Looking for advice: Husband with spending problem

Queen.Bess

Hi HBG, just caught up and read that you've been able to talk to him and that you now know the reasons for the spending. Let's hope you can both move forward from here and that positive steps will be taken together.

There seem to be a few suggestions of upping and leaving him, and whilst this has probably crossed your mind (I know it crossed mine with my OH), you are married and you will have taken vows "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish..." and these aren't just words to say, they have meaning. So you will have to think and if your marriage is worth anything, you will need to work out how best to go forward, which I hope will be together as he clearly needs your support.

Trust me, 6 years on from my problems, we are stronger together and happy - and there are no more lies. So if you can weather this big storm, there is some sunshine to look forward to!

Take care, QBx

andyfromotley

AnotherJoe wrote: »

On what planet, after months and months of her enabling him, is this not equally her fault?

I'm not sure that i agree with this. It smacks of victim blaming. There are many many reasons why people put up with what seems to be appalling behaviour. This does not make them equally responsible. It may make them daft, confused, scared, bullied, caring, forgiving, in love or many other things, but imo it does not make them equally responsible.

I'm not sure that you repeatedly stating this in a pretty direct and unsympathetic manner is helping either.

AnotherJoe

andyfromotley wrote: »

I'm not sure that i agree with this. It smacks of victim blaming. There are many many reasons why people put up with what seems to be appalling behaviour. This does not make them equally responsible. It may make them daft, confused, scared, bullied, caring, forgiving, in love or many other things, but imo it does not make them equally responsible.

I'm not sure that you repeatedly stating this in a pretty direct and unsympathetic manner is helping either.

That's one way of looking at it.
Another perspective would be, you are treating her as a helpless "victim" to whom stuff is happening out of her control, and I'm pointing out she has the full capability to be an empowered person who has it entirely in her own grasp to remedy the situation.

Flooky

I've read you post and have my own judgement based on what you have said but unless we are your shoes we do not know the full extent of the situation. However, I had a very good friend when I was younger who had a similar problem as your husband.

Back when I was living at home with parents I had a decent job and was making a more than my monthly salary playing poker, there were a few of us who used to go on extravagant nights out, holidays, lease cars do everything a 19 year old without a clue of the value of money would do. This was all well and good I spent a lot of money and have nothing to show for it apart from good memories and even better friendships. I don't regret my decisions but I sure could do with that money now I have a family and a house! One lad in our group used to do all the things we did but without the bankroll, he quickly racked up a lot of debt. He lied to us about his debts for us to lend him money, he always seemed genuine, he worded things in a way that would make you feel guilty for not lending him the money, by the end of it I genuinely think he believes he was the victim.

Not long after we had bailed him out yet again we found out that he was basically bankrupting his mum and dad as well, once we confronted him about it he tried blaming us for his situation which is where our friendship ended. This may not be exactly whats happening in your situation but there are similarities, please don't get caught out like we did, if he's willing to change then you hold all of the cards, don't give him an inch because he will take a mile.

Flooky

QueenBeruthiel

If the OP is still around (she hasn't posted since the 12th) I would urge her, more strongly than ever, to see a solicitor. Some firms offer free initial consultations; check out your local press. The ominous noises from the former business partners are a red flag. I shouldn't have to spell out where this could end.

FBaby

I may have been gullible in the past, but I won't let it happen again

The key question is: does he truly believe it? However angry you might have felt, you did forgive him very easily. A few tears, a sobbing story and you felt sorry for him and forgave. You must be such a lovely and caring person, which is great, but it doesn't take away the fact that until now, he has totally taken you for granted.

It would have made much more of an impact if you had indeed packed up your bags and left him to believe, at least for a few days if not weeks, that you were not going to accept living with him in such circumstances. That might have been his LBM. As it is, even if he really means well, how long will it be until the pressure to fit it and boost his ego takes over again and he starts hiding things from you again because when that happens, he won't have flashbacks to what he almost lost, only visions of how he will feel if he doesn't get his ego rush.

If I were you, I would make it very clear to him that he has lost your trust 100% and it is his responsibility to gain it again. My first move would be to get in touch with his mum and say how much you are relieved that he came clean to her and that you are very sorry he wasn't paying her because he was spending the money for the rent on going out with his friends and see how she reacts. After all, if he really did come clean, she shouldn't react on the defensive.

heartbrokengirl

Thanks for all the posts and advice. After all that, he didn't come clean to his mother. If he couldn't do that, we couldn't move forward. I decided I needed to leave our place and went back home to my brother. I'm just picking up what I'm going to do from here. I haven't cut off contact for the moment, but at least home I feel I have some more control of the situation. I'm picking through my own financial situation to make sure I'm as safe as possible. Thank you again and I'll update if there is some miracle!

MoneyMission

Ah bless you HBG. Hope things will be OK soon.

PaceThePixie

HBG,

I have read this thread with interest but I couldn't think of any advice to offer above what others had posted. I think you have made the absolutely right move for you and your life. I wish you all the luck in the world. You deserve so much better. I hope your finances bounce back healthily soon.

Keep smiling.
Pace

Debtslayer

heartbrokengirl wrote: »

Thanks for all the posts and advice. After all that, he didn't come clean to his mother. If he couldn't do that, we couldn't move forward. I decided I needed to leave our place and went back home to my brother. I'm just picking up what I'm going to do from here. I haven't cut off contact for the moment, but at least home I feel I have some more control of the situation. I'm picking through my own financial situation to make sure I'm as safe as possible. Thank you again and I'll update if there is some miracle!

Unfortunately I doubt you were surprised that he hadn't come clean to his mother.
You've absolutely made the right decision to remove yourself from the living situation.
Do take care of yourself and ensure your own finances are secure.
All the best for the future x