Unmotivated son!

onlyroz

Can you make your bribes (cough - rewards) more immediate? E.g. "Finish that piece of coursework and we'll go out to a restaurant of your choice tonight" or "Get an A grade in your next piece of homework and I'll take you to the cinema".

pigpen

FBaby wrote: »

Totally agree with this. He needs to want to do well because he needs to realise that it is an end to a mean. However, if he doesn't know where he wants to be, the motivation won't be there.

I think you need to step away from pushing him to study and focus on helping him getting an idea of what interests him. My son doesn't really know what he wants to do yet so I try to expose him to whatever I can around us, let it be sport, meeting people in different careers, talking about things on the news, discussing the choices older kids we know have made etc... I don't want him to feel pressured, just to get motivated about something he wants to achieve.

We have others problems going on with DS3 but we have spoken to local busnesses etc about a few days shadowing a member of staff.. a few have said he can.. just to give him an idea of day-to-day stuff each job entails. Helping out in animal rescue centres, volunteering at charity shops.. its all valuable stuff and if that rules out certain things then its a step in the right direction. Mine is looking at studying childcare in September.. but he is 17 on Friday so its taken a while, 3 psychologists, a counsellor and 3 college interviews to get this far!

heuchera

Leave him be. It's like pigpen says, if a child wants to do the work they will. They've got to do it off their own bat sooner or later, and you'd be surprised the number of kids who go off the rails at uni because up till then they've always had their parent(s) micro-managing them and then suddenly they get all this freedom and they can't handle it.

Is he an academic sort of kid, or would he be better looking at doing an apprenticeship, like mechanic or something along those lines?

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Do you think he's upset by the divorce - does the timing fit in with the downhill slide?

Did the OP mention a divorce?

[Deleted User]

One thing that really helped me when I was doing my GCSEs was a book on how to study.. sounds silly, but it was full of rational self help for a teenager. Getting better sleep, not staying up too late, revision plans - not to mention how to structure my notes to fit my way of learning.

Something like this - http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Achieve-100%25-GCSE-Technique/dp/1445202778

You need to push some career guidance on him. If he's got no aims and goals then why would he bother motivating himself?

DigForVictory

Well done spotting this now!

Most schools have career advice - make an appointment for the two of you?

Studying without tech - compromise on an mp3 player (or tape deck!) for a couple of weeks, if work improves, phase up the tech permitted & if grades drop, phase it back. (Be ready to delete the Facebook app! And snapchat, & even the whole mobile if he's messing with messaging)

Definitely bribe with extra treats & communication (but please try to never deprive him of hugs, no matter how cross you may be?!) in exchange for results. *Results* mind, not effort (which is largely perception.)

I'm sure school is almost as concerned as you but hasn't your home resources - talk to them! They can suggest people to phone & visit to reinforce that alas *now* is when the grunt pays off. (And yet more, different again & still harder at A level, but let's not frighten the lad too badly.)

Find a sixth former resitting maths GCSE & arrange a brief (& likely motivational) chat on the benefits of Getting a Maths Pass first time?

School *may* be able to drop him through a grid of psychometric tests that will help inform *how* to study now & what to study & why later. A good library book on study techniques may help. Or a good librarian.

You might want to ask if the school is signed up to anything like Futurewise - a professional outfit specialising in steering young folk forwards based on tests & aptitudes. If school doesn't, you *may* want to consider paying an external pro for the same sort of advice. As I understand it, Futurewise offer tests & advice over a 7 year period so you'd get GCSE & A level & possibly University advice for the one product, but what the cost would be I don't know. On the other hand, anxiety is costing you sleep - paying for solid information and, up to a point, reassurance for you & son cannot be a bad investment?

Finally, have the Samaritans number handy. I hate to say it but your son is smack in the statistically high risk time frame. They do also listen to stressed parents.

All the very best to you both - it's a rough time & I'm always amazed & relieved at how many survive the process.

Savvy_Sue

the ONLY thing which got through to DS3 was the school telling him that if he didn't get at least a C grade in English, they would let him into the 6th form, but they would make him resit it. And if he still failed to get at least a C grade, they WOULD ask him to leave.

He wouldn't have been allowed into 6th form without at least B grades in any subjects he wanted to study.

Has the school spelled this out to your son? He won't believe a word you say: what do you know, you're a parent! And mine believed that special rules would always apply to him, and that he'd be able to charm his way into whatever he wanted to do.

Right up to the moment that member of staff laid it on the line to him!

Up until that point I had often pointed out how restricted your choices might be without those magic 5 GCSEs including Maths and English at Grade C or above. Re-arranging the underwear in Primark, anyone? Selling tinsel in a Christmas shop with ghastly carols blaring out? None of that made any difference at all.

But I do agree that re-negotiating where he studies could be worthwhile. DS1 and DS2 used their bedrooms: DS2 in particular seemed to favour sitting cross-legged like a garden gnome! DS3 used the kitchen table. That suited me as I could see what he was up to, even if I didn't share his taste in music!

balletshoes

My daughter is also year 10 and up to the end of 2015 she was similar to your son OP, and anything I said to try motivate her went in one ear and out the other.
It all changed on parents evening, we got the usual stuff of lovely girl, doing well, test results okay for where we are - and then the last teacher we saw that evening sat DD down and said "lovely girl, pleasure to have in the class - but that's not going to get you the B grade you need to do what you want to do at uni."
That was the switch, she was really upset, we talked about the support available to her and how she could use them best, and she,s now working hard at homework etc. If anything she,s kind of gone the other way and she,s starting to stress out about the amount of hard work she has ahead of her, but I,m hoping that's a reaction to the current year 11 stresses around school at the moment.

Jagraf

My DD eventually did really well in her gcses. This is what she said helped :

Asking her each night what homework she had done
Working through a timetable with her
Ensuring quiet and calm
Not allowing her her phone
Feeding her often and buying chocolate
Taking a keen interest

What wouldnt have worked was leaving her to her own devices to motivate herself. Had I done this, she wouldn't have got her grades, though it would have been a good lesson learned. It's up to you which you want your child to achieve. It is not inbuilt that a 15 year old will be motivated - after all, what do us adults work for? Money? Rewards?

indsty

One of my sons sounds a bit like yours (he is 36 now though!). Although reasonably bright he had absolutely no interest in academic work despite encouragement. He left school with 5 medium GCEs and started college but did not complete. He has however, always been in work, never been on benefits of any kind, is happy and content with his life and a lovely person (even though I am biased). Sometimes we just need to let our children make their own way in the world.

meer53

Another thing that really focussed my daughter was going to a careers/further education evening held at a local football ground at the beginning of year 11. All the local colleges/Uni's were there along with local employers who offer apprenticeships. I was shocked to find that some apprenticeships pay as much as £190 per week :eek:

I really thought my daughter would be swayed by this but i was pleased when she said she wanted to go to college and then Uni as she wants to teach. If she had wanted to take an apprenticeship i would have supported her, like all parents i just want her to do what makes her happy, but after that night, she really started to understand what she needed to do. I think it all became real for her. We've also been to open days at a few colleges, there is no 6th form at her school, i would recommend this for the OP, but you can't decide for them, they have to want to go, it's no good "taking him" he'll just feel as though he's being dragged along to please his parents.

She also had some good advice from her careers advisor at school, maybe the OP's son will change when year 11 starts and people start talking about "jobs and work, and the future" !!