Looking for advice: Husband with spending problem

Debtslayer

How awful for you.
I totally agree with other posters; there is something seriously wrong here and the fact that he continues to lie to you even when faced with evidence makes it even worse.
You need to find out and deserve to know the truth; you cannot just carry on like this as if there is nothing wrong.
If he wants to sort things out and I would say save your marriage then he has to be totally honest with you
Extremely good post by Andy by the way; think you should follow his advice.
Sending you a big hug x

Kitten868

To be honest when I first read this post I thought the best idea would be to file for an annulment on the marriage. I'm shocked that he robbed you with no remorse just before the wedding.
How much do you pay in rent to his mum? Pay her direct your half. Do not give him any money for any expenses.
I think you should give him an ultimatum - tell me or I'm going.
Am I right to guess your savings are gone? And go through his statements it'll be obvious. X

dancingfairy

Dealing with the debt is one thing but you have to get to the route of the problem first. Sadly if it is an addiction of some sort it will only change when he recognises he needs help. Sadly he might lose everything before reality hits him.
Right now you need to be looking out for yourself. Don't give him extra money, don't trust what he says about paying things off ( as he's clearly lied before) and look at getting accounts solely in your name/ ring fencing your own money as much as you can and minimising the amount of joint accounts you have.
I hope for your own sanity you get to the bottom of things.
Df

tallyhoh

You could be writing the story of my life, the lies, the excuses, the spending. After 30 years still the same. You have to decide whether you are going to stay with your OH. I did for the sake of our son. I believe its a personality disorder in our case & could be in yours. Sorry.

EDIT: If its any consolation my OH didnt spend it on gambling etc but simply taking loans out to clear previous debts, then not paying the loans & taking more loans out to clear them & so on. The original debts were spent on simply overspending.

AnotherJoe

You are equally to blame, you've been enabling him. As an example, he stole several thousand from you, he hasn't made any attempt to pay it back, yet each month you give him up to a thousand pounds!

He's a liar and a cheat, you're an enabler. Just leave. Never mind the money, that's almost an irrelevance to the deception and frankly theft, and I'm staggered you just sit there concerned about the money rather than the bare faced lies.

Frankly, why care where the money has gone and is still going? It's obvious this is a pattern that will never change, and certainly not while you finance him and put up with it. What's his incentive to change?

You have the solution in your hands, it's up to you whether it continues.

tiger_eyes

This is a very worrying situation. The lying is even worse than the spending. A person who will lie to your face when you have hard evidence right there in your hands cannot be trusted at all. My guess is that there's something extremely troubling behind the unexplained spending - gambling, a serious drug addiction, escorts, another family, or who knows what else. It's time to start questioning everything he's ever told you, including whether he really does work those long hours. I wouldn't normally recommend invading his privacy, but for your own health and safety (could be a loan shark on the doorstep, drugs in the house, STDs from his extramarital activities...) I would seriously think about investigating without his knowledge.

Pixie5740

Kitten868 wrote: »

How much do you pay in rent to his mum? Pay her direct your half. Do not give him any money for any expenses.

If this is a joint tenancy there is no "his half" and "her half" both have joint and several liability for the whole rent, so with that in mind I would start making the full rent payments to the landlord i.e. MIL to protect the roof over my head. I would also assume responsibility for all priority bills such as council tax if the OP isn't doing so already.

I don't think the OP has the full story yet and I agree with others that if there's nothing to show for the money then he's spent the money gambling or drugs or something else unpleasant. I also agree that giving him money isn't going to help him. Certainty the OP can support her husband when he finally faces up to his problems or help him budget but he must take responsibility for his actions. Their finances need to be kept separately because the best debt solution for £45k of debt on an income of circa £30k might be a DRO or IVA since there appears to be no assets like a house.

Good luck in getting to the bottom of it all OP.

nkkingston

A lot of the lies he's telling you he's probably telling himself too, to convince himself everything is fine and normal and will all work out, and you're going to have to force him through that wall first before he is even capable of telling you the truth.

I'd take over all of the major household bills, and stop giving him money. That way you at least have security, and you can justify not giving him anything else. If you have a good relationship with your mother in law, maybe have a conversation with her as well if he stonewalls you. She may have insight into what he's hiding. And hopefully she'll appreciate getting her rent payments in full!

bilko89

As a man, and having seen it before with one of my dad's coworkers and a couple of my friends, gambling was my first thought. As above, ask to see statements etc.. I hope it's not anything else mentioned above!

Aegean

I really hope that by talking together you can work out how best to tackle this debt together and work out a budget that works for both of you.

As somebody with a spending problem myself, I can say that it's really easy to blow a LOT of money in the space of a couple of years, and have nothing much to show for it. Think about this example of my old "weekend", then extrapolate it over three years:

THURSDAY:
It's nearly the weekend!
Thursday lunch (treat): £6
Drinks after work: £30
Food (I'm not cooking if I'm not home): £10

FRIDAY:
It's Friday!
Treats for the office and lunch: £12
Drinks after work: £30
Bottle of wine: £10
Takeaway for two: £18
Beers: £20

ADD £90 train tickets if going "home"

SATURDAY
Breakfast out for two: £15
Shopping: £30
Lunch: £15
Meal out: £20
Drinks: £30
Taxi: £30
Club entry: £15

SUNDAY
Hungover brunch: £10
Takeaway tea/Sunday lunch: £20

This, unfortunately, is only the half of it. I was generous to a fault and lent money to people, I spent loads on clothes, books, DVDs, food, snacks, homeware and useless things like candles.

I also spent other people's money easily too. I know it sounds bad, but if you have no control over your own finances, you have no respect for others' finances either.

The reason I'm telling you this is because I don't think that a secret gambling addiction (or a secret family!) is the only possible reason for this debt. Debt is easy to slip into and once you're there, you hide your statements and you carry on like it's not happening to you.

I got out of my habits (for the most part) through being supported emotionally and being made to be strict through a Debt Management Plan. I became £15k in debt over just 2 years through wilful ignorance, blind generosity and purely living beyond my means. All of these things can be helped and solved

Good luck and I really wish you all the best.