What do you do when siblings detest each other?

heuchera

swingaloo wrote: »

One example form a couple of weeks ago- They went to bed and both were told lights out was 10pm, tv off, x--box off etc. At 11 she could hear her son talking to one of his friends (he wears headphones and communicates with mates whilst playing a game) She went into the room and told him to switch off so he kicked off as his mate was still playing. She ended up literally wrestling the controller from him and took the headphones to her room. She disconnected the internet, told him lights out and get to sleep. It was a school night and she works full time so they are all up early. At 3.15 she woke again and heard music playing, went into his room and he was under the duvet with a portable DVD player on. Trying to take that from him resulted in him having an almighty tantrum and waking the daughter, hence more bedlam.

Its a constant battle of wills.

She could do what this lady did and have a no-screens rule.. for 6 months!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvWY9oFqVDY

She didn't do it because the kids were fighting, but the effects were still very positive.

Savvy_Sue

swingaloo wrote: »

Ive taken each one out separately and talked to them about how much their behaviour is upsetting mum and how its making their home a very uncomfortable place for all of them. Both seem to listen but neither will accept any fault, its always the other one causing problems.

You don't do it on a 'fault' basis. Acknowledge that neither of them can change the other, only themselves and how they react to the other.

One thing I used to make clear to my lads was that if one of them didn't do as they were told, it wasn't anyone's job but mine to deal with. So when they were old enough to be left alone for a short while, if the youngest didn't do as his older brother said, it could be just left. Eldest wouldn't be in trouble for youngest not doing as he should: youngest would be in trouble. But if eldest decided that because youngest was doing something he shouldn't, then it was OK for him to do it too, they would both be in trouble.

I don't know if that helps at all ... I agree outside help may be needed!

meritaten

I see where you are coming from OP - BUT - if neither child has respect for her enough to listen to her and obey her wishes - then she has lost control a long time ago.
its no dam good wrestling a child to have the 'games controller'. I would have unplugged the whole thing and taken the power cable away with me.
and to wait hours after they were told 'lights out and no games etc'? no - I would give ten MINUTES!
I get the distinct impression that these kids have had very inconsistent discipline. rules are set and sometimes mum lets infringements go rather than deal with a tantrum at the time. then decides enough is enough and a behaviour they have previously got away with gets punished (and to a child THIS is unfair).
and getting into screaming matches with kids of this age? NO NO! you say it once, then a warning then you take action. Calmly. easier said than done, but it gets easier with practice!
(btw - I had a VERY challenging child with two older siblings who watched how he was dealt with like hawks - I HAD to be even-handed, while dealing with someone who often couldn't help his behaviour).
I know a suggestion of parenting classes could be taken as criticism - but, perhaps if you could find some for 'challenging children' she may take it better?

She does need help - but its not too late!

Rain_Shadow

swingaloo wrote: »

Since they were both toddlers they have fought like cat and dog but instead of things improving as they get older the opposite is happening. They simply cannot be in the same room and neither of them ever miss a chance to wind the other up. Its not just now and then, its every single day.

.

They haven't got older yet .


They are just getting into their stride.


Mine are now 19 and 21 and were always at each other's throats until the first one went to university. Now they get on really well.

duchy

OP Whilst you are a loyal friend and that is admirable your friend has simply lost control- her kids are doing exactly what they like and don't care if she doesn't like what they do or not.

The fact they are not antisocial at school proves it is chosen behaviour and not that they are incapable of normal behaviour.

Yes siblings fight-it's normal - but treating her as someone whose opinions don't matter is something else.

I really think she could do with some outside help too- Most areas have parenting classes for parents of teens.

KxMx

I also would look at the length of punishments because clearly they are getting stuff back and reverting to type.

Maybe a ban with no end and no devices returned might have an effect?