Birth Mother Has Died

sheramber

I wouldn't make any contact. His birth mother had her own reasons for not making contact.

Worst case scenario.
iF the birth mother was married without telling anybody about a previous child how would her husband feel to find out , after she died, that she had had a pregnancy he knew nothing about. possibly when she was married to him

Would your husband want to cause such an upset to a family grieving the loss of loved one?

bluebell13

And all that will do is cause a tremendous amount of upset to the family left behind who have done nothing to deserve it and are already grieving her loss.

aaroncaz

Maybe he should wait a while then get in contact, he respected his birth mother's request when she was alive but she is gone now, and he should have the chance to get to know his birth family. She is gone, he is here it is not his fault he was born and given up for adoption. If they don't want to know that's the chance he would have taken anyway in finding his family.

PasturesNew

Is there a husband involved? Or just her kids?

I think if a husband who never knew is still around, then that's a whole different kettle of fish to there being children, the half-siblings of the OP's OH.

Ms_Chocaholic

Those asking about a husband, she was single when OH was born and didn't meet her husband to be until a few years later (about 5 I think). Her husband died when her children were very young. I don't think he was aware of OH's existence. She then met another partner who she had been with for a lot of years (she had no children by this partner), I understand he wasn't aware either as when the initial letter arrived from the adoption agency, she said to the adoption worker when she rang that she had "managed to explain the letter away".

RuthnJasper

But only of the now, sadly, deceased mother. NOT of her (probably) entirely blameless, innocent and unknowing other relatives. They are, most likely, not to blame for the choices their mutual relative made. Why do you think that they ought to suffer too? What help or explanation would that bring to either party?


I continue in sincerely wishing the OP and her partner all the best for the future. x

Nicki

This is a really tough one and people, not all of whom have been in the situation, have strong feelings.

Since I discovered as an adult that I was adopted I have from time to time frequented adoption boards of the searching for relatives variety to see if my birth mother or anyone who might be a birth relative may be looking for me. Sadly not in my case, but there are lots and lots of siblings and half siblings posting in these forums looking for lost children they've only just become aware existed.

So whilst the immediate aftermath of the death is not the time to do it, and there is definitely no guarantee of a happy ending, it is certainly not the case that all families would react badly or be distressed if a long lost adopted sibling came forward.

For OP's husband, it is a fairly instinctive desire to know your siblings and parents or at least a little about them, and it's not really for people who have not been in that situation to opine on whether they are right or wrong to have the urge whether or not they go on to follow through with it.

One could as easily say that the OP's husband was selfish for withholding knowledge of his existence from a sibling when he may be the only blood relative left (if one brother has already passed away) as castigate him as selfish for coming forward after a reasonable mourning period has gone by.

As for the birth mother being selfish for putting him up for adoption, I can only assume that poster is a troll or a fool or both! How could he possibly generalise in such a way, and how could such a comment not be seen by both birth mothers and adopted children as a very hurtful thing to say?

jumpingjackd

Jackieboy wrote: »

They really aren't his family and I don't think he has the right to inflict this sort of hurt on people he doesn't know.

I disagree, they are his family, albeit they are unaware of his existence, but ops OH may have questions about his birth he would like answered and be curious about his natural family.

Its quite likely birth mother has confided in someone and they may well be wondering too. Also, there are siblings, should they not be given the choice of getting to know a brother.

I think the OPs feelings need to be considered as well as the birth mothers family. Im sure if I was adopted I would have many things I would like answered, even if I didnt go on to have a relationship with them

Jackieboy

jumpingjackd wrote: »

I disagree, they are his family, albeit they are unaware of his existence, but ops OH may have questions about his birth he would like answered and be curious about his natural family.

Its quite likely birth mother has confided in someone and they may well be wondering too. Also, there are siblings, should they not be given the choice of getting to know a brother.

I think the OPs feelings need to be considered as well as the birth mothers family. Im sure if I was adopted I would have many things I would like answered, even if I didnt go on to have a relationship with them

They're his birth mother's family, not his.

I also think it's a bit of an insult to his actual family to talk about his "natural family" as if his adoptive family are in some way unnatural, and I'm surprised that there's been no mention of their views on the subject.

Nicki

Is your brother your parent's family then but not yours? How about if your parents divorced when you were small and the NRP had more children. Are they not your family?

There is a massive difference between genetic family and family who brought you up. That doesn't mean one is better or worse than the other
I personally have a lot of time for my adoptive family but have never had anything at all in common with them and never understood why. They are all very sporty, I am bookish and academic. They didn't and don't understand me growing up and vice versa. We look nothing alike. I like them well enough as people but in all honestly am probably closer emotionally to my husbands family than my adoptive one. Certainly my I laws all remember mine and my children's birthdays whereas my adoptive family don't.

I and my kids have significant health issues. Back in the 1960s on adoption no medical history was taken from the father's side and from the mother's side it was only whether there was any family history of cancer or heart disease. I have no way of knowing whether my own ill health (now ongoing for nearly a year and formally classed as a disability without a diagnosis) is genetic. When two out of my three children had life threatening conditions as very young babies I didn't know whether there were genetic issues at play to be tested for. Heck I didn't even know before trying to have children whether there were genetic issues I ought to be aware of.

No one knows whether Chocaholics husband's genetic siblings or aunts and uncles would welcome him with open arms or be heart broken that he even existed. Either could be the case. It's for him to weigh up the pros and cons but neither you, I nor his adoptive family have any say in what he decides to do and don't have crystal balls so can't tell him how things will end up.

Incidentally things have changed a lot over the last 20-30 years. There is no way on earth my adoptive family would be allowed to adopt these days. Not all adoptive families are saints you know, or provide homes you'd want your own kids growing up in.