What do you do when siblings detest each other?

Pollycat

Candles_by_Lisa wrote: »

That sounds exactly like my younger brother and me. We were close when young but teenage years was when the hate started. We still can't stand each other and can't be in the same room, I just have to look at him and I want to smash him in the face!! I am 47 and he is 45. A few years ago he did come up to our house and we did end up getting into a proper fist fight I know I would probably come of the worst but I didn't care.

My mum had a terrible time, in the back of the car mum hes got more of the seat than me, I used to breath over his food as I knew he hated it and wouldn't eat his dinner oh god we were and still are vile to each other.

How did your parents deal with it?

Candles_by_Lisa

Pollycat wrote: »

How did your parents deal with it?

My dad worked away a lot but when he came back he just had to look at us and we would stop. Unfortunately my mum who had us most of the time didn't get the same treatment. I think she ended up completely ignoring us and letting us get on with it.

Pollycat

Candles_by_Lisa wrote: »

My dad worked away a lot but when he came back he just had to look at us and we would stop. Unfortunately my mum who had us most of the time didn't get the same treatment. I think she ended up completely ignoring us and letting us get on with it.

I empathise with you (see my post #19), although our dislike of each other only became physical a couple of times.
Like another poster, we kept out of each other's way as much as possible.

It sounds like a 'respect' thing. One parent can take control, the other can't.
These kids clearly don't respect their Mum.

paddy's_mum

On a lighter note, I often think it's a great pity that it's against the law to put brats into a secure kennel for a couple of hours as you do when your dog misbehaves ....

heuchera

Candles_by_Lisa wrote: »

My dad worked away a lot but when he came back he just had to look at us and we would stop.

Exactly. This boy needs a father figure. He knows he can do as he likes because there's no-one there to stop him. The single mum is at her wits end trying to control them both and is failing miserably.

DKLS

Pick your favourite to stay and tell the dad to pick up the other one.

pigpen

You don't let it get to that point in the first place!!!!

They have a dad who has, in effect, abandoned them and a mum who ignores them as much as possible and lets them do as they please to avoid confrontation.. that's not going to end well for anyone.

She needs outside intervention, family counselling sessions, parenting guidance.. or a shotgun

She is clearly not prepared to deal with this herself so either you ring SS and they will force the issue (though if she says no there is nothing they can do) or you just ignore it too.

GlasweJen

I have 4 siblings, any child we have will be the only one.

My younger brother was wild, he used to run about with belts and would completely ignore mum. All fights turned violent really quickly and he would beat up myself and my sisters.

These days we don't really hear from younger brother, he's at uni and an active campaigner for YES. He's half decent if your avoid the topics of childhood, mum, politics, immigration, the BBC, the news in general and the referendum.

swingaloo

meritaten wrote: »

to me this sounds like she has trouble disciplining each child.
they don't listen to her
they wont stop when she tells them to
It comes down to her.
and to be honest this should have been sorted out years ago. She has lost control over them.
They have their own rooms so they should have privacy in those rooms - bursting into them is a NONO! that should be punished.
Physical abuse - that's a NONO too - punishment.
Whether its banning them from TV or Computer or withholding pocket money there should be a punishment for not obeying mum.
because I think this is what is at the root of this problem.
going into her bedroom and ignoring them is NOT the answer - that's abdicating responsibility.
She needs to set them ground rules and dam well stick to them. with the punishments for breaking them.

I agree with everything you have put. I think I probably need to explain that the mum does not walk away and abdicate responsibility, its just that she has said to me that there are times she feels she could gladly 'swing for them' and at times she has walked away as screaming at them when they are screaming is counter productive.

She lays down ground rules but neither of them stick to them. The eldest is the worst and if she says he is grounded will just walk out of the house which then the younger one follows suit.

I cant tell you how many times the tv, x-box, I pad has been confiscated (even left t our house so they cannot access it)
there are no 'treats' of any kind bought when they are misbehaving, no spending money given etc but nothing seems to have effect. I think the attitude is 'You cant make me!!!'

I have seen this for a long time with her, they have always been very strong willed kids and as youngsters when I used to babysit were completely differently behaved for me. Its been an ongoing situation and of course he older they have got the worse it has become, as small children she could take hold of them and literally take them to their rooms but now both are bigger than her and are playing on that.

Ive taken each one out separately and talked to them about how much their behaviour is upsetting mum and how its making their home a very uncomfortable place for all of them. Both seem to listen but neither will accept any fault, its always the other one causing problems.

One example form a couple of weeks ago- They went to bed and both were told lights out was 10pm, tv off, x--box off etc. At 11 she could hear her son talking to one of his friends (he wears headphones and communicates with mates whilst playing a game) She went into the room and told him to switch off so he kicked off as his mate was still playing. She ended up literally wrestling the controller from him and took the headphones to her room. She disconnected the internet, told him lights out and get to sleep. It was a school night and she works full time so they are all up early. At 3.15 she woke again and heard music playing, went into his room and he was under the duvet with a portable DVD player on. Trying to take that from him resulted in him having an almighty tantrum and waking the daughter, hence more bedlam.

Its a constant battle of wills.

swingaloo

pigpen wrote: »

You don't let it get to that point in the first place!!!!

They have a dad who has, in effect, abandoned them and a mum who ignores them as much as possible and lets them do as they please to avoid confrontation.. that's not going to end well for anyone.

She needs outside intervention, family counselling sessions, parenting guidance.. or a shotgun

She is clearly not prepared to deal with this herself so either you ring SS and they will force the issue (though if she says no there is nothing they can do) or you just ignore it too.

Sorry but I have to take exception to that remark as that is not true at all and if I have written something to give that impression then I didnt mean to. She is trying to deal with this herself every day, she does not turn a blind eye to any of it. If she didnt the problem probably wouldn't exist!
Its because she is trying to get them to behave that there are the rows and tantrums. If he wasnt prepared to deal with it herself then there wouldnt be an issue, she could just let them get on with it!