Teenager from Hell

heuchera

Always 2 sides to the story.. this young woman has had to contend with her mother having a life-threatening illness, AND is expected to do well in her A Levels. All this when there's no father around to offer support or guidance.

I'm not excusing selfish behaviour but I think you need to cut her some slack.

Hope your treatment goes well and you make a full recovery.

Janetta

Thanks

Pigpen - I will try this but first I haven't got the energy to call mom ( her nans) or her as it took place yesterday evening. In the event she comes home then yes will try this approach. Thank you - you get it! ( will keep a pillow handy )

Heuchera - I agree , will try ... Thanks

Haven't phoned to see if she's ok just don't know .....

bluenoseam

Jackieboy wrote: »

Whilst obviously your needs as a cancer patient are extreme, you have to remember that most 18 year olds, in the run up to A levels, have their needs taking centre stage in the household. Needs and support work both ways.

I say this from the perspective of having been unfortunate enough to be in the position of being on the bad end of said disease but fortunate enough that I wasn't doing exams when my Dad had it. With all due respects, here's the skinny, exams can be resat, there are also a multitude of support networks in place for pupils going through this sort of situation. If requested the school should put in place the framework to deal with this situation 100%, it's in their best interests & the best interests of the pupil.

Cancer on the other hand, generally doesn't accept resits - it goes wrong there's no do over, period.

Problem is that it's not solely the A-levels being the problem, it sounds like the OP's daughter has a serious case of inability to understand that the centre of the universe is not her. Many people have that very same problem, there is no cure for it, only the hope that some day they'll grow up enough to appreciate that it simply isn't the case. The child has not been asked to do anything outrageous, help out around the house & cover the areas which post-op might not be covered by the OP. Might be me expecting a bit much, but it's not out of the ordinary to expect her to help out a little.

Janetta

Blue no seam - spot on with the situation

Don't know if I should call her now whilst it's all raw or just leave it for a few days????

I love her to death but can't stand walking on egg shells or living in a war zone. Not for her or me.
Lost with it all ... And thanks

TBagpuss

OP, sory you are in this situation - it is very difficult. Do you have access to anyone such as a MacMillan nurse who might be able to sit down and talk to your duaghter? I wonder whether some of it is her acting out from fear or anxiety about your illness? She may feel guilty that she isn't supporting you as uch as you need, and be respoding with anger as a result of that (empotional responses are not logical, and she is probably too young and too emotional to analyse her own feeling too closely)

She might find it helpful to have someone with a little bit of distance who shecan talk to.

Also, is there anyone *you* can talk to?

Would it be possible to invite her to met you somewhere neutral for cofee to talk about how each of you is feeling and how you an move forward? Maybe ask her what she feels it would be reasonable for her to do at home rathe than telling/asking her what you want her to do? I think sometimes for someone of that age speaking to her and offering her input on an adult level can help to diffuse the teenage rebellion reaction.

It may also be that she is feeling stressed either because she eels you are relying on her, or possibly that she feels you are hiding things from her (if you have been putting on a brave face about your worries) - I think it is the sort of situation where anything you've done may be the 'wrong ' thing, butr possibly sitting down and talking to her in a non-confrontational way and asking her about how she feels and what she wants / suggests might help to bring you back together. I think in line with the 'treating her s an adult' it can be very powerful if you are able to acknowledge any faults on your sode - if you start the conversration with something like "I want to apologise for [saying x, shouting at you / as appropriate]. Your behaviour was not OK, but I should not have shouted at you and I am sorry that I did" If she is angy and resentful that you threw her out, ou acknowledging that and admitting that you could have handled it better could make uit easier for her to admit that she wasn't behaving well either, as you've just set her an example of how to address the issue in a mature and respectful way.

I agree with PPs saying that this is probably a phase she is going through, but of course the timing with your medical neds is terrible and makes it much harder for you both.

Janetta

Thanks T - bag puss
Good advice given and will take on board the meet up / try third party intervention....

In the meantime ....

Andypandyboy

Could she be scared and so behaving like this as a cover for her inability to handle emotions?

I know when my kids felt things were beyond their control they sometimes reacted with anger, but it was really an inability to express emotion any other way, if you see what I mean. The ability to control and express emotion comes with maturity.

Aside from your illness which may be the root cause, she is dealing with a lot of other stuff and her emotions will be heightened.

I know it can't be easy for you but perhaps if you can look at it as not being you against her but rather her against herself and her fears and worries for the future?

You need your own support mechanisms and people and I hope that you have them in place as for your own wellbeing you need to gear up for the next stage of treatment. Good luck, the trials of parenting usually come when you need them least!

Rosemary7391

You're both in tricky situations. I know I argued with my mother whilst trying to do A levels (and afterwards!). It might help, once everyone is calm, to sit down together, work out what needs doing/how often together, and then divvy the tasks up together, making sure everyone can cope with what they're responsible for. Sometimes it's little things that cause annoyances - for example, my mother would always ask me to do housework when I was busy, and doing it later wasn't an option - cue argument. I was happy to do it, just not right at that second! Perhaps things like hoovering can be done less often for a couple of months. Is there anyone else who can help with things practically?

blu3sky

Speaking as an ex-moody teenager, it sounds like you're having a really hard time but hang in there!!! When I was doing my A-levels I had a terrible relationship with my Mum and am ashamed of how rudely I treated her :-( Once I started uni our relationship got loads better and now we get on really well so I think it will just take time...


I'm sure you're a wonderful Mum and when she's less stressed out she will act like she appreciates everything you do for her!!


Practical suggestions: Don't give her any advice. I'm sure it's great advice but she doesn't want to hear it at the moment and you will end up feeling hurt when she doesn't listen to you!


Try and find someone else to talk to about your/her feelings- sounds like you have been having a really rough time and need lots of emotional support but she is unable to give you any at the moment. Again, if you keep trying I think you will end up feeling hurt when she doesn't respond well.


Focus on the practical ways that she can support you if she comes back to live at home. Make it clear what chores you expect her to do, but give her some flexibility about when to do them- say that you understand she is under pressure too. And as someone else said, definitely don't try and talk to her when she's studying.


Good luck with your recovery and coping with the moody teenager- it's temporary I promise

Lunar_Eclipse

Janetta wrote: »

I have tried talking to her, setting up chores lists, but the real problem is she wants to live at home but has no interest in what I say advice or feel.

Most of her behaviour is sadly just normal self-centred teenage behaviour. She is probably also extremely stressed and anxious about her A levels and your health, whether she outwardly expresses this or not.

Assuming she left yesterday, I would at least contact her nan to make sure she is physically fine, so that she knows you care about her.

Any other action you take really depends on how you feel about what's happened (regret?) and what you are looking for - i.e. to have her back home or not.

If you think it all got a bit heated and you would like her to come home, contact her to tell her. I think a simple text along the following lines could open communication. This could be completely off the mark (so write something different) in terms of how you're feeling, but also be the adult and consider your outcome objective in mind:

'I'm very sorry for how things turned out yesterday. I should have remained calm and not over reacted, although I wish we didn't fall out over what I consider to be reasonable requests for you to help out around the house, especially with my current health. I appreciate that you deserve days out, especially whilst you are working so hard towards your exams. I'm proud of you (too much?). I'd really like you to come home when you're ready.'