Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

codemonkey

I am struggling today. Possible crotch biting penguin.
(Existential crisis type stuff briefly referencing suicide)
My overwhelming feeling today is that I don't want to be alive anymore. Don't worry, I'm not actually suicidal and I'm not going to harm myself. I just feel like I don't want to be here and the world is an awful place and I don't particularly want to live in it anymore. If I could just curl up somewhere and quietly cease to exist, I would. I'm not even sure why I'm thinking and feeling this way but I am and it sucks. end CBP

In other non whiney stuff, Mr CP is out of the house tonight and I'm treating myself to a takeaway. Just can't decide between pizza or deliciousness from the local American diner place.

Lambyr

Code, so sorry to hear that.

PENGUIN
I kinda feel like that myself some days. Won't go into why because I don't want to aggravate anything. But I did want you to know, if it helps at all in any small way, that you're not alone in feeling like that sometimes. I find when I feel like that music can help. Not music with lyrics, but something like Heart of Courage, Protectors of the Earth, Tree of Life... the stuff put out by movie music companies. I dunno if what I say will be any help, but I just imagine the real world away and use the music to create my own world. Sometimes it helps.

Sorry if that's not helpful for you.
END PENGUIN

Pizza is always good but what type of deliciousness do they have at this American diner?

codemonkey

Thanks lambyr. I think I'm just overtired and fed up with work and doing this self-sabotaging thing I do where I'm down but the things that would usually lift my spirits or soothe me become annoying to me. If I start skipping more than 20% of my music, I'm in for a bumpy ride.

The diner has gourmet hot dogs and delicious burgers and other tasty meals and also puddings. But it is more expensive and takes ages and there are no leftovers for breakfast tomorrow. You can see my dilemma. :rotfl:

Izadora

Lambyr wrote: »

But I dunno what it is, just I want to feel like I actually "bring" something to our relationship, and I guess make her feel proud of me the way I'm proud of her cos she's accomplished so much.

Don't sell yourself short, being a carer is an incredibly hard thing to do and I'm sure she's proud of you for being able to do it. You've also accomplished a lot!!

((((( Code ))))) Penguin reply It's most definitely a sucky feeling and I can sympathise. I'm not suicidal and I wouldn't ever kill myself but I go through phases of wishing that someone could invent a pill which would make me cease to exist without hurting any friends or family left behind. It's never caused by anything in particular, just a general feeling that I can't be bothered to be me anymore and I've never found any way to deal with it other than keep reminding myself that it'll pass. End penguin.

Hmmm, it'd be an easy choice for me (most American diner goodness is meat) but if you can't decide then toss a coin. Or, if the diner deliver milkshakes then go for that.

Lambyr

codemonkey wrote: »

Thanks lambyr. I think I'm just overtired and fed up with work and doing this self-sabotaging thing I do where I'm down but the things that would usually lift my spirits or soothe me become annoying to me. If I start skipping more than 20% of my music, I'm in for a bumpy ride.

The diner has gourmet hot dogs and delicious burgers and other tasty meals and also puddings. But it is more expensive and takes ages and there are no leftovers for breakfast tomorrow. You can see my dilemma. :rotfl:

Being the massive fusspot I am, I have created playlists for virtually every mood. Probably spent more time creating them than actually listening to them!

Yes, I can see the dilemma! Personally, I'd probably go for whichever I hadn't had most recently. We don't have a particularly wide supply of decent takeaways around here but I do generally bounce between the ones we do have, though I've been cutting down on the takeaways lately so that rule may go out the window when I next decide to treat myself.

codemonkey

Lambyr, I'm sure your girlfriend is very proud of the way you take care of your mum. Loyalty and caring are very attractive traits in a partner. Well done on getting shortlisted! That's amazing!

I also have playlists for different moods but I hate them all now. I also have streaming but part of me wants quiet and the other part does not. Much like my love for pizza and food that is not pizza. Maybe if I split off into two people my crisis would be solved.

Izzy- that's exactly it. It will pass in time but I may need to hibernate with DA dog.

Lambyr

codemonkey wrote: »

Lambyr, I'm sure your girlfriend is very proud of the way you take care of your mum. Loyalty and caring are very attractive traits in a partner. Well done on getting shortlisted! That's amazing!

I also have playlists for different moods but I hate them all now. I also have streaming but part of me wants quiet and the other part does not. Much like my love for pizza and food that is not pizza. Maybe if I split off into two people my crisis would be solved.

Izzy- that's exactly it. It will pass in time but I may need to hibernate with DA dog.

I did read once about a pizza burger... I don't know whether this is a thing available anywhere near you though... or whether such a thing should even be a thing, because it sounds rather OTT!

Pyxis

Lambyr wrote: »

I know that you're right. It's hard to explain it to people sometimes but my "job" is basically a 24/7 thing. There's some degree of predictibility to it, insofar as I can sorta figure out the usual times mum will want something, or need something, but at least once a week she needs some help at night. It's quite draining at times cos I have to function on less than ideal sleep. I'm sorta conditioned to pretty much any slight noise waking me up now.

But I dunno what it is, just I want to feel like I actually "bring" something to our relationship, and I guess make her feel proud of me the way I'm proud of her cos she's accomplished so much.

The one thing I have gained from this script shortlist thing is that it's given me some confidence that maybe I'm not a half bad writer/storyteller so it could be something to explore? One of the reasons I took the OU course that I chose was because some of the modules involved creative writing and I've always been drawn to that sorta thing. I used to do really well at it in high school, so I thought if I took the course then maybe it'd get me started. I'm doing really well at it this year, and for the module have a good chance of getting a distinction so again, it's built some confidence.

I thinking I may try the BBC Writersroom drama script submission at the end of the year, or have a go at the Amazon Studios script submission process. I've been working on a fantasy novel for a while but I've not progressed at that as quickly as I would have liked, primarily because I have a bit of a fear that no one will like it and that makes it easier to not do it. Also, you can probably tell, I have a bit of a casual writing style so have to spend a lot of time working on proper grammar. That does slow me down a bit!

Firstly, would your girlfriend love you as much if you were the sort of person to let your mum moulder away in a home/nursing home? It's probably part of what makes you such a lovely person in her eyes!
That's what you bring to the relationship!
It doesn't have to be a high-powered job, or a large salary, or material trappings. A kind and loving heart is worth so much more!



Secondly, have you thought about about writing a blog about the joys and pitfalls of being the carer?
Maybe along the lines of Elsien's Gitdog tales?
Could you find humour in it as well as pathos and convey those to the reader?
It might even turn into a book later.
Just a thought.
They do say the best writers draw on their own experiences.

Pyxis

codemonkey wrote: »

.

The diner has gourmet hot dogs and delicious burgers and other tasty meals and also puddings. But it is more expensive and takes ages and there are no leftovers for breakfast tomorrow. You can see my dilemma. :rotfl:

Which would you find the tastier?
It sounds to me like the pizza would be satisfying a hunger pang, but that the diner would be food you could savour.
Having just had a lovely sea bass dish with asparagus in a lime sauce (I know I know, but I wanted a really tasty treat!), believe me, delayed-tasty wins over satisfying-the-pang-immediately every time!

elsien

Alle---bl00dy- lulliah it's the weekend.
Bit of a week - work load overload, another new manager with their own way of doing things, and an expensive car service that confirmed I have indeed been driving on three tyres that were probably the wrong side of legal. And some idiot has partially removed the driver's wing mirror.

I know it's a bad habit to get into and all that, but show me the bottle.

Speaking of blogs (which is a great idea for anyone with the energy and inclination who wants to practice their writing -look at where it got Jack Monroe) does anyone else read Mark Neary's blog about his take on professionals and his son with autism. It's an alternative perspective that gets lost more often than it should.

https://markneary1dotcom1.wordpress.com/