Birth Mother Has Died

Loanranger

To do anything that would alert the family to the fact that she had a son who was adopted is a very bad idea indeed.
Your OH must accept her wishes not to be in contact.
The family are very likely to be very hurt indeed to discover their mother's secret. It was her decision. Hard for him I know but far better to let sleeping dogs lie and as others have said, light a candle or donate some money to his fave charity.
I speak with experience of adoption.

fairy_lights

Loanranger wrote: »

Your OH must accept her wishes not to be in contact.
The family are very likely to be very hurt indeed to discover their mother's secret. It was her decision. Hard for him I know but far better to let sleeping dogs lie and as others have said, light a candle or donate some money to his fave charity.
I speak with experience of adoption.

I don't agree with this, they respected the mothers wishes when she was alive but now she's gone it's not about her anymore. OP's husband has family out there who probably don't even know he exists, and I wouldn't assume that they would be hurt to discover the truth. They might be, but equally they might be delighted to discover a brother they never knew they had.
I'm not saying he should rush in like a bull in a China shop but if he feels like he wants to make contact then that's his choice and not necessarily a bad one.

Mrshaworth2b

I persoally don't agree with the comments of stay away, just because this is what she wanted when she was alive, she unfortunately isn't here anymore, her family may well welcome your oh if in time he did get in touch. It's a gamble either way you do it but he respected her wishe's while she was here and that's admirable, given that he was given up there must be some feeling about that somewhere.

Jackieboy

Mrshaworth2b wrote: »

I personally don't see anything wrong with sending anomymous flowers to the grave if your OH really feels strongly about it. He couldn't be identified by that and I don't think think the family would be spooked by that.

I think they could be - I know I would!

Jackieboy

fairy_lights wrote: »

I don't agree with this, they respected the mothers wishes when she was alive but now she's gone it's not about her anymore. OP's husband has family out there who probably don't even know he exists, and I wouldn't assume that they would be hurt to discover the truth. They might be, but equally they might be delighted to discover a brother they never knew they had.
I'm not saying he should rush in like a bull in a China shop but if he feels like he wants to make contact then that's his choice and not necessarily a bad one.

They really aren't his family and I don't think he has the right to inflict this sort of hurt on people he doesn't know.

Georgiegirl256

Jackieboy wrote: »

I think they could be - I know I would!

I would be too tbh.

OP, I don't think your OH should make contact ever. He should respect his late mothers wishes. If he were to get in touch, it could open up a whole can of worms. Personally, I don't think it's a good move.

Mrshaworth2b

Jackieboy wrote: »

I think they could be - I know I would!

Why? At my mums funeral there were flowers sent with no cards, it wasn't spooky, it was comforting that someone felt so about my mother that they wanted to pay respect? I didn't question where they came from. It's the thought that counts and all that

Jackieboy

Mrshaworth2b wrote: »

Why? At my mums funeral there were flowers sent with no cards, it wasn't spooky, it was comforting that someone felt so about my mother that they wanted to pay respect? I didn't question where they came from. It's the thought that counts and all that

I think that's very unusual, I've never come across flowers with no card at a funeral. Mind you, I've never come across sending flowers to the grave after the funeral either - how would you get them delivered there even?

I think it would stand out as being mysterious and get people talking.

RuthnJasper

Maybe you could sow some forget-me-not seeds?


Hope your OH will be OK, Ms. Chocaholic. It's great that he has you to love and support him.


Best wishes. x

Jackieboy

RuthnJasper wrote: »

Maybe you could sow some forget-me-not seeds?


Hope your OH will be OK, Ms. Chocaholic. It's great that he has you to love and support him.


Best wishes. x

Or plant a rosemary bush.