What do you do when siblings detest each other?

duchy

jjj1980 wrote: »

I agree with all the above except the bolded part. Both are old enough to get their own drinks.

It isn't a case of capability- It's a matter of common courtesy.
If I am making myself a cup of coffee- I'll always ask my OH and my son if they want a hot drink too- and they do the same. It's how I was raised - to be considerate.

This pair have apparently were never presented with the expectation that they be considerate of anyone.

lincroft1710

Ray and Dave Davies of The Kinks (71 and 68 respectively) are famous for their sibling rivalry.

ciderwithrosie_2

Me and my siblings were vile, I can't remember any days where we got on and didn't wind each other up or thump each other. I'm ashamed of how we behaved, but we truly couldn't be in the same room, especially when we were all teenagers. I'm surprised we didn't kill each other. My poor Mum and Dad must have been exasperated.

We found once we'd all left home, we got on well and have never had a falling out since. Perhaps they just need some space/time apart too, although that doesn't help much at the moment.

So relieved my own kids have never been like this.

meritaten

to me this sounds like she has trouble disciplining each child.
they don't listen to her
they wont stop when she tells them to
It comes down to her.
and to be honest this should have been sorted out years ago. She has lost control over them.
They have their own rooms so they should have privacy in those rooms - bursting into them is a NONO! that should be punished.
Physical abuse - that's a NONO too - punishment.
Whether its banning them from TV or Computer or withholding pocket money there should be a punishment for not obeying mum.
because I think this is what is at the root of this problem.
going into her bedroom and ignoring them is NOT the answer - that's abdicating responsibility.
She needs to set them ground rules and dam well stick to them. with the punishments for breaking them.

Bennifred

It's probably gone on too long for the mother to be able to sort this out on her own. She needs outside help. If I were in her shoes, I would ask the childrens' schools for help - form tutors to begin with.

*Robin*

Just because Dad has moved abroad with a new family is no reason not to consider sending the boy to live with him.

It's time Dad stepped up!

conradmum

It isn't a matter of referee-ing their fights. The mother shouldn't tolerate this behaviour from either child. She's setting them up for a lifetime of misery if they don't learn how to be civil and respectful towards people they don't like.

SandC

Does mum get involved in who s right and who is wrong? My brother and I fought like cat and dog but both parents would punish us both if they got too sick of the argy bargy..... they couldn't give a hoot who started it!

The thing with us though as we got a bit older (18 months between us), whilst we despised each other, we would stick up for the other if we ever heard anyone dissing them....

Good sign that son is so good at school and around others.

Can't really give any constructive help but to say that the violence should ease and if they don't end up being buddies they will probably be at least civil..... in the sense that in a few years they won't have to live with each other.

kingfisherblue

It sounds as though the mother lost control of her children a long time ago. Hiding away isn't going to improve matters. She's an adult and needs to take responsibility. Her children have no respect for her as a result.

I doubt if she can correct their behaviour without professional help, for herself and for her family. I would suggest a visit to the GP for mum. She can ask for referral to family therapy. It might not be the answer, but it is a starting point. Things aren't going to change overnight though. After years of bad behaviour, the children are not going to become perfect little angels.

Mum might also benefit from a parenting course, particularly one aimed at dealing with challenging behaviour. She may feel as though she will be judged, but this isn't the case. Instead, she will find others in similar situations, and know that she is not alone. She will have support.

Setting specific rules and sticking to them is important. She needs to be consistent. Giving in and hiding in her bedroom is just making it worse. Neither child will feel supported, and both have developed a massive lack of respect for their mum.

Candles_by_Lisa

That sounds exactly like my younger brother and me. We were close when young but teenage years was when the hate started. We still can't stand each other and can't be in the same room, I just have to look at him and I want to smash him in the face!! I am 47 and he is 45. A few years ago he did come up to our house and we did end up getting into a proper fist fight I know I would probably come of the worst but I didn't care.

My mum had a terrible time, in the back of the car mum hes got more of the seat than me, I used to breath over his food as I knew he hated it and wouldn't eat his dinner oh god we were and still are vile to each other.