of support when they've needed it. That's your self esteem talking, and it's wrong.

If you need someone just to offload to, have you considered giving the Samaritan's a call. I've used them before now, not for any practical help but just to get it all out of my system. And they don't know who you are so you can be open about anything and everything without it having to rebound on you.
Or groups like Beat which may be able to offer some temporary helpline support? What strategies have you used before to help with the eating that have worked for you?

On a more practical level, I know you said that arranging a GP appointment is beyond you at the moment. So is there someone who could take charge, sort it for you and get you down there - Mr CP, friend, relative?
You've had a lot of things going on in a comparatively short space of time and they've collided to give a knock on effect. Don't beat yourself up about it, it's not your fault, but if you can get the pain under control for example, as a starting point, then everything else should feel less overwhelming.
Just try to be kind to yourself - you know what you'd say if you were replying to someone else, this is no different.

End penguin.
I'm sorry, I have to go out now, I'm not reading and running but will check back later when I can.

whitewing

Pain and weariness is all plenty enough to make me feel how you feel, code. Sometimes you just have to get through a half hour by a half hour. Don't attempt to make work-related decisions.

Is there a walk in GP centre near you? I go to the one near work if I can't be doing with trying to juggle an appointment with work. To be honest, just knowing that I have the option to do that helps.

Anyway, your doggie would miss you, as would I.

codemonkey

Thank you guys.

Penguin
I couldn't do it because Mr CP would be destroyed and DA dog wouldn't understand where I'd gone. There's no walk in centre as we're supposed to be able to make same day appointments and I just don't have the strength to have that conversation with a doctor without becoming a blubbering mess. I've tried to talk to Mr CP but as far as he's concerned I have no reason to be sad, therefore I can't be and if I mention the suicidal thoughts, he just gets upset and shuts down.

Things will get better if I just keep going and I think I need to do whatever it takes to get past this, so I'll try not to best myself up about the binges and focus on the positive thing that I haven't purged. Just feeling so blue. I just want to sleep all the time.