Birth Mother Has Died

Ms_Chocaholic

My OH was adopted at 6 weeks, we traced his birth mother but she felt she could not be in contact as none of her family were aware of his existence. We let sleeping dogs lie so as not to cause any stress to his birth mum.

We were sad to learn of her son's death a few years ago (just via internet searches) and I have just discovered that she died recently. We missed the funeral but it was not local and we couldn't have gone anyway, not because we wouldn't have wanted to but because we wouldn't have felt it was appropriate and our presence may have led to a lot of explaining having to be done.

If we had known of the funeral we may have considered sending a wreath (the death announcement never mentioned flowers/no flowers) but we were thinking of sending some flowers to the grave now but we wanted to hear other people's opinions on this beforehand.

I'm also intrigued as to whether she kept any paperwork that she received from the adoption agency who contacted her with OH details, that this may be discovered when her family go through her things and lead to some sort of contact between my OH and his birth family.

Thanks for your help.

Ms Chocaholic x

Jackieboy

I think I'd abide by her wishes and stay away.

Tigsteroonie

I wouldn't send/take flowers to the grave, she wanted this to be kept from her family and you should remember those wishes.

Pay your respects in your own way - go somewhere memorable / make a donation to a charity / plant a rose bush in your garden.

Yorkie1

I think sending flowers might spook the family a bit.

duchy

I think if you respected her wishes in life - you should respect them in death too.

I couldn't imagine anything more awful than a "family secret" suddenly appearing and revealing themselves and shaking my understanding of a loved one. It could be very distressing for the family that she kept such a secret from especially whilst they are greiving.

Whilst I'm sure you are curious she may have had very good reasons not to bring your husband into the family....or she may simply have felt shame..... either way curiosity probably isn't a good enough reason to not follow her very clear wishes.

If she has kept records and her family discover the existence of your husband then they may try and trace him so he could make sure he is traceable through the adoption registers online with up to date contact details....or she may have destroyed everything .....or the family may not be interested. It's hard but this may remain a mystery forever .

Nicki

I discovered quite recently that I am adopted and the name of my birth mother. The adoption agency told me that if I wanted to initiate contact with her that they would write a letter which was so vague that only the birth mother would understand the meaning in case it fell into the hands of strangers.

So I was told the wording would be something along the lines of "we have a client, first named x (the name on your birth certificate not your current name) who wonders whether she may be related to your part of the family. If you believe this could be true please contact (phone no)". It wouldn't be on notepaper which would refer to adoption services in any way and would in fact look like an heir tracing/geneolgy search so as only the birth mother would understand the significance.

So unless you saw the letter which was sent, or got to the stage of exchanging correspondence with her yourself, I think it's likely the secret will have died with her and any recent correspondence even if not destroyed will mean nothing to family who find it, particularly as in the aftermath of a death, they aren't going to be thinking very hard about vague letters they find, just gathering in debts and assets and making hard choices about personal effects.

Sorry for his loss. It's not the right time mentally for me to make decisions about what to do about my birth mother but it would be hard to discover she had died without ever having the chance to meet her or find out more about my other relatives if that's what I wanted to do.

whitewing

Buy flowers for your own house so that you have done something tangible, and make a donation to a charity (maybe the same charity that funeral donations could go to, if appropriate).

pigpen

Buy flowers for your home, light a candle and give thanks that she gave him life in the first instance.. maybe visit the grave if you get chance in the future but for now respecting her wishes when her close family are in mourning is more important than ever.

You never know what she kept.. she may have pictures of him as a baby, his birth certificate, clothing, diaries, other items.. it will likely be discovered and what comes of that remais to be seen.

Mrshaworth2b

I personally don't see anything wrong with sending anomymous flowers to the grave if your OH really feels strongly about it. He couldn't be identified by that and I don't think think the family would be spooked by that.

TBagpuss

I think the real question is what your OH wants to do? It's very thoughtul of you both to be thinking about his birth family.

If it is important to him to recognise and mark her death then there are ways he could do that - he could make a donatation to a charity (either one she supported, if there were details in the funeral notice, or one linked with adoption or caring for children)
If he is religious at all I am sure that he could ask his local church to include her in prayers.

He could hold his own ceremony to remember her - perhaps planting a tree in her memory - it doesn't have to be public, it can be about him finding a way to mark her passing.

If he wished, he could consider making a trip to visit the grave at a later date.


If he wants to try to establish contact with other member's of his birth family I think he is entitled to do so if he wants to for his own sake, but in that case I would suggest that he leaves it for 6 months or so so that it doesn't come out of the blue just after her death, after all, his wish to make contact with his birth relatives is at least as important as his birth mum's wishes, and she can no longer be hurt by anything he might do.

Ms_Chocaholic

Thank you all for your kind responses which we have considered. We would not do anything rash that may hurt her loved ones, they are going through a difficult time as it is never mind a long lost relative popping up on the scene to make matters a hundred times worse.

This is my OH's decision but, as he rarely uses a computer and I'm registered here, we agreed I would post here for advice. Sorry if the I/we may have been misconstrued, the decisions are entirely his.

The area in which she lived and died is a plane ride away so it's not something we could do on the spur of the moment anyway. We may visit that area in the coming years anyway as there's some attractions nearby we'd love to visit so may pay a visit to the grave at that time.

In terms of the flowers, we have decided not to send any but will make a charitable donation. Death notices locally (to us) usually state something along the lines of "donations, if required in lieu of flowers can be made to X" however this doesn't seem to happen in their area, I'm not quite sure why. OH will just choose a charity close to his heart.

In terms of Nicki's question re the letters that were sent to her by the adoption agency, the initial letter that was sent did not state the obvious and was very vague in terms of who was trying to make contact. However, she then rang the adoption agency and had a lengthy discussion with the worker, she was so glad OH was happy and well. Her second child (after OH and first of her marriage) had been unwell following birth and she thought she was going to lose him, she said that she thought this was a punishment for giving away her first.

A subsequent letter was then sent with more details, I can't remember exactly but it gave current names (including mine and our children) and other personal details.

In terms of pigpen's comment - I had not really thought about his birth certificate and baby photos at all.

In terms of any future contact, as I said in the first paragraph, we would not dream of doing anything rash and in terms of any future contact with the family, someone suggested at least 6 months, they have really had a traumatic time as a family over recent years so this would not be considered for over 18 months at least.