New sibling behaviour issues

Mrshaworth2b

It's taking me a lot to ask for advice on this because currently I feel like a failure as a mum. Please bear that in mind

I have a nearly 3 year old and a 2 month old. And we're having serious issues with our eldest's behaviour.

Before ds2 was born I read a load of stuff about how to make the transition easy for ds1. So I went and bought a load of things he could do whilst I was feeding, special activities for me and him to do when I had a spare minute, etc.

Ds2 was poorly at birth and we had to stay in hospital, this meant that ds1 spent a lot of time with his grandparents and dad and in all honesty probably got away with behaviour he wouldn't have done before.

From the minute I came home ds1 started smacking me and it's got progressively worse to the point that today when waking from a nap I went to cuddle him and he slapped me round the face then ssat up and screamed in the direction of the sleeping baby to wake him.

I know it's all jealousy and he probably feels he has lost me a little and I totally have sympathy for that. I don't spend much quality time with the baby (I know that doesn't really matter so much at this age) but as soon as I have done feeds, bum change etc I am with ds1 reading books, tickling, playing games. So he is getting attention.

When the baby tries to sleep he goes over to him and jumps about, screams, shouts, anything to disturb him. Even though we say "if he wakes we won't be able to play because we'll have to comfort him"

I'm bearing all the brunt, it's me he smacks, pulls clothes, shouts or screams at. I've tried ignoring the bad behaviour and praising the good, I've tried spending more time with him, I've told him off, I've put him on time out. Im all out of ideas now

I would love nothing more than to be back to how we were before ds2, we were the best of friends, of course he still had his moments of terrible twos but I feel at the moment he is punishing me for having a baby. I feel like I've done a bad thing to him by giving him a sibling.

It's causing issues with my husband because we have different thoughts on how it should be handled. I wish I could be as laid back about it as he is but I don't think he appreciates how hard it is when I'm dealing with the behaviour everyday. By the time he comes back from work I'm jaded with it all and it seems to ramp up even more when he's around. He get's to be the fun parent and I'm left holding the baby, being smacked by my eldest.

Not sure what I expect anyone to say but I just needed to get it down in hope someone will tell me this is normal and it will pass and maybe how best to deal with it. Thank you

System

As time goes on the boys will be competing for mum's attention. I think that's quite normal. You must however make it quite clear to the child that smacking will not be tolerated.

LilElvis

Is it possible that the grandparents could look after the baby for a set time each week so that you can take your oldest out of the house for some one to one time with you, doing something fun?

Mrshaworth2b

LilElvis wrote: »

Is it possible that the grandparents could look after the baby for a set time each week so that you can take your oldest out of the house for some one to one time with you, doing something fun?

No, they don't feel confident enough if he was to cry or need feeding. I was thinking today that maybe on my husbands day off that I should go out with my eldest alone. Thank's for this

suki1964

First off, kudos for posting for help, and secondly, the books don't have all the answers

I can't advise as I've never been a parent. What I would say is stop beating yourself up because life is not text book



I really hope you get some advice from this thread that will encourage you


Good luck x

Bennifred

How very wearing and upsetting for you! I haven't had to deal with this specific problem, despite having three boys, but if it's any comfort - pretty much everything is a "stage" which passes. So hang on in there!

GwylimT

It sounds quite normal, when our son was very young I went into the living room after grabbing a nappy from the bedroom and he was gone! Our daughter had dragged him behind the sofa!

Lots of toddles regress when a new sibling arrives, toileting can also become a problem again.

My wife and I used to alternate days we spent with them, so they both had sole focus with one of us every day.

How much do you get your son involved with day to day care of the baby? Our daughter while hating her brother thought putting nappy cream on him was the best thing ever. She also enjoyed giving him baths, obviously most of the water would end up on the living room floor.

KiKi

Oh, poor you, it must be so stressful when it's meant to be a lovely time! And you're definitely not a bad mum or a failure - you're just having to manage two kids under the age of 4 and that's really tough for anyone.

I'm not a parent, but my niece has just had her second and, like you, did lots of prep and spends lots of time with her eldest. I guess the only things I can suggest:

1) It will eventually pass - it's not going to be like this forever.

2) Is it possible that keeping them so separate (spending time with him OR the baby, even if they're in the same room) may not help - whilst I understand you couldn't necessarily leave him alone with the baby for even a moment at this stage, how about getting him more involved? Ask him to help you, ask him to come up with ideas of what to do with the baby that day, or ask him to do things that make him feel needed and proud.

3) The smacking cannot be tolerated, ever. No matter how jealous he is. That has to be dealt with, forget the shouting for now, deal with the smacking as a priority. If he's allowed to smack you, he could just as easily smack the baby.

4) Why does he disturb the baby? Is it to get him to go away - or did he expect a brother who would be able to play with him and now he's trying to do that? Is he perhaps a bit disappointed compared to what he was expecting?

5) Could you set a reward each day for good behaviour? Get him to choose something he'd like to have / do every day, and if he gets through the morning or afternoon (let's start with half days!!!) without smacking or shouting at the baby then he gets his reward?


Just some thoughts, but I'm sure other mums who've had this will be along soon.

Finally, though, you need to talk to your husband and get him to understand how bad it is - your husband has to back you up on telling him off for smacking, it's not acceptable for him to ignore it.

Really finally: leave the baby and your eldest with your husband for a day. See how well that goes. And take yourself off for a massage and for a coffee and relax. Well done on getting through each day at the moment!

KiKi

goodwithsaving

I haven't been in this situation so cannot advise but I want you to know you're not a failure. Make sure you have time for yourself (hard with small children, I understand) if anything, to remind yourself how amazing it is that you have brought two small people in this world. If it ever gets too much, please speak to someone because sometimes, people focus so much on looking after their children that they forget to look after themselves. Don't beat yourself up x

Bennifred

How very wearing and upsetting for you! I haven't had to deal with this specific problem, despite having three boys, but if it's any comfort - pretty much everything is a "stage" which passes. So hang on in there!

heuchera

He's had mummy all to himself, and now he's got to share her! I think this will pass, OP, as he gets more used to the baby he'll forget about the time when it was just him, and enjoy having a brother. My nephews were much the same, and they're quite close now they're a bit older.