New sibling behaviour issues

Armchair23

1.
Two months in, you're not trying to give the baby to a passing stranger.

2.
You haven't abandoned the three year old in a random ball pond.

3.
You can write whole grammatically correct sentences.

4.
You're doing just great keep it up X

barbiedoll

How lovely to see that every single reply to OP has been supportive and reassuring. It's what this board should be about!

OP, I'm glad that you feel a little bit better after reading the responses here, I can also tell you that you are not alone, I work with new mums and I see this sort of thing every week. I sometimes think that the recommended "preparation" for a new sibling can be counterproductive. A toddler may well look forward to a new brother/sister, only to come home to find a boring, squealing, demanding baby, which is no fun (from their perspective) at all. No wonder they act up. Giving them presents from the baby, "You're a big brother" t-shirts and the rest, really don't mean anything to toddlers who, let's face it, have the attention span of a goldfish. Add a distracted, tired and busy mum and it all starts to fall apart.

All of the advice given here is great, especially the bit about leaving kid(s) with dad. Even if you don't feel that you can leave the baby for too long, simply going up to bed for an hour and letting dad get on with it, will let him know how it is for you. Make sure that you pick a time that includes feeding both of the children, even better if it coincides with your toddler's usual tantrum time . I daresay that you won't sleep a wink but just putting your feet up for a while won't hurt anyone and there are always headphones to drown out the noise!

Everyone always says that it will get better and it really will. Apparently, after my brother was born, I was a real horror for a couple of months. I used to cling onto my dad's leg so that he wouldn't go to work! :rotfl::rotfl: (Me and brother get on fine now!)

enthusiasticsaver

Please also bear in mind that you are probably sleep deprived and still recovering from the birth so emotionally you must be drained. My daughter has recently had her first baby (4 months old today!) and it has brought it back to me in the last few months how much hard work babies are in their first months during the times when I look after her to give my daughter and son in law a break.


You are coping with a toddler and a new baby so that is going to take some adjustment for the whole family. A sling for the baby may help so you have your hands free for your toddler and trying to get some sort of nap routine for DS2 would be good so you have some quiet time for you and DS1 to read a book or watch a tv programme together so you are both resting too may be helpful.


Great idea to get your OH to get more involved with the baby so as you say it is not always you and Ds2 and DS1 need not feel as if he has been firmly removed as your baby. Same goes for grandparents. Even if they are not confident to be left on their own with DS2 they could come and visit and hold the baby or give expressed feed to leave you free to play with DS1 or even take DS2 out for a walk in his pram?

Wilma33

I just wanted to say that 2 months really isn't very long. Especially if you were in hospital for a while with baby. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Things will settle down in time as your toddler gets used to the baby being around and everyone settles into a routine.

jayII

It sounds really, really tough for you. It will pass but it's important to have firm boundaries around hitting /smacking. A simple 'no, we don't hit', followed by a minute or so of time out, if he hits again, should work if you're consistent. I also wouldn't try to reason with a jealous 2-3 year old, just give him clear, calm boundaries, so that he knows what behaviour is and isn't acceptable. Young children manage better if they know exactly what is expected of them.

'Toddler Taming' is a good book, with lots of helpful and supportive strategies for coping with toddlers and young children. It's also full of tongue-in-cheek humour about toddler behaviour, so it's an entertaining and easy read.

Do look after yourself and try to get some 'me time', even if it's only 20 minutes at the end of the day when your partner is responsible for the children. It will really help to have a little time when you're 'off duty'.

TBagpuss

Poor You. As eveyone has said, this is normal and it will pass.

You mention that it gets worse when your partrner comes home and that your son it getting at you while you are holding the baby - perhaps it would be worth passing baby to dad as soon as he gets home? That way, either you can then give your son some 1-to-1 time or he may transfer his jealous reaction to your OH and give him a little more insight into how it is for you!

I also agree that trying to set firm and consistent boundaries is really important - whether this is the 'naughty step' or physically putting him in a diferent room every.single.time he does it.

Could grandparents look after him for some time? Even if it was only an hour or two once or twice a week, it would give you a little bit of respite and he might also enjoy and benefit from having some uninterrupted adult attention.

It's probably no use trying to reason with him when he is in the act of behaving badly, but maybe positive reinforcement might help - lots of praise when he does well, reinforcement and praise when you notice that he has waited / asked nicely - maybe even a star chart or other record of how well he does (for a 3 y.o this probably needs to be daily, rathert than wekely.

Have you spoken to your Health Visitor? She might be able to offer more sugestions (it's also possible that having *her* speak to your son might help - being reprimanded by a stranger mighr make more of an impact than mum doing it, if he acts out during one of her visits.

Kaye1

It is rotten, just keep going.

For me, as soon as there was any smacking, I withdrew all attention.

So- child smack and I would clearly say- 'I don't want to play with you when you smack me. It is not kind' And get up and walk away.

The smacking phase only lasted about two weeks because she realised that as soon as she smacked me, I would walk away into another room.

Any kindness was massively praised- 'oh thank you for helping baby, that's so kind of you,' or 'oh thank you for playing so nicely, I had a lovely time.'

It is hard for them to share you and is totally normal. Please be kind to yourself too. All the best.

xxlouisexx56

I just want to give you a hug and tell you it does get easier.

Ds1 is at a trying age but it will get better.

Xxxxxxxxx

heartbreak_star

Armchair23 wrote: »

1.
Two months in, you're not trying to give the baby to a passing stranger.

2.
You haven't abandoned the three year old in a random ball pond.

3.
You can write whole grammatically correct sentences.

4.
You're doing just great keep it up X

This made me giggle so much

OP, I really hope this phase passes soon. You're obviously a lovely caring mum and definitely not a failure! *hugs*

HBS x

mumps

My eldest was 3 years 2 months when his little brother was born. I had done lots of preparation and he loved his brother and was lovely with him and I had no problems. Midwife and Health Visitor were very unhappy, totally unnatural, he was probably bottling it all up, I must be careful all this pent up hatred would burst out when I was least expecting it and he would probably do the baby serious harm.

Honest to God you can't win. His life's changed, he's cross, he'll get over it.