Looking for advice: Husband with spending problem

Queen.Bess

Welcome HBG, you have come to the right place if you want good advice and help for you and your OH to move forward.

I have been in the same situation with my OH who kept the truth from me; said he had a job and that 'money was coming'...finally he admitted that he neither had a job nor that the money was coming. Ultimately he had anxiety and mh issues far bigger than I ever realised, but by this time, we'd been together for 7 (married for 3) and all the debt was in my name to the tune of over £30k.

When he told me, and in the days after, the biggest temptation was for me to leave him and for him to be packed off back to his parents. I didn't choose this option as it was clear he needed my help and we needed to work through this together. I'm glad we did because, despite the lies, despite the likelihood of others wondering why on earth I would remain with someone who had done this to me, we are a team and I love him.

So, please don't give up, please sit down and talk to him, explain to him how this has hurt you and how, as a team, you can work through this to put a plan in place.

I wish you all the very best. QBx

runforlife

If I may say I would firstly look at the relationship problems and then if that can be resolved the financial problems. Practically it may be worth getting a credit report on your own finances to see if there are any nasty surprises!

leicestersq

My advice is to walk away. It wont get any better.

Candyapple

heartbrokengirl wrote: »

I realized that his attitude to money was strange shortly before we got married. I needed to get him some money when I was working abroad so I said it was okay for him to take my card and withdraw the money we had agreed upon. That account also held my tax savings for that year. Instead of the few hundred we agreed on, he cleared it of a few thousand. He told me that this was a miscommunication and wanting to believe him, I did believe him. He told me he would pay me back. I borrowed money from my family to cover the shortfall. I haven't received any of it back yet.

!!!!!!!!

You: Can you take out £300 please
Him: Sure. *takes out £3,000*
You (upon getting home and seeing your statement) Why did you take out £3,000 when I said you could only take out £300?
Him: Oh sorry, I thought you said take out £3,000. Sounds very similar to £300. Honest mistake.
You: Ok fair enough. Can I have my money back please?
Him: No, sorry, I don’t have it, even though it’s only been a couple of days since you got back. I’ll pay you back though. Thanks.

How on earth did you go on to marry him after you never received any of your money back?

heartbrokengirl wrote: »

There was some strange behaviour where he lent a cash card to a female colleague but he said that was because she couldn't open her own account...

Again, !!!!!!!

Who does that? I don’t know anyone who would lend their bank card to a colleague because they have no cash of their own/can’t open an account. He would have had to have told her his PIN as well. It’s not like he took cash out and gave it to her, by his story he gave her his bank card. Why is he suddenly her white knight? She works so she has money coming in and what about her parents or her partner? Either they are having an affair or he is lying to you. There's just no valid reason as to why anyone would do that. For a colleague.

I’m sorry but I agree with another poster, you’ve been living in denial for years by the sounds of it. It’s gonna be either gambling, drug problem, sex/prostitute addiction or another woman/family elsewhere as to where all this money has gone. None are enviable situations. Good luck. I know I couldn’t live with that level of betrayal; once the trust is gone, it’s nigh impossible to get it back and the relationship is over.

Another poster has given excellent practical advice of obtaining copies of your own credit reports from the 3 credit reference agencies (Experian, Equifax and Call Credit) to check that he hasn’t taken out any cards / loans in your name behind your back.

heartbrokengirl

Thanks all for your advice and comments. I've read them all carefully.

I spoke to OH this morning for a long time and I think I have some progress on it... He seemed very upset (crying etc.) and perhaps a little relieved...? He attributes the problem to an ego. All of his friends are VERY well off and spend a lot of money in nice bars, restaurants etc. He wanted to keep up with them and not be left out of the group. He's lent money to people (which he clearly didn't have) so that he could on the outside appear successful. He has also admitted that some of it was in a casino but only because his friends were going (never gone on his own or had online accounts) so perhaps a gambling addiction is not the root cause.

Knowing OH, this is a plausible reason. He's very outgoing and likes being at the centre of things. The exact opposite of me!

He's produced handfuls of receipts stuffed in pockets and from the bottom of draws/bags etc. that all make me think his excuse is valid. Certainly if he was spending this much going out having a nice time and drinking, it wouldn't take too long to work up this amount of debt!

(I should mention that I travel a lot for my work and although I'm always invited to go out with him and his mates, I tend to only go for an hour or two or just stay at home... Tragic, I know! I'm just so tired from work... I like my sleep...)

He also has shown me default notices with penalties that seem to have snowballed the debt. It looks like he's paying £300 on interest a month for the overdraft and credit cards. And penalties for late payments might boost that by another £50.

We're apparently also in rent arrears to his Mum by around £2000. I've offered to pay that because I didn't contribute to the rent (having agreed with him that he would pay it). Unfortunately MIL hates me and entirely ignores my existence... She's also ignored my attempt to address the arrears... Oh well!

It also turns out that MIL wants to evict us in the next few months. Probably a combination of hating me and being sick of her son not paying his way. (I am now wondering if she hates me because I was continuing my normal lifestyle blissfully unaware the rent was going unaware... I would have been annoyed at me, too, if I were her watching me get a new videogame or whatever else...)

What I have done immediately...

- I've taken out some money to get me through the next couple of weeks and given my cards to a bestfriend to keep in their safe.

- I checked my credit report. Everything looks fine and dandy there! So that's a BIG positive for me.

- I've made OH give me all of his cards.

What I will do now...

- OH has given me every piece of paper he has. There is a lot missing but he says that he destroyed a lot to stop me finding out. So I will start going through that to see what the best way forward is.

What he will do...

- He's going to talk to his mum to see if we can get a stay of execution on the eviction. She can't know what's happened either and he's promised to tell her everything. He's going to be doing that this evening.

He's got a lot more to do but I think I have to start step by step.


The future...

I really don't know what this will mean for our relationship. My initial response was to pack a bag and get the hell out of here. Luckily for me, I have a property from before I got married which my brother is now staying in (while he saves up for his own mortgage). I'm sure he won't mind his big sis in the box room... Or rather he won't have a choice!

However, I don't feel like I can just walk away from such a mess. OH seems to be genuine, but I'm not sure I trust the apologies. If he goes through with it and is honest with his mum, that might go some way to making me believe he is ready to change his ways. If he doesn't, I think that might be the final nail in the coffin. If he does, I think there is going to be a lot of work over the next few months. Perhaps because I have my own work and my own place to be, I can afford the energy to stay strong and keep working through it. I'm just so glad we don't have any kids to add to the problem!

I'm certainly not going to pay him out of this one. He'll have to work hard and pull back to get himself back within his means. Maybe then I can trust him... I'm not sure. I'll have to see how it goes. I keep going through cycles of pure rage and sadness.

Maybe this huge stack of statements and angry late payment letters will take my mind off it...

Thanks for the support! I'll keep you updated on the progress or lack of...

AnotherJoe

She can't know what's happened either and he's promised to tell her everything. He's going to be doing that this evening.
======

Why do I not believe he'll do that?

Someone who can steal (yes, steal) three THOUSAND pounds from their fiance is a low-life there's just no getting away from that. And he did it to give to other people so his mates thought he was successful? Its either pathetic or unbelievable. (I believe you, not sure I believe his tale).

And if he needs you to mother him through all this, and in the future, what does that do for your relationship?

Good luck whatever happens. Remember the saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". You seem like you're on about the tenth time?

heartbrokengirl

AnotherJoe wrote: »

She can't know what's happened either and he's promised to tell her everything. He's going to be doing that this evening.
======

Why do I not believe he'll do that?

Yeah... You're echoing what I feel.

At least it's a chance I can give him to start putting things right without it costing me money or too much time. I'll follow up direct with his family (even if she doesn't speak to me, the others do).

I may have been gullible in the past, but I won't let it happen again.

Tyrone_Black

heartbreak_star wrote: »

My immediate thought was gambling too

Some great advice above. I really do wish you well.

HBS x

leicestersq wrote: »

My advice is to walk away. It wont get any better.

Even if it does, a) what he's done already should be enough to make you run and b) it won't last.

Whether he's intentionally ripping you off or is addicted to something horrible, he's taken an incredible amount of money from you and the fact that he's still in massive debt says that no amount will ever be enough.

Get out of this and don't look back. He'll tell you all kinds of things to make you stay or come back, but he's a liar. You know that. You seem to have enough money to survive on your own. If you don't leave while you have the chance, eventually you won't have the money any more and you'll be trapped.

Sorry for harshness, but I think it's justified here.

andyfromotley

Hi HBG

Well at least you are making progress. However you are being far too trusting!!! This is quite normal, we want to trust the people that we love and by and large that is fine they have our best interests at heart. But not your husband, he gave up that position when he lied and cheated you out of money. Now your default position needs to be, you have told me something about finances, its probably a lie. Do not be so quick to dismiss the reasons i suggested earlier for this debt.

I would,

1. Make him get a copy of his credit reports and work out precisely how much debt he has.
2. Work out exactly how much you and others have given him. (or had taken from you by him!!)
3. Tot it all up.
4. tot up all the receipts.
5. Demand to know how the difference has been spent. Do not rest until you get a satisfactory answer.
6. Examine his bank accounts and CC's in detail to piece together the full picture.

If you recall in my earlier post i said to trust your instincts? Well my instincts are screaming BS. I may be wrong but i have an in depth knowledge of the lies that people tell to fudge financial issues. And the vague general overspending without all of the receipts fits the classic picture of someone continuing to lie.

I do understand that this is all a very unnappetising way to live your life, but if you do not resolve this to your satisfaction now then i am afraid that you are doomed.

Why is he going to his mums on his own? Nope, those days are over, you cannot trust him to tell her the truth or him to report back to you truthfully either. Those days are gone!!! Sorry to be so hard line, none of this was your fault and i am sure that you dont want to be dealing with it all. But here you are, it has to be dealt with and you need to be be tough and determined.

More hugs

Candyapple

So basically his excuse for £45k of debt is trying to keep up with the Jones'? To the extent of stealing from his family, business partner(s), his wife? Really?

If your husband's friends were so well off, why would they be coming to him for loans?

Or was he trying to be Mr Billy Big Balls and bragging about a lavish lifestyle and throwing the cash around like he was a millionaire, throwing money at people and telling them not to bother repaying him?

Or are they really actually well off, or just like your husband, living their lives on credit/trying to keep up with impressing each other?

Is his self-esteem really that low that he thinks his friends won't be his friends unless he matches their lifestyle?

How old is he? Possible mid-life crisis?

Who is he trying to impress? You're his wife. The one who he supposedly wants to spend the rest of his life with. Yes it's nice to eat out and go to fancy places, bars etc. but at the detriment of your relationship and also risking the roof over your heads? I'm sorry, that would not fly with me. Thank your lucky stars you don't have children into the mix, can you imagine what a cluster-f you'd be in now?

Now that he has supposedly come clean, how is he going to explain his sudden absence from his friends and partying etc? It's not like it's a gradual withdrawal process. He'll have no more funds to spend. Can you see him spending the next x-amount of years at home, staying in almost every single night, because he can't afford to go out because the money is going on repaying his debts?

He owes his mum £15k.
He owes his business partner £15k.
He owes on credit cards £15k.
He owes you ?

The only option I can see for him going forward would be bankruptcy, but then that will cause problems within your/his family as those debts will be wiped too and I don't imagine they won't be best pleased, it's not like £15k is a small sum. And to do that to your own mum. That is low.

It looks like you've planned on staying with him. I hope you keep your options open and definitely DO NOT bail him out. I can't help thinking that you are still only getting half the story and there is more to come.