Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay for my usher's suit?

Boonie21

Hmmm since when does the cost of the a couples wedding plans fall into the hands of their guests? I'd be really peed if It was me and I was told I'd have to pay for the bridesmaid dress they've chose for their wedding. Sounds like they didn't have enough money set aside in the first place if they're getting their guests to pay for the outfits. Whether you'd wear it again as its a suit doesn't matter. If they apologised a bit red faced and asked if you could contribute to the cost then i'd be more inclined to as a friend.

CrazyRed

I had this exact situation with my eldest step-daughter's wedding in November.

The bride and groom had asked me to be an usher and then asked me to attend the suit hire place for a fitting. However, about a week beforehand, SD sent me a FB message to let me know that things were a bit tight (I knew this anyway - young couple, one earner, one child) and could I pay for the hire of my own suit and shoes (£84-odd)?.

They know I'm on a very restricted budget because I'm a full time carer, but still asked the question. Fortunately, I had sufficient available credit on my credit card to meet this cost, so I did - albeit I did feel like other posters here insofaras it was their day and I felt it should be for their account but, not wishing to cause upset and ill-feeling, I ponied up.

To the OP - I feel that, as this is a friend, rather than a relation, your friend should (especially if they're dictating the "look and feel" of the wedding party's attire) meet the cost BUT there is also the other point to consider - their friendship. If you feel that this friendship (and I am presuming this is a close friendship, as you've been asked to be part of the wedding party itself) has been "worth" £120 over the years you've known them, and they are genuinely short of funds and there are no further savings that can be made within their budget then, frankly, over the course of say a ten-year friendship, a one-off cost of £120 is really inconsequential when viewed over this sort of timescale.
However, a short-term friendship, or one that is not particularly 'close' on either side, I'd be highly offended at being asked to pay for my own suit and would refuse outright with the "your day, your account" argument.

rdone

I'm planning my wedding in July and we've said we'll pay for our ushers and best mans suits. I would never be able to go back and ask them to pay for them. If it came to that I'd say they can wear their own suit (I would ask if they had more than one suit to try and co-ordinate best between themselves) and maybe just have the same tie. It would be disappointing but it would be our own fault for not budgeting/asking too many ushers! I do think the bride and groom probably took a long time to come to this decision and probably didn't enjoy speaking to you themselves.
As said above though, if you can afford it and don't mind just do it. But if there is an issue then speak to them calmly and go in with an offer of 50:50.

minicooper272

As others say, if it’s a suit you’ll wear again and it won’t leave you eating porridge for a month, then perhaps it’s worth paying for it. But knowing the cost of a semi-decent everyday suit, I’m guessing £120 is maybe just the cost to hire a very fancy suit for the wedding, in which case I might say I will pay for it in lieu of a wedding gift.


My OH is an usher at a wedding, and we are expected to pay for 4 nights in a hotel (night before the rehearsal, rehearsal night, wedding day, post-wedding day BBQ) costing £500 + the wedding is 400 miles away. The bride-to-be said that we shouldn’t have to give them wedding gifts because of the expense they are putting on us, and I think that if you put it forward to your groom like this, they might come round to your way of thinking.


If my OH wasn't an usher, we'd probably still have to stay for 2-3 nights though, so the cost to us comparable to the cost of your suit!

minicooper272

Another idea is for you to pay for the suit just now, then ask them to be an usher if you get married in the future, and get them to pay for their suit as payback?

gau321

Whilst it may seem a little unfair of the bridal party, weddings are expensive and costs can escalate fast. Just stump up and then enjoy the wedding. You'll be glad you did in the end, as causing a fuss will just create tensions that can run and run.
Good luck.

Mojisola

MSE_Nick wrote: »

A few months ago I tried on a suit for a wedding I'm attending fairly soon - I'll be an usher and the groom told me the cost would be covered by the wedding party. He's just got in touch to say they can no longer afford to cover it and that I'll need to pay the £120 (on top of the stag do and wedding presents).

Mildred04 wrote: »

We made the mistake of paying for the suit and dress after being told there was no money left.

I spent the whole of the wedding furious, seeing all of the money spent on frivolous things that we had essentially paid for by saving them money.

I wouldn't be surprised if there is a lot of money being spent on unnecessary items - as Mildred found out.

If they had enough money at the beginning, it's probably lots of add-on "must haves" that have stretched the budget.

Peirre

If they can't budget for the cost of the wedding, I hope they don't underestimate the cost of the divorce, or will they ask you to contribute to that too?

TBagpuss

I think you would be absolutely fine to go back to him, say that unfortunately it is not in your budget either but that you can:
- withdraw as an ausher and just attend as a guast
- attend as an usher wearing a suit of your own which you already own
- cover the costs, or £xx towards to cost by way of your wedding gift to them
- cover £xx of the cost as an extra gift to them
- offer to pay the money up front on the basis they reimburse you, so they can spread the cost

It is one thing to ask someone to be part of the wedding and to ask them to cover their own costs - if you do that upfront then thay can make an inormaed decision as to whether to accept, and can also have an input into waht is a responable expense, but to drop it on you at the last minute is not OK.

If they have had an emergency which means they cannot afford it then their approach should have been "We're unable to afford this becuaee (groom lost his job / boiler blew up / whatever) - it's too late to cancel the suit - would you be able to help cover the costs? Of course we would not expect a gift as well - and it would be in the context of making cuts elsewhere as well, and as a request, not a demand.

To those saying just suck it up, because otherwise it will cause problems - do you not think it will cause problems if the OP is left felling they have been taken for £120 bythe groom and bride? Why would it be OK for the couple to take advantage fo rthe usher but not for the usher to politely turn down the request

If they are close enough freinds to want you in their wedding, they are close enough for you to say "I love you, but this is not OK, here are some options"

Raaa13

If he's a good mate and you can afford it then what's the point of kicking up a fuss? Pay it and enjoy the day. However, if cash is a little light, tell him. He has had to make cut backs because of funds so why not you? Forget the wedding present for a start, a card will do. I hate it when this happens, they should have done their calculations correctly to begin with and then they (and you) could have avoided this unnecessary mess. Honesty is the best policy. Why should you get yourself into debt for his wedding, and when presumably, he refuses to get himself into debt (or more debt!)? Or, if you're as cynical as me, ask yourself this question: "What would your 'friend' do if the situation was reversed and you asked him to do the same?".