New sibling behaviour issues

enthusiasticsaver

I had two small children with a short age gap and this sounds normal so in no way are you a failure. If the grandparents are not confident in looking after the baby then maybe try and get ds1 more involved and keep stressing he is a big brother now and you need him to help. On your hubbys day off spend some quality time with ds1 and carry on with the praising of good behaviour and ignoring bad. Smacking you of course should not be tolerated so a suitable punishment should be decided on and kept to by both you and OH. He will adjust eventually but it is hard for you and him as he had you all to himself for almost 3 years. By the time my two girls were 3 and 1 1/2 (smaller gap than yours) dd2 was following dd1 around and they got on famously.

KiKi

I meant to add - I agree with what others have said about the shouting. He's pushing for your attention the loudest he can (after all, baby screams and mummy goes running so it'll work for me, too...!?). Continue to praise and reward good behaviour and ignore the bad, except for the smacking.

I hope tomorrow is better for you.
KiKi

DigForVictory

Well done speaking up - the mummy manuals do make it all sound effortless, whereas reality isn't.

They don't mention bonkers o'clock either, about 6.30 pm when everything that can go wrong tends to.

If necessary hand baby to husband, seize elder one & haul him off for a stroll. Make it clear that Even One Smack is Wrong.

If you need to talk to a Health Visitor about this, that is absolutely fine too, & they can be equally clear with husband.

Finally, this too will pass. He's smacking you, not prodding baby's eyeballs. Grandparents & OH Not on the same page - oh yes - but just wait - they Do Come Round with the right leverage. Get what sleep you can, allow yourself at least one takeaway a week (that baby needs you To Survive!) and SuperMum is the fantasy cooked up by baby milk & stuff vendors after your money.

Forgive yourself & do Whatever Works for you!

Armchair23

This sounds pretty familiar to me even if a while back.

Looks like your 3 year old, like mine, hadn't read the manual and didn't want a baby sibling after all. Even with the preparation, gifts, special time and all the rest.

It's not just about him, your partner, you or the baby. You're all having to shift around in your roles and priorities and being tired on top of all this with hormones and hard work is just a mission.

It's going to take a bit of time for all of you to get used to being a family of 4 not 3. And there will be tears before during and after bedtime.

Lots of good advice from other posters, ask for and accept help even if it's less than ideal. Hand the baby over to visitors and have your older son on your lap, let him be a bit of a baby.

And don't worry you aren't doing anything 'wrong' you're all just learning (the hard way) the new world order and it will get easier.

SmlSave

My son started hitting, screaming and spitting shortly after DD arrived so I can safely say your not the only one this happens to, he had me in tears art the bus stop once.

I finally found that being a broken record helped. Whenever he had a tantrum I'd say boys who hit and scream don't get what they want I'd put him in the conservatory to calm down or sometimes restrain him in a hug till he stopped hitting.

It took a fair few months but his behaviour did improve. I found if he was hungry or tired the tantrums would be worse and I got very good at spotting a tantrum coming to be able to divert his attention.

Can you put the baby asleep upstairs so he can't disturb her easily? I'd put a movie on and give a treat (biscuits,crisps) at nap time and if he was quiet while she went down then nap time was 'us' time and we'd go in the garden, paint etc.

One useful thing I read was that when one child is unkind to the other, don't give your attention to the naughty one but ignore and give all your cuddles and attention to the other one.

And praise all good behaviour!

meritaten

I am a parent of three and grandparent of 7. so first - yes this is normal - even if it is a bit extreme. and yes it DOES pass!
PLEASE don't think you are a failure - you are doing everything right.
I would say though, you are right in rewarding good behaviour with treats of your time - but bear in mind that sometimes this will not be possible. it could be why your toddler is deliberately trying to rouse the baby or get attention at those times. Just keep saying calmly 'Mummy has to see to YOUR brother a minute'. I know you are trying hard to foster sibling love - but right now he doesn't have the emotional capacity to share you. he will when he is finally reassured of his place.
He may well have been scared when you 'disappeared' to the hospital place. and not have had enough reassurance that you would come back to him. try talking to him and telling him how much you missed him while you had to go look after his brother so you could bring him home for him.
meanwhile - look after YOURSELF too - and perhaps a day with Daddy minding both children, while you have some retail therapy or a session with the hairdresser will certainly do no harm in my view.

Kynthia

You are not a failure and this happens a lot. It will get better, especially once your baby begins laughing and interacting with him. He will then love to make his little brother laugh and play with him.

Until them I agree with what others have said. Get him involved in looking after DS2 such as fetching nappies, picking the outfit for the day, helping with bathtime, etc. Plus get out and about if you can as the days never seem as bad if you've popped to the park or soft play (I know people that put the baby in a sling to keep mobile and play with their toddler). Finally I think you need a break so try to get some 'me time' for your sake and if the grandparents can't take DS2 then let them take DS1 for a bit as they can do some things with him that you can't at the minute and he might relax when DS2 isn't around. The main thing is that he has a mummy tgat loves him so it will get better.

janed9388

It WILL pass, my two are about the same age gap as yours but we are 6 months further on (currently at 8 month's old and 3 yr 2 months). We did have a some issues early on, perhaps not to the level you are suffering, but they seemed to get left behind a couple of months ago.

Are you BF'ing ?? I found this was the worst time as all my attention was on the baby and no matter what DD1 was up to I was fairly stuck and unable to do much about it. I started expressing and bottle feeding at about 7 or 8 weeks. I managed to express before DD1 got up, when she had her afternoon "nap" (not a lot of sleep for her but she was in her room so I could get a couple of hundred ml out) and after she went to bed and then just before I went to bed. This meant that less time overall was spent feeding baby and DD1 seemed a little less jealous.

We also read "I'm a big sister" practically every day for a while which she seemed to relate to - there is a big brother alternative.

You will get through it, one day at a time - just keep focusing on that.

Mrshaworth2b

Thank you all for your replies you do not know how much you have eased my mind.

You've given me things to try and I have already discussed with husband that ds1 needs to see him do more with ds2 so it's not just seeming like me and ds2 against him and daddy. It's probably why I get punished out of the two of us because I'm always the one holding baby. I've also said that every Sunday I want at least an hour of just me and ds1 to go to the park, for a walk etc. Me and him time.

He helps me pick clothes, he helps me make ds2 smile with his cuddly toy, he helps me by passing me wipes etc.

He's starting nursery this week I'm hoping this will help, he already goes to grandparent's at least one day a week but I find his behaviour is worse when he comes home in the afternoon because he'll have had their 100% attention and then when I can't give it as well he acts up.

It is draining, I have been in tears tonight telling husband that I'm finding it hard day to day. We will get there I know we will, I know it's a phase and I know one day there will be more good days than bad.

Thank you all for saying I'm not a failure, I truly have felt like one and typing it all down tonight took so much because I thought I might be judged so thank you (again ha)

meritaten

OP - you can only do YOUR BEST, as a parent. and you are doing it all right - as other posters have said - your oldest hasn't read the parenting books! neither has the baby. The books make it sound like 'do this and like magic everything will be ok'! even the 'parenting/nanny help' programmes make it sound like there is a 'magic formula'. there isn't.
I will say it again - YOU are doing fine! honestly! it may not feel like it - but you haven't done ANYTHING wrong. Stick at it - the baby is only two months old and it can take a lot longer before the household settles down again. Think back to how having ONE baby disrupted everything for some time.
Take the advice which is right for you. ignore the rest. and please, if you feel overwhelmed or want support - come back and have a moan or rant. and let us know how you are doing!