What do you do when siblings detest each other?

swingaloo

Im really concerned about a family member. She is a divorced mum with 2 children of 14 and 12. One boy and one girl.

Since they were both toddlers they have fought like cat and dog but instead of things improving as they get older the opposite is happening. They simply cannot be in the same room and neither of them ever miss a chance to wind the other up. Its not just now and then, its every single day.

As young children it was everything from whos turn it was to be in the front of the car, who had the biggest drink etc.

To this day even going to the cinema they will argue over who sits where. At home its who is having a couch to themselves and who has to share with mum. One will get a drink from the fridge but will not bring the other one, deliberately stay in the bathroom when the other is pressed for time and neither can pass the other without nipping or pushing the other even at the age they are now.

Every day is a constant battle. Separately they are well behaved and both do really well at school although they go to different high schools as 'Im not going where he goes' and 'She had better not come to my school'.
They have been like this as long as I can remember and just an hour in their house is like being in a war zone. They argue for the sake of arguing over the most ridiculous things, will deliberately sabotage the others plans and just really seem to enjoy making life unpleasant for the other.

But the person Im really worried about is the mum, she is at her wits end constantly trying to referee. Ive spoken to both of them and told them that they are going to make their mum ill but all I get back is 'Well, I hate her/him'.

Both have the same upbringing and get the same spent on them, one dosnt get favoured more than the other. Its not just light hearted banter, they seriously do not like each other and its getting to the point I think one of then is going to go too far.
Its just maddness.

pelirocco

sounds like normal family life to me ! I believe I alternated between wishing I could drive into a brick wall ( with all the kids in the back ) to running away from home . My lot drove me mad but my nephews and nieces were worse , they would take lumps out of each other , yet now they are best of friends .

Easier said then done , but best leave them to their own devices , after hiding all sharp objects . I always wanted one of those magnetic knife blocks but thought it best to keep the knives in a drawer

Sorry not a lot of help am I

Spendless

My two are doing pretty much this, boy of 15 and girl of 12 though not as bad as you're describing. Mine attend the same school and there was never any question of them not doing. Eldest winds the youngest up and she reacts by shrieking. It started about a year or so ago and is worse on the days DH works away. Prior to this they were very friendly with each other. I haven't got any answers, I'm still trying to work through it myself so will be watching replies with interest. My only sibling is 7 years younger than me so it's not something I've experienced before.

RAS

A couple of suggestions.
One get hold of http://www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094

I would suggest that they are both getting attention by being vile to each other?

Do they ever make up? We get outbursts followed by periods of sharing and support.

Jagraf

I used to argue with my brother like this. I would say its natural, although it can be a shock to the parents! I remember my ex sister in law saying how lucky she was to have two children so close in age as they will be there for each other, but they went on to lead individual lives and both are happy in their own right but have nothing at all in common.

They will either work it out or they won't. As for the mum, she is in charge of the rules as opposed to trying to make them like each other. Perhaps rather than grouping them as siblings she should desl with each of them independently as they are different ages.

Maybe when one goes to uni it will be easier

swingaloo

Thank you for the replies. I know its normal to have sibling rivalry but in this case it seems to be morn than the norm. I have a sister with 2 children very similar ages and they argue but not all the time and not as nastily. Its been all their lives, not an intermittent thing.

Ive said 'Let them get on with it' 'ignore it, dont react' 'dont get drawn in' etc but nothing seems to make a difference.

Just as an example- The other night they were going up to bed. The girl shouted up to her mum 'Dont come in, Im getting undressed' so of course the boy then starts pushing her door and winding her up. Girl gets hysterical and starts screaming. Boy goes into his room and so girl then comes out an goes into boys room and takes his tv remote and throws it down the stairs. Boy then gets girl by arm and pulls her to top of stairs where he tries to push her down.
Its madness. mum has tried just locking herself in her bedroom and ignoring it but it will carry on for an hour or more and each one i turn will bang on her door and try to get her support. Its got to the stage where she is now screaming at them which is counter productive a its what she is trying to stop them from doing.
They are terrible it cant be a nice way for them to live let alone the mum.

swingaloo

RAS wrote: »

A couple of suggestions.
One get hold of http://www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094

I would suggest that they are both getting attention by being vile to each other?

Do they ever make up? We get outbursts followed by periods of sharing and support.

Thank you , will have a read at that. Mum has tried allsorts. Spending time with each one separately, taking them out together although now it at the stage where the eldest (the boy) refuses to go out on any family outings.
They never make up, Ive never known either of them say a nice thing about the other. I once said to the boy 'If anyone threatened to hurt your sister you would be the first to defend her'. To which he replied 'No, she would probably have deserved it'. In fact on one occasion when he saw some girls arguing and pushing his sister he just walked on and pretended he didnt know her.

duchy

Sounds like Mum should have nipped this in the bud years ago

Simple house rules
If you are getting yourself a drink you ask Mum and sibling if they want one too- if you aren't prepared to do this - you don't get one either.

If you fight over the TV it goes off or you leave the room

If you wind your sibling up - the internet goes off/your phone gets confiscated/you get grounded.

Sounds like Mum has never taught her two that bad behaviour has consequences - and it's time she did.

Maybe she wants to be their friend rather than their parent - or maybe she wants a bit of peace and quiet

theoretica

How about a rule they never go into the other's room? Give them each a retreat.

heuchera

swingaloo wrote: »

Im really concerned about a family member. She is a divorced mum with 2 children of 14 and 12. One boy and one girl.

Since they were both toddlers they have fought like cat and dog but instead of things improving as they get older the opposite is happening. They simply cannot be in the same room and neither of them ever miss a chance to wind the other up. Its not just now and then, its every single day.

As young children it was everything from whos turn it was to be in the front of the car, who had the biggest drink etc.

To this day even going to the cinema they will argue over who sits where. At home its who is having a couch to themselves and who has to share with mum. One will get a drink from the fridge but will not bring the other one, deliberately stay in the bathroom when the other is pressed for time and neither can pass the other without nipping or pushing the other even at the age they are now.

Every day is a constant battle. Separately they are well behaved and both do really well at school although they go to different high schools as 'Im not going where he goes' and 'She had better not come to my school'.
They have been like this as long as I can remember and just an hour in their house is like being in a war zone. They argue for the sake of arguing over the most ridiculous things, will deliberately sabotage the others plans and just really seem to enjoy making life unpleasant for the other.

But the person Im really worried about is the mum, she is at her wits end constantly trying to referee. Ive spoken to both of them and told them that they are going to make their mum ill but all I get back is 'Well, I hate her/him'.

Both have the same upbringing and get the same spent on them, one dosnt get favoured more than the other. Its not just light hearted banter, they seriously do not like each other and its getting to the point I think one of then is going to go too far.
Its just maddness.

Sorry OP but I hope anyone feeling guilty about having an only child, or thinking oh wouldn't it be nice to give our child a little brother/sister reads your post and grasps the reality of having 2 kids close in age, albeit perhaps most siblings aren't quite this bad..

I presume if the mum ignores them and doesn't referee them it turns into fisticuffs and fighting?

jjj1980

duchy wrote: »

Sounds like Mum should have nipped this in the bud years ago

Simple house rules
If you are getting yourself a drink you ask Mum and sibling if they want one too- if you aren't prepared to do this - you don't get one either.

If you fight over the TV it goes off or you leave the room

If you wind your sibling up - the internet goes off/your phone gets confiscated/you get grounded.

Sounds like Mum has never taught her two that bad behaviour has consequences - and it's time she did.

Maybe she wants to be their friend rather than their parent - or maybe she wants a bit of peace and quiet

I agree with all the above except the bolded part. Both are old enough to get their own drinks.