Looking for advice: Husband with spending problem

Kitten868

You're facing a lot and it is hard to come round to. I think the warning signs have been there for a while but it's still a lot to be confronted with. I don't think you should trust him. At least not yet. How long do you think this debt has been run up over? 5 years? 10?
If you're going ahead with this relationship I think the next step is to talk to a debt charity. You need specific advice about how to deal with this. If he follows through on this then you can see change. If he doesn't then you're off. And get him to call in these loans that he's being charged interest on to pay his mum.
You need to speak to your MIL and you didn't find out til today that you're being made homeless. You need to find out if you can stop this or just when!
Good luck x

freshcotton

Please take the advice on here with a pinch of salt, I'm not trying to have a go at the other posts as they all make good points.

However this is your marriage and you're no fool, make sure you don't lose confidence in yourself and nothing wrong with supporting him.

He maybe telling the truth, but then maybe not. Suggestions on here refer to a number of sins which he may be engaging in. Continue to presume them untrue unless evidence says otherwise. If not, it could distroy your marriage.

A lavish lifestyle can rack up debts.

Anyway, good luck and be strong, and on a separate note, your husband needs to learn that frugle living is cool

Glawster

I hope it works out for you, it must be a horrible situation.

I am in a not dissimilar situation to your husband, having recently told my wife my debts are in the region of £48000. There are a few differences - I have never taken or borrowed money from her, let alone stolen money with her bank card. I have never given my cash card (or claimed to) to someone from work. We also have quite a bit of equity in our house, so if it came to it I could pay off my debt with that.

You obviously need to speak to him but it may well be a long process. If he isn't ready to tell you what it is all about, he won't. He'll tell you what he thinks you want to hear and no more. It may take him a while to come to terms with it himself for all sorts of reasons - pride, shame, embarassment, denial.

I think you should keep your finances seperate and stop giving him money. Even if you get everything out in the open, get repayment plans in place and get everything on 0% finance if he isn't ready the debts will only increase. Credit is all too easy to obtain and if you transfer any of the debt to your name he WILL find more, with or without your knowledge.

Sorry if this sounds negative, but from someone who has been there it is the reality. If you are going to stick with him you need to know what lies ahead and it will be tough.

I think Aegean's point was good. Huge debts don't automatically mean gambling, drugs and prostitutes (although I'm sure they have led many people to this situation). My debts involve no more than £200-300 due to gambling and nothing on drugs or prostitutes. I just spend money like water, especially when I'm out drinking - and I like to go out. A couple of hundred quid for a night out wouldn't give me a moments pause. Holidays, rugby tickets, concert tickets, meals out, motorbikes, Christmas - it all went on a credit card. When that card maxed out I got another. Then a consolidation load. Then back to the cards. Then 0% balance transfers. Then back to the original cards. Scary really.

I wish you all the best and hope it works out

QueenBeruthiel

I agree. Let him sort out his debts - or not. See a solicitor. Work out an exit strategy. Don't go down with this ship.

bearcat16

When I read the first part of the story, I did not think gambling was the problem. I was sure it was living beyond his means month after month, and also being financially disorganised.

It's a sure fire way to build up frightening debts, I've seen it a few times before

AnotherJoe

bearcat16 wrote: »

When I read the first part of the story, I did not think gambling was the problem. I was sure it was living beyond his means month after month, and also being financially disorganised.

There one heck of a difference between being disorganised and theft.
Theft from your fianc! and your mother. That's beyond "disorganised" into scumbag territory. OP should have killed the relationship at that point. She's been enabling him since then. Sorry OP.

LJB290

I would definitely accompany him to visit his mother while he tells his story. You are still a couple after all.
It doesn't matter if you get on with her or not but if you don't go - you could well be the scape goat and the blame could be placed firmly at your door.
By going with him, you show solidarity (if that's what you want), you get to hear his "truth" and can also stick up for yourself if need be.

You need to be very nosy from now on - you need to know everything.
Unfortunately "suspicious" will be your middle name from now on!

I'm so glad you have "pre-relationship" stability in the form of a property etc too - make sure that you keep it all intact- its your back up plan (and you should certainly have one) if things become difficult.

Good luck and I hope you can work things out together - just don't pay to put it all right because no one learns from someone pulling them out of a situation like this - they'll go straight back and do it again!

AnotherJoe

You need to be very nosy from now on - you need to know everything.
Unfortunately "suspicious" will be your middle name from now on!
======

What sort of basis for any relationship is that?

LJB290

Its the only basis for her relationship if she wants to continue to be a part of it - and even if she doesn't - she's already entwined in the finances and needs to be aware of everything......

It's not her fault that she is in this situation - what she does with the information and advice etc is completely up to her. She can, of course, ignore it and continue as if nothing has happened.......

AnotherJoe

LJB290 wrote: »

Its the only basis for her relationship if she wants to continue to be a part of it - and even if she doesn't - she's already entwined in the finances and needs to be aware of everything......

It's not her fault that she is in this situation.

Of course it is !

It wasn't up until he stole thousands of pounds from her. From that point on, when she then continued not only tolerating that but continuing to pay him up to a thousand pounds a month pocket money, to be spent on such items as a female colleague at work, she was as much to blame as him.

She is not "entwined in the finances" she can just walk away if she wants. Even his own mother is evicting him so why is she "entwined"?

She stopped being the innocent party when after he said "it was a mistake to take that money out of your bank account", when she asked for it back, he said "no I've spent it" and then she gave him more!

He must think he's in clover, a partner that's a cash machine.

On what planet, after months and months of her enabling him, is this not equally her fault?