Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

Izadora

WaS, I'm glad your migraine's gone in time for you to enjoy your trip and I hope you get to have your picnic.

While Millefleur isn't going to like it in the short-term, she's not happy with things as they are so hopefully she'll realise quite quickly that it's the best thing for her and come to enjoy the companionship of having other people around.

tea_lover

Really glad you're feeling better WaS. Happy travels

whitewing

If millefleur goes into supported housing, WaS, does that mean you would be able to visit? That would be a massive plus for her. And for you. And maybe her granddaughter if that could be arranged.

Have a lovely time with teacher friend and picnicking.

faerielight

hi guys, I wrote a long ranty post earlier then deleteed it, the ranty version is back. that my bestie was really rude to a new carer on saturday,telling her that she knew she had a
Aspergers. She had just had a row wqith her boyfriend who has Aspergers and she laid into my carer and was like a dog with a bone.And it must've hit a nerve as she said that her daughter has aspergers, but my friend insisted she had it too.. I told her it would be like if someone she didnt know said that it was clear that she was mentally ill, but she refuses to see that it is the same.

Now the care manager hit the roof on the phone yesterday and has now reported me to social services and she wants them to pull my care package. And my friend is blaming me, the carer the care agency , she refuses to see she did anything wrong, and with my stupid dynamics , feel like it's all my fault, and like an idiot, I begged her for her forgiveness n sun night on the phone when she wouldn't stop yelling at me. yelling that she hated me andf my carers/care agency.
she' won't back down and look at her behaviour, and if i ever have the audacity to call her out she holds the grudge and punishes me for weeks/months.and somehowe always to make me the perpetarator and her the victim, I don't know how she does it but she does.

last night on the phone, she refused to believe that I was reported because of her behaviour and believes that I'm being reported for something I've done wrong, when in the 8 years I've had care, I've never been rude to a carer. Now I'm wigging out, been up all night terrified of losing my care and now have lost all rapport with the manager. my friend can take it out on me, but I draw the line at her taking it out on one of my carers, especially as it was the first time I met her and she seemed really nice. She does this thing where she tries to intimidate people that she doesn't know, it's horrible, and I'm her only friend, I'm long past trying to mingle her with my other friends, I learnt that 10 years ago, but I didn't think she would do that, and it's the only time I've ever had anyone else here by myself with a carer present. My care manager is furious with me that I didn't say anything to stand up to her, I froze , was poking her in the leg to get her to stop and kept trying to steer the conversation away but she wouldn't let up. I'm mad at myself that I freeze with any confrontation and although i love her to bits, and she can be really loving, but when she is like that, I'm scared of her as it taps into my dynamics . I'm in such a pickle

whitewing

faerie,

Ask if you can apologise in person to the carer over a cup of tea, stating that while you personally did not rant at her, she was a guest in your home and you take some responsibility for how unwelcome and distressed she must have felt. If you can, buy her some flowers or make her a card. The purpose of the meeting is so that you can get some closure from the situation and not ruminate over it, and that the carer does not get put off of caring altogether, especially if the situation was very frightening for her. The manager too has a difficult job, supporting staff but ensuring cared-for's needs are met. You need to acknowledge that.

You probably couldn't have predicted the situation kicking off, so don't take blame for your friend's bad behaviour but do work on ways of recognising the build up so you can attempt to defuse it.

You must ensure that your friend is not present and that she is not present during times that any carer is around (for the next few weeks at least).

If you try and remain calm over the situation, it will be more effective than trying to get your friend to understand where you are coming from. It is difficult to take new lessons on board when one feels under threat.

Deal with the care people first and wait and see if Social Services get in touch. Then come on here again to marshall your thoughts. Even with an apology the situation may not go away. At the moment, just try to stop it getting worse. And then get some rest. The apology needs doing today; nothing else does.

faerielight

thanks WW, I did think to buy the carewr flowers and I think I will email the manager, I profusely apologise to the manager yesterday on the phone but she was so mad I think i will email her.and I have assured her my friend will never be present again. I'm ruminating badly about it all but I've got to get myself together as I'm having a large cyst on my eyelid removed today. I feel so awful on behalf of my friend, I didn't think she would behave like that to a carer, and it was the 1st time she or any of my friends had been present, but as you say, it was an oversight

tea_lover

(((faerie))) Completely agree with ww's great response. Hope you manage to get things sorted, especially the apology to the carer. Your friend really was incredibly rude and out of order - I realise that isn't your fault but I can see why the carer (and manager) would react the way they have.

faerielight

Me too Tea, I Would have reported it too and I told the manager that but my friend can't see that the carer was totally in the right to report it, I never been in trouble or reported for anything before, it feels really serious and unknown and scary.
I've had carers that I haven't clicked with over the years, but never had a complaint before. I always try and make them comfortable, and I have a good rapport with my regular ones,we laugh and share animal stories,but I just froze on sat and I'm devastated this has happened. The only thing that has happened with a carer was a male one recently, who had been lying to me for months, cutting the time of my call down. .telling me it was the manager who was authorising the call length, and I reported him, and the manager gave him a warning , and apologised to me on his behalf. but it's never been the other way round.

whitewing

I always think of reporting as looking after people (probably because if one of a number someones had bothered to report when I was younger I may not have ended up with a personality disorder).

Reporting is a way of flagging up a concern. And the concern will be considered so that everybody is looked after and safe. You are showing that you are doing your bit. You are not expected to be super-human. You are allowed to make mistakes and you are allowed to put them as right as you can. But you also need to understand that what you are prepared to do to put something right may not be the same as someone else wants eg you may want to see the carer; she may not be ready to see you. Whatever you do will make things better in the long term. An apology does mean a lot to people, even if they don't acknowledge that at the time. (Guess who has had to learn that from experience!).

whitewing

You don't have to make your friend 'see' anything right now. Just think to yourself that you will agree to disagree on it, and keep her out of the way until you can either trust her or read/respond to her better.