What do you do when siblings detest each other?

swingaloo

duchy wrote: »

Sounds like Mum should have nipped this in the bud years ago

Simple house rules
If you are getting yourself a drink you ask Mum and sibling if they want one too- if you aren't prepared to do this - you don't get one either.

If you fight over the TV it goes off or you leave the room

If you wind your sibling up - the internet goes off/your phone gets confiscated/you get grounded.

Sounds like Mum has never taught her two that bad behaviour has consequences - and it's time she did.




Maybe she wants to be their friend rather than their parent - or maybe she wants a bit of peace and quiet

Whilst I agree with you to a degree, she has spent years confiscating toys/ipads/X-Box and grounding them but it has not solved the problem. Believe me these 2 are that stubborn they would do without a drink before they would get the other one.

Now there is the added problem that both kids are actually bigger than mum, she is very tiny and if she tries to ground the boy he will just walk past her and go out, he's actually bordering on bullying the mum now.
She has disconnected the internet, turned the tv off, and telling either of them to leave the room would just be ignored. The problem these days is that consequences are not working
She has always taken privelidges away, grounded them etc but the older they get the harder this becomes to do.
They both virtually ignore what she says, she cant physically hold them down. Neither of them have had spending money for the last few weeks but they dont seem to give a damn. Its not like she has just started to try to control them, its been a battle since they were young. She has never been one to give in for an easy life.

whitewing

Can 1 of them go and live with dad for a month, and then swap over?

swingaloo

I presume if the mum ignores them and doesn't referee them it turns into fisticuffs and fighting?[/QUOTE]

It does, the girl usually ends up crying as the boy is physically stronger. this is what I dont understand, they have not grown up in a home where there has been any type of violence and they are polite lovely children as far as outsiders see.
Both school reportst say what nice kids they are with the boy being described as 'very caring with the younger children'!

swingaloo

whitewing wrote: »

Can 1 of them go and live with dad for a month, and then swap over?

Not an option Im afraid. Dad is remarried and has 3 more children and lives abroad.

heuchera

No father on the scene, I take it?

(sorry, cross-posted I see the dad lives abroad)

MERFE

I fought something rotton with my sister growing up but as we got to the age of these two we kind of learnt to stay out each others way. We aren't close now but can be civil. The more concerning bit here for me is the lack of respect the boy is showing his mum, if he isn't listening to her when he is grounded and is getting physical then they really do need some help. Is there anyone that the boy respects that could have a word with him to explain how unreasonable his behaviour is. I know the girl isn't innocent so maybe someone can also speak to her, thinking someone at the school or a family friend. They behave outside the home so do know how to behave and are just choosing not to at home.

lika_86

Maybe they just don't like each other, they don't have to just because they're related. They should however, be able to coexist in a house together - that should be the aim.

I'd be like Theoretica and set firm ground rules about bedrooms being their own spaces and each has to respect the other's room in order for it to work. If they're arguing about who has to share a sofa with their mum then neither gets their own and both can go and spend the evening in their rooms.

Pollycat

I'm over 60 and disliked my sibling who is 4 years younger from the age of probably 11.
We have spent more of our adult life not speaking than speaking.
Currently, it's probably 3 years since we last spoke and I'd prefer to keep it that way.

The saying 'you can choose your friends but not your family' is true.

heuchera

I actually kind of feel sorry for them, in that they can't stand the sight of one another, yet through no fault of their own they have to live together. It would help if there was a father around, to discipline the boy, who knows his mum can't do anything if push comes to shove (literally).

I don't know what to suggest, other than supernanny (does she give advice for older kids?). It's going to be very difficult to undo a decade of ill feeling and bad behaviour.

Brighton_belle

I think when the loathing is this bad and so prolonged, only professional help can make any difference: something like family therapy.
I don't actually know how you go about getting this sort of referral (though self referral if you can pay yourself is probably not difficult) but here's the institute of family therapy website as a starting point.
http://www.ift.org.uk/