Birth Mother Has Died

jumpingjackd

Jackieboy wrote: »

They're his birth mother's family, not his.

I also think it's a bit of an insult to his actual family to talk about his "natural family" as if his adoptive family are in some way unnatural, and I'm surprised that there's been no mention of their views on the subject.

Ive maybe used the term natural family loosely so apologise, I did mean his birth parents. Reading between the lines his adoptive parents have done an admirable job of bringing up a very well balanced person who can appreciate others feelings over his own, and yes their feelings should be appreciated too and are very important, they have after all been his parents for the most important part of his life and I certainly meant no disrespect to them.

I would also imagine that it would be natural to wonder where you came from, no matter how great an upbringing and what if there was hereditary issues involved.

My fathers family was pretty much estranged and as I get older and been contacted by cousins who have been researching ancestors I am curious and yes would like to meet them especially as the family I know diminishes

Jackieboy

Nicki wrote: »

Is your brother your parent's family then but not yours? How about if your parents divorced when you were small and the NRP had more children. Are they not your family?

There is a massive difference between genetic family and family who brought you up. That doesn't mean one is better or worse than the other
I personally have a lot of time for my adoptive family but have never had anything at all in common with them and never understood why. They are all very sporty, I am bookish and academic. They didn't and don't understand me growing up and vice versa. We look nothing alike. I like them well enough as people but in all honestly am probably closer emotionally to my husbands family than my adoptive one. Certainly my I laws all remember mine and my children's birthdays whereas my adoptive family don't.

I and my kids have significant health issues. Back in the 1960s on adoption no medical history was taken from the father's side and from the mother's side it was only whether there was any family history of cancer or heart disease. I have no way of knowing whether my own ill health (now ongoing for nearly a year and formally classed as a disability without a diagnosis) is genetic. When two out of my three children had life threatening conditions as very young babies I didn't know whether there were genetic issues at play to be tested for. Heck I didn't even know before trying to have children whether there were genetic issues I ought to be aware of.

No one knows whether Chocaholics husband's genetic siblings or aunts and uncles would welcome him with open arms or be heart broken that he even existed. Either could be the case. It's for him to weigh up the pros and cons but neither you, I nor his adoptive family have any say in what he decides to do and don't have crystal balls so can't tell him how things will end up.

Incidentally things have changed a lot over the last 20-30 years. There is no way on earth my adoptive family would be allowed to adopt these days. Not all adoptive families are saints you know, or provide homes you'd want your own kids growing up in.

That might be true further back in the past but it certainly wasn't the case 20/30 years ago. Procedures were long winded and detailed with many people being declined for acceptance

Obviously the OP's OH must decide for himself but he neeeds to do this with due regard for the feeling of others, both in his own family and those in his birth mother's. The decisions he makes now will have repercussions for many people, none of whom have done anything to deserve to be hurt, just for his personal satisfaction.

Ms_Chocaholic

Jackieboy wrote: »

They're his birth mother's family, not his.

I also think it's a bit of an insult to his actual family to talk about his "natural family" as if his adoptive family are in some way unnatural, and I'm surprised that there's been no mention of their views on the subject.

Just for the purposes of clarification, neither of his adoptive parents are still alive.

Nicki

I've been open about my position on this jackeyboy. What is your agenda please? I think you should disclose it so that OP and her husband know it.

No one has to get hurt by this. The adoptive parents are dead. The birth siblings may or may not be. As OP doesn't know them she can't assess that in advance. Her OH could be very hurt if he doesn't follow through with this or if he does. But why are his feelings secondary to everyone else's.

My adoption was 46 years old and my adoptive parents were older than is now allowed with documented mental health and addiction issues on one side and serious marital issues at the time. So I don't know how old the OH is in this case but if he is a similar age to me he could have been placed in a family similar to mine or a lovely stable but childless family with no issues of any kind. Who knows?

Jackieboy

Nicki wrote: »

I've been open about my position on this jackeyboy. What is your agenda please? I think you should disclose it so that OP and her husband know it.

No one has to get hurt by this. The adoptive parents are dead. The birth siblings may or may not be. As OP doesn't know them she can't assess that in advance. Her OH could be very hurt if he doesn't follow through with this or if he does. But why are his feelings secondary to everyone else's.

My adoption was 46 years old and my adoptive parents were older than is now allowed with documented mental health and addiction issues on one side and serious marital issues at the time. So I don't know how old the OH is in this case but if he is a similar age to me he could have been placed in a family similar to mine or a lovely stable but childless family with no issues of any kind. Who knows?

Why do you say you have a "position" but I have an "agenda"? We're two different people with different life experiences and different takes on the situation. Provided we're both civil about we're allowed to see things in different ways.

Personally, I don't think anybody has the right to automatically put their own feelings in front of those of other people - not necessarily behind those of others but not automatically ahead either. I'm saying that there's likely to be somebody else hurt in this situation, somebody who his birth mother may have been trying to protect and it seems to be wrong to trample over her stated wishes just because she's dead.

I'm sorry that your adoption was so difficult but you said that this could have happened twenty years ago and I simply pointed out that checks and training were pretty rigorous by that time, quite different from the situation that you unfortunately found yourself in years earlier.

TBagpuss

RuthnJasper wrote: »

But only of the now, sadly, deceased mother. NOT of her (probably) entirely blameless, innocent and unknowing other relatives. They are, most likely, not to blame for the choices their mutual relative made. Why do you think that they ought to suffer too? What help or explanation would that bring to either party?


I continue in sincerely wishing the OP and her partner all the best for the future. x

But why on earth would you assume that the relatives would suffer? It might be a shock to them, particularly if it was very soon after the mother's death. Why assume that anyone was 'to blame'?

It could equally be that the birth relatives are aware that there was *something* which birth mum kept secret, and knowing what it was could be a very welcome relief.

There may be members of the birth mother's family who *do* know, and are agonising about whether, and how, to break the news to OPs partner that his birth mother has died.

There may or may not be a happy ending if he decides to make contact but there is no reason to assume that people would 'suffer'

indsty

I tried to imagine that I was the birth mother - I have now died - I really would not want my family who I have left behind to learn of my adopted son's existence if they do not already know it. Think of all the questions it would pose them - who was his father, did "I" have an affair, why didn't I tell them about it, etc etc. This is so unnecessary and I believe unfair.

If by chance, they find paperwork relating to the son, then they may decide to follow it up - but in this instance I think it should be their choice. I would respect your birth mother's wishes - even in death.

sheramber

It's for him to weigh up the pros and cons but neither you, I nor his adoptive family have any say in what he decides to do and don't have crystal balls so can't tell him how things will end up.

Very true but the OP did ask for our opinions and that is what people have given.

Incidently, a relative of mine adopted two boys as babies. They are now grown men. Neither have any desire to find out about their birth mother. One is particularly against the suggestion.

TBagpuss

indsty wrote: »

I tried to imagine that I was the birth mother - I have now died - I really would not want my family who I have left behind to learn of my adopted son's existence if they do not already know it. Think of all the questions it would pose them - who was his father, did "I" have an affair, why didn't I tell them about it, etc etc. This is so unnecessary and I believe unfair.

If by chance, they find paperwork relating to the son, then they may decide to follow it up - but in this instance I think it should be their choice. I would respect your birth mother's wishes - even in death.

The thing is, that's very one-sided. It prioritises the *possible* feelings of the birth mother's family over the actual feelings of the OPs partner. He can't know know what his birth mother's family might want, he can only judge based on what he feels or wants.

It may be that learning about him will answer as many questions as it raises. there were two key people involved- him, and his birth mother. Now there is only one.

What about the loss and distress he may feel at losing the opportunity to make contact with his birth relatives? He has now lost the opportunity to learn more from his birth mother, but there is still the chance to potentially learn more *about* her.

arbroath_lass

indsty wrote: »

I tried to imagine that I was the birth mother - I have now died - I really would not want my family who I have left behind to learn of my adopted son's existence if they do not already know it.

Why are the birth mother's wishes more important than her son's, though? Especially now she's gone. In my opinion the OP's partner is well within his "rights" to contact family, although I feel he should leave it a while. It may work out, it may not but a dead woman's wishes in this matter are irrelevant.