Teenager from Hell

Janetta

Hello to anyone who can advise,

I have a 17 year old with whom I have had to throw out ( gone to live wit my estranged ish mom get on in small doses )
Her behaviour is excellent towards her studies - but rude , obnoxious and selfish towards me only. September she is off to uni.
I will shortly be having my final operation in my cancer journey which requires a little support around the house, we agree what needs to be done - for her to suddenly pipe up she's booked a day out .... Fed up of constant rows, refusal to follow any instructions , tidy up, pop to shop, take advice, listen etc every little thing is battle ....
I feel so guilty and exhausted with it all. She will be 18 in 1 months time, and finishing her A levels.....
Any advice please, ???what would you do next ? I am a single parent ( no input from ex ever )
The reality are she wants a Kardashian life style with me on benefits.
My back story can be found in earlier posts.

please advise, can't believe I did this.
Is there anyone who has gone through this phase ? What did you do? I have tried talking to her, setting up chores lists, but the real problem is she wants to live at home but has no interest in what I say advice or feel.

Thanks for reading don't want to loose her as I know this is a crucial stage for our long term relationship.

thorsoak

1. Who is funding her wanna-be Kardashian desires? You do have to adopt the broken record style "sorry - no money" = and don't back down, however much she nags. I know it's hard and you worry that you'll lose her - but she will come back.

2. Don't ask her to do things - tell her that if they aren't done, then no-one else will. Her laundry? Her problem! Dirty dishes in the sink? No clean ones? Well - eat off a dirty plate!

I'm sorry that you are going through this with her when you are so low yourself - but just hang in there - you wouldn't put up with this behaviour from a colleague at work, or a friend would you? Nor should you from a daughter or son.

It is a phase - I remember when my daughter suddenly turned into thi monster - now we are closer than I could have ever hoped when she was 17 - and I'm consoling her as she goes through it with my DGD - who is as sweet as pie with me but who looks down her nose at her mum.

xx

AnotherJoe

don't want to lose her as I know this is a crucial stage for our long term relationship.

---

I don't think it is. There's nothing magic about 18. Sometimes only age will change things. Or it might be a change of circumstances, gradually, depending how she finds her conditions wherever it is she goes to.
When she goes to uni she'll have to look after herself and if later she house shares, they will have to share chores and she'll get short shrift if she doesn't chip in then, so perhaps a light won't dawn won't hit home til two or three years in.

Do what you need to do for yourself.

kingfisherblue

My daughter went through a stage at around the same age. When she wouldn't wash the dishes, I dumped the washing up bowl (complete with dirty dishes and cold water) on her bed. I didn't clean the bottom of the bowl first, and whilst it was relatively clean, it was also wet......

She learned very quickly from that one. Also having no clean clothes meant a lesson learned. Girls tend to change their clothes two or three times a day at that age.

It's a difficult time, but pick your battles. My daughter was a horrible stranger for nine months, but then came through the other side as a decent young adult, who had the same values and standards that I had brought her up to have.

Good luck with your treatment.

Morglin

Teenagers are devious, rude, lazy and selfish.:eek::eek:

I always say that once teenage hormones come through the door, normal considerate behaviour flies out of the windows!:mad:

However, the good news is that they generally grow out of it, and become lovely adults that you are proud to have reared.:T

Lin

Pollycat

What are the short-term plans?
Is she going to stay with your Mum until she goes to uni in Sept?
Does your Mum spoil her or does your daughter listen to & respect her Gran?
Is your Mum working to get your daughter to see your point of view?
Being spoiled is not going to change her.

On a different subject - ate you managing with the support you need?

Jackieboy

Whilst obviously your needs as a cancer patient are extreme, you have to remember that most 18 year olds, in the run up to A levels, have their needs taking centre stage in the household. Needs and support work both ways.

fairy_lights

Janetta wrote: »

I have a 17 year old with whom I have had to throw out ( gone to live wit my estranged ish mom get on in small doses )
Her behaviour is excellent towards her studies - but rude , obnoxious and selfish towards me only. September she is off to uni.
I will shortly be having my final operation in my cancer journey which requires a little support around the house, we agree what needs to be done - for her to suddenly pipe up she's booked a day out ....

I don't think she sounds like the teenager from hell at all, unless there's a lot more to it than you're telling us.
Not doing the housework sounds like pretty typical selfish teenage behaviour, and I don't think you can begrudge her for wanting a day out.
Also if you've thrown her out then she might well think that you're the mother from hell.

bebewoo

You're probably just both really stressed out, you with your illness, her with the A levels.

Janetta

Thanks for your responses

Thorsoak - you understand completely & I hope this phase passes soon, it's tiring for us both.

Another Joe - thanks for your response I just can't focus and worried sick.

Kingfisher blue - " pick my battles" yes could try that and hopefully this phase will last.

Morglin - I want this phase to pass

Jacki boy - yes I agree
Fairy lights - yes
Prolly cat - unsure

My mother is elderly no sky, wifi, or car
My daughter respects her nan, knowing that nanny will always allow her to stay over anytime. Realities are she has to come back home / or whatever I really am fried with it all.
At the same time she won't tell nanny everything as she doesn't want her to worry ( good like that to others ) as I only get with mom in small doeses she will fully support my daughter.
I really don't know what to do next and that's the truth.

pigpen

I would do nothing .. not a single thing for her. .. no washing, no cooking, no money, nothing.. anything she wants she works for.. I stopped doing my 18 y/o's washing about a year ago, I don't cook her meals unless she asks in advance, BUT .. anything I ask of her she will at least now do.. for example, she got up this morning to look after my 4 year old while I took the 5 year old to school despite being at work until silly o'clock and not having to be in college until 1pm.

She gets £10 a week for a weekly bus ticket and that is it. Anything else she earns herself.. she actually loves her job and regularly works extra shifts.

Now.. getting her to college is another matter entirely!!!!


She is only a product of your making.. try to maintain a civil tone even when you want to beat her to death with a pillow! try to keep open the lines of communication.. you may only get grunts in response at first. Do things which make you both laugh and make you both happy.. even if it is just being silly about a strange local character or poking fun at others.. or yourselves!! Nothing wrong with facing your own flaws.

If you are both walking around with chips on your shoulders and a face like a babboons behind you aren't going to have a good day.. treat each day as a clean slate.. no grudges because the pots didn't get washed yesterday.. its only stuff!!

She is probably worried sick about you and you are probably scared and worried and instead of facing it all together you are pushing each other away, that is not helpful.

She may of course just be a little cow and actually need that pillow beating!!

You have to both want change.. there are family mediation places out there who could possibly offer help and guidance in repairing your relationship.