Attitude of OH to debt

clint_S

I have it complete the other way.


We have money in the bank. The wife would rather keep the money in the bank than spend it on anything, and gets upset if anything is bought that she hasn't approved, including a bottle of coke for lunch. We have money in the bank to cover all our debt and would still have a large emergency fund, yet the wife will not clear the debts as it would mean reducing what is in the bank accounts. I've pointed out that the interest on the loans is more than the tiny amount you get now in savings but she keeps her opinion that what if we both got fired, how would be pay the mortgage and bills if we didn't have savings?


We even only put the minimum deposit on a house we recently bought, even though we could easily have gone to 25-30%, since this meant money coming out the saving account. At the end of the day though I know we'll never be behind on the mortgage or bills, and although we don't have the holiday every year or the new car, or even go out much, it's the funny things in people that make you love them.

Sanctioned_Parts_List

Can you unilaterally clear the debts? Or would that result in a lasting relationship with the sofa?

Alienna

Hmmm... in light of the "sexism" posts happening (which as countless others have said, if the posters are female and talking about their partners, it is inevitable!) my post should tip the balance back a little! :T

I've been with my partner for 15 years; I was 18 and he had just turned 25 then. During the first couple of years, I was a naive teenager, who was being offered store cards and credit cards... Bad.

We moved in together in 2003 - but with housemates, so not being completely alone. However, even from then we had a 'shared' approach to money - it was never yours or mine, it was 'ours'. The debts I had (and equally his) became ours. There was never a feeling of I need to borrow £10, it was just have you got £10?

We became debt free two years ago :T:j but still have what I feel is a healthy approach to a couple's finances, as a problem shared is a problem halved!

However, I do admit, if it wasn't for him I'd still be in debt! Life teaches us different things - some things he has already learned, I'm still learning, and in some respects, I feel so lucky!:p One lesson that keeps being regurgitated through my life - both professional and personal is communication!

But if there's a male and female stereotype, we must have swapped genders somewhere... He's better at multitasking, I'm always the one who gets "man flu", :eek: he manages the household stuff - i.e. the budget and is a much better cook than me! This proves it's all down to personality and individualness rather than gender.

TBagpuss

RE; Sexism - there is a post early on (#7, I think) which starts off by saying

A typical response from a man

, and goes on a little further in to say

It sounds like the majority of men at times in that he needs mothering so,

That did come across as very anti-man to me (and I'm a woman) so I can see where Jon B and others were coming from.

the posts which were people taklking about their own individual experiences didn't have the same 'feel' to me as they were not suggesting that this behaviour is becasue of someone's gender or that all men are the same!

mangle101

TBagpuss wrote: »

RE; Sexism - there is a post early on (#7, I think) which starts off by saying , and goes on a little further in to say That did come across as very anti-man to me (and I'm a woman) so I can see where Jon B and others were coming from.

the posts which were people taklking about their own individual experiences didn't have the same 'feel' to me as they were not suggesting that this behaviour is becasue of someone's gender or that all men are the same!

But that particular post was written by myself & the last time I looked I was infact a man.

andyfromotley

Now i am not one to lecture people on financial irresponsibility.........but i would find this intolerable. This isnt the actions of an adult. Its the behaviour of a spoilt irritating child who has an overinflated sense of entitlement. Good grief.

I also think there is probably some power play going on that says 'ha, you cant control me, i;m special' no doubt when the worst happens he will subtly try to shift the blame onto you as after all 'i handed all the finances to her years ago, look what a mess she has made of them'

I find this behaviour appalling and would be much much more demanding or i would find a way to completely seperate us financially, possibly socially too!!

5erge

From a male perspective.

My wife is fantastic with money, never been in debt and always has a healthy amount of savings. I got dragged into debt due to problems getting stung over an engine I has built for my campervan, costs spiraled, then came the job change nursery fees and before you knew it I was 18k in debt.

That was five years ago.

I paid off all my debts, over pay the mortgage, 55k left. I save on a regular basis and even setup an additional savings account for my wife that I pay into on a monthly basis. I'm now at he stage where I drive my wife mad with money savings tips, this from someone that (not that long ago) had their head buried in the sand. I also still drive an embarrassingly cheap car but the main thing is I'm happy and relaxed.

Everyone has their own point of realisation for debt ownership but they have to acknowledge this for themselves, you cannot be told to change your ways, unless of course a bayliff is inside your house wrenching you plasma t.v off the wall!

Des

Playing_with_Fire_2

mangle101 wrote: »

But that particular post was written by myself & the last time I looked I was infact a man.

Being a man doesn't mean that you can't write something that is stereotyping men and offensive to others.

I believe that you are accurately reflecting your recollections of yourself/men you know; but there are loads of considerate, independent, financially astute men out there and you are doing them all a disservice by equating gender or maturity with financial ability. These type of comments also make it more difficult for people like the OP who are in relationships with irresponsible men. By saying the majority of men need mothering at times, it sounds like you are excusing the behaviour and saying it is the OP's responsibility to take care of this mess alone.

debbie_debt

TBagpuss wrote: »

You could also consider having the 'spends' as actual cash - I think for a lot of people, using cards doesn't feel as if you are spending 'real' money.

I think this would actually work well for both of us - physically seeing the cash in your wallet can have a real impact for me. Especially having to let it go when I spend it!

5erge wrote: »

Everyone has their own point of realisation for debt ownership but they have to acknowledge this for themselves, you cannot be told to change your ways

Very true Des - I certainly contributed to the debt early and and am in no way suggesting I'm an angel! But I had a realisation that I couldn't carry on spending on credit cards with no come-back and I think that day has still to come for my OH, and for the OHs of plenty of others by the sounds of it. It'd be nice to think you can nudge that along sometimes though :rotfl:

pennystretcher

I would suggest you give your OH a weekly spending limit no matter what he thinks about it. (A debit card with no overdraft)

Also you should do SOA and see if you can reduce any joint spends to chip away debts.

No offense meant, but this 'I deserve things even though I'm borrowing to pay for them and am in debt' is a very foolish way to look at things. If he doesn't pay attention to something that really concerns you, is this really a healthy relationship? Time to sit down and discuss options I think.. Everyone has their own view on financial matters - personally I hate owing money and hate having a mortgage too...