Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

elsien

If it was something that needed saying, let them get on with it.

Georgiegirl256

Eating/food/weight penguin (do not read if you're feeling sensitive or easily upset cause I am brutally honest about how I'm feeling)

D's lack of willpower, lack of get up and go to try and improve things is really starting to annoy me and get me down. He knows he needs to lose weight, he wants to lose weight, he knows really the point has come where if he doesn't start to do something then he probably never will. He's all talk, and I'm getting sick of it.

He's starting to suffer more health complaints which I'm pretty sure are caused, or if not caused, at least not helped by his weight, but refuses to do anything about it. He sees these health programmes or complains of a pain etc and says "I know, I need to lose weight, I'm really going to try", and it's got to the point now where in my head I say to myself "bullsh*t", as I don't believe a word of it anymore. I've heard it so many times over the years. When I start to see actions then I'll believe it.

There's always some excuse. I'll wait until next week because of.... Or because of this.... then next week comes, and it's like "oh, but now it's our holidays, now it's my birthday, now it's Christmas, now it's Easter and the latest one today "its a bank holiday"....my answer, "what has that got to do with anything?"

If you want to eat crap then that's up to you, (I haven't been an angel myself lately), but don't make excuses and try and justify it, when you were sitting there only an hour before complaining of pain and with really bad trapped wind....I'm sorry, but it's really starting to upset me to the point where I just want to sit here and cry because I'm watching him actually causing harm to himself and getting larger and larger.

I've tried my best to be supportive and keep my thoughts to myself. I just don't know what I'm meant to do anymore. I really am getting to the point where I don't fancy him anymore (well, actually I'm already there tbh) and am thinking if you've got no self respect and just want to eat yourself into an early grave, then fire away.

Sorry if all that seems harsh, but I'm at the end of my tether with it all now. When he comes back from the supermarket soon, I think I'll probably cry when he fills he counter top with yet more junk food and uses the excuse "well it's a bank holiday" to try and justify it.

Penguin end

elsien

I don't have any helpful suggestions Georgie, but I think in your situation I'd probably feel exactly the same. I am actually wondering if a bit more brutal honesty would have any effect?
Penguin
Not all of it, not the not fancying bit which isn't going to help an already low self esteem, but how it's making you feel seeing the damage he's doing to himself, and telling him you don't want to hear him complain if he's not prepared to do anything about it in practice.
Penguin end
However that's from the perspective of someone with little knowledge of the issues so may not be a great suggestion. Has he been to his GP to get help?

surveyqueenuk

Penguin for Georgie

PENGUIN

Really brave of you to admit that Georgie. To me, it sounds as though it is his attitude that's putting you off, not the excess weight itself.

Maybe you should let yourself react when he comes back with the junk...it's clear you are so worried about his health, plus if you bottle this up then it may reappear in an unpleasant outburst later on.

How to be sensitive though? Even the most well-intentioned words can come across as fat-shaming. Have you ever gone on a health kick together? Perhaps you could suggest this - with the Euros and the Olympics coming up, athletic bodies will be all over the media (woohoo!) which could be encouraging. He might be receptive to "let's shape up for summer". Alternatively, can you think of anything you need to save for? Something which would involve cutting back on junk food.

END PENGUIN

tea_lover

Yep Georgie, I can totally see where you're coming from but can't really think of anything useful to say/suggest.

Izadora

Reply to Georgie It's not harsh and I can totally understand how much it must frustrate you, I can also sympathise with D's habits though.

I think so many people have got such messed up relationships with food that even though they know that they need to lose weight, they know that they're making themselves ill and they know that they're letting other people down, the pull of junk food will always be stronger.

I've done it myself so many times, been really upset about how big I've got, vowed that I'm going to do something about it and this will be the time I'll sort it out and then I start with the excuses - "I'll just wait until I've got mum's birthday out of the way because I want to be able to enjoy going out for a meal", "Oh, I've got that do on Wednesday. I'll be drinking so there's no point starting this week." and endless others that you've probably heard from D a thousand times. Then, because I've not managed to start a diet I hate myself a little bit more for my lack of willpower and think "Well, what's the point? I'm already fat and disgusting so another bag of crisps/bar of chocolate/tub of ice cream won't make any difference. So I put on more weight, hate myself a bit more, vow to make a change and the whole cycle starts again.

Watching my OH try to give up smoking, and fail repeatedly, means that I do know how irritating it is from your side too. There are soooooo many reasons why he should give up, a very large one being that we're meant to be trying for a baby (not that there's actually been any 'trying' recently but that's a whole separate rant...) and it massively affects the likelihood of that happening, but he caves at the first sign of a craving and then trots out the excuses, "Oh but it's too hard not to smoke on holiday so there's no point giving up until after that" etc., and I end up resenting him a little bit more every time - even though, as an ex-smoker who took numerous attempts to give up, I know very well just how hard it is.

Anyway, that was basically a very long-winded way of saying I do sympathise but, unfortunately, there's not really anything you can do.

Georgiegirl256

Thank you all! :grouphug: I feel better for getting it off my chest, and also for hearing everyone's point of views on the subject.

Penguin

Elsien, I'm wondering that too about being more brutally honest with him, and I can feel it building up towards that. I've tried (maybe too subtly in the past) and have been accused of nagging, but it's getting to that point where I think that may be the only way. It's very very difficult.

Surveyqueen, there's nothing we need to save up towards at the moment, and losing weight for holidays etc doesn't really apply to him (we don't go on beach holidays) as he just sees it as an excuse to eat more. Which, I can kind of understand in a way. You're right though, it is more his attitude than annoying else.

Izzy, yeah I totally get that mentality of 'what's the point?' I get like that from time to time, so I'm guilty of it too. It's just when it's again and again and again that it gets tiring.

Tea, it's just nice to know people understand where I'm coming from and understand.

Right, he's just come back, and THIS is the attitude that p*sses me off :mad: He said he wasn't buying anymore jelly beans as they were giving him heart burn, and I had the same with the jelly babies, so I told him I didn't want any and he said the same....comes back with a pack. What's the point in eating them if they make you feel ill? 2 bars of those Cadburys chocolate with bits in, said the other day he didn't like them, came back with them because "they were new and on offer".

Apart from the above, a multipack bag of crisps, all butter scones, hot cross buns, desserts, 2 packs of magnums and I'm sure there was something else as well?

Penguin end.

jobbingmusician

Georgiegirl, I don't feel I need to penguin this.

Buy him a copy of this and both see if you can do it! Yes, I know, JM batting on about the 5:2 diet AGAIN.... But the thing is, if he reads the book it will explain to him how intermittant fasting has loads of other health benefits, apart from losing weight.

(I must confess I am really naughty - I eat all sorts of unsuitable things on my non-fast days, and rely on the fast days to sort them out. I am still (very slowly now) losing weight though!)

Ooops, edited to add... I meant to say... the 5:2 was the first time in my life I have ever felt in control of food, rather than the other way around.

And edited again to include the link (this diet doesn't seem to have done anything for my memory :rotfl:)

Georgiegirl256

Thanks for the link JM. I'm pretty sure we already have that book or at least one very similar because when the 5:2 diet first came about, he went on it, and he did well, he lost almost a stone....but then an excuse came along....most have been something called Easter or Christmas? Or maybe just because there was a Y in the day or something. (Sorry for the sarcasm!)

I've decided, I'm going to try and lead by example even more so than I have been. I'm cutting out a lot of stuff, because I too want to lose at least a stone. I was thinking of trying the 5:2, as I've heard so many good things about it.

codemonkey

Awww Georgie. This is such a difficult one.

Penguin reply.

From experience, the trouble with weight loss is that you can say you need to lose weight, you can believe you need to lose weight and you can go on about how this week you're going to do it for sure, but unless something clicks (and I know this sounds weird), it doesn't work and you get derailed easily. The times I've had significant weight loss and stuck to an exercise plan have been when something just makes me determined to do it. I haven't worked out what that something is, but something makes it stick. Last time, it was the fear of being too big for a plane seat or needing a lap belt that did it, pretty trivial really but out of my negative thoughts about the way I looked, and being crushed that Mr CP didn't find me as attractive as when I was slimmer, that was the one that stuck, especially as I wasn't nearly big enough for that. Pretty weird.

I remember you posting about this a while ago, so I'm sad that D hasn't reached that point yet.

I think I'd talk to him - not about how you don't find him attractive, because I think that would crush him and send him on a trip to the bottom of the biscuit tin and possibly discussions about the future of your relationship - but about how worried you are for his health and that you want to grow into old age with him (whether that's true or not at the moment). If that doesn't work, then maybe you need to be more harsh with him for his own good.

With the shopping, it sounds like he's turned buying junk food into a habit that he doesn't think about at all, comes home with loads of junk and then mindlessly munches it all. Perhaps making a shopping list with a small amount of bad stuff on it (slowly reducing) and telling him he's not allowed to buy anything not on the list because you want to budget due to the redundancy/saving for a great trip or something?

Is he competitive at all? Perhaps you could turn it into a challenge? Maybe with your bounts app, to see who can get the most points and vouchers? And if he does enough exercise, maybe if he sees the scales move downwards he'll want to continue?

I wonder if something like the carb addicts diet might help here. It's a diet where you low carb for breakfast and lunch then for dinner you get an hour to eat whatever you want - that might be attractive to him as he can eat some junk everyday and still lose weight.

Aside from that, I don't know what to suggest, because he's not going to stick to a healthier lifestyle if he doesn't really want to do it.

Not sure why I'm giving advice here. I just killed a family sized bar of dairy milk with crunchie because I'm a pig. I'm having the Bank Holiday off then back to the diet properly on Tuesday because I've been very half bottomed about it recently. And I fully expect each one of you to chant "You fat pie" at me if I don't.


End penguin.