Attitude of OH to debt

tallyhoh

my OH has been in debt since the early 1970s, I mean significant debt. Bankruptcy, CCJs, the loss of a couple of wives & even a spell at HMP (cashing dud cheques) hasn't changed anything. I first found out he had problems 30 years ago & I thought with a little budgeting it could be sorted.

Oh boy, I was so naive! he actually suffers from a personality disorder which gives him the impression that he is entitled to whatever he feels he deserves, usually with someone else's money.

ReadingTim

tallyhoh wrote: »

my OH has been in debt since the early 1970s, I mean significant debt. Bankruptcy, CCJs, the loss of a couple of wives & even a spell at HMP (cashing dud cheques) hasn't changed anything. I first found out he had problems 30 years ago & I thought with a little budgeting it could be sorted.

Oh boy, I was so naive! he actually suffers from a personality disorder which gives him the impression that he is entitled to whatever he feels he deserves, usually with someone else's money.

Yeah, prisons are full of people with "personality disorders": they're merely banged up because they have 'honesty issues'.

tallyhoh

ReadingTim wrote: »

Yeah, prisons are full of people with "personality disorders": they're merely banged up because they have 'honesty issues'.

that's just a part of it Tim

determined_new_ms

ReadingTim wrote: »

Yeah, prisons are full of people with "personality disorders": they're merely banged up because they have 'honesty issues'.

I hope you didn't mean this to sound so callous? My daughter has a personality disorder. It is a real disorder that is unbelieveable debilitating if not getting the right treatment. One of the many aspects of her disorder is impulsivity which means she can spend all of her money in a moment on impulse and then has to deal with the emotional fallout. Yes prisons are full of people with pds but that a sad fact of a failure mental health service in our society

tallyhoh

Perhaps I should further explain Tim that his "dishonesty" was cashing credit cards cheques that he had no means of repaying. We all do it now, buy things on credit cards without the means of paying it back but these days we don't get sent to prison for it.

As I said, this was just a part of it.

enthusiasticsaver

debbie_debt wrote: »

Thankfully, he just sulks, but this did make me chuckle pennies from heaven :rotfl:

I've tried laying it all out for him - mentioned bankruptcy etc but he just denies it'll ever get that bad, makes a joke out of it (he's a very jokey sarcastic type of bloke!) and tries to change the subject.

I'm tempted to give him a budget for stupid spending, like his coffees/lunches/going out with his friends, but I know he'd think I was treating him like a child. But if you behave like one... :rotfl:

Actually many years ago when money was very tight (we were never in debt due to my paranoia about it) that is exactly what I did with my OH after yet another cash withdrawal from the machine meant there was nothing in our account to pay a direct debit the following week. I reasoned with him if he could not think ahead and consider these things then the only way I could budget was for us both to be allowed one cash withdrawal each per week for a relatively small amount for pocket money. It is not treating him like a child it is making him and you live within a budget. Point out the amount of spare money you will have when you are debt free and no longer having to pay these debts off. To be honest I would rather live with the sulks than be in a shedload of debt.

hohum

We used YNAB (budgeting software) to get us out of debt and things I found helpful:

- you can only spend money once. Making a budget helps to see that (right in your face!). If you have a budget, use it.
- a further development: you can have anything but not everything. If you make a choice to spend on sandwiches, snacks etc you are by default making a choice to not go on holiday/ go in debt to get yourself on holiday. What we do is to each have our own 'no questions' spending money. In the beginning, if he went over budget I'd get hi to sit down and figure out where the money was going to come from to cover the overspend. Sometimes we compromised, in that he'd cut something I wouldn't, but that's OK. The more he came to understand that the money could only be spent once (so choose wisely!), the better he got at sticking to it.
- get some goals agreed, then devolve responsibility. Get him to give himself an allowance, and give yourself one (after you've covered all the bills, family and other repayments). He sticks to his spends, if he goes over then he has to decide where the spends go.

Kantankrus_Mare

I think having an allowance each is the way to go.

We used to use credit card for all shopping and petrol but OH being more of a spender than me, would go overboard on the shopping or we would go out for a meal and stick it on the card. he would buy himself some item of clothing etc. etc

I insisted we paid the card off in full each month but it would almost wipe out our current account and we would be left with no spare money.

So......I hatched a plan:

I worked out all our finances and left enough in current account for mortgage, bills etc. Also factored in savings each week to cover insurances and a small holiday pot.

The rest we drew out in cash and I set aside a healthy amount of £140 for food shopping, and some each week for petrol.

This left us with a good amount (Ithink) of £50 each a week to spend on whatever we liked but once it was gone....it was gone.

I also insisted if we had nights/meals out, we would contribute half each from our allowance.

It works!!

No horrible credit card bill once a month and everything is accounted for. I cant moan at him for how he spends his own allowance and vice versa but funnily enough , Im still the one left with surplus at the end of the week. Its the way I am and always will be.

We initially used tesco credit card as it gave us lots of extra points which we made great use of but the peace of mind that our expenses are on an even keel is far more precious.

Have the discussion about seperate allowances depending on what you can afford. Might just be the answer.

I do have to write down the budget for OH and show him what and where everything is going but I like doing it and he lets me get on with it.

Good luck and keep us informed with how its going.

dirtycredit

So among other silly things I did (like writing "You'll never retire" on the front of my credit cards, and sticking a "greetings from the Seychelles, love, Barclaycard" postcard by my computer), having a couple of really nasty mental images was usually enough for me not to spend the money

Amazing tip. Bravo!!

Jon_B_2

Is this thread for real? Some of the presumptuous attitudes to debt and gender are absolutely disgusting.

Debt has nothing to with being a man or a woman. You only have to look at each individual thread to see that it is a problem shared by either sex.

Men don't need mothering, or use pathetic phrases. Seriously. Have a word with yourselves.

FYI OP. I don't know where you live, but a combined income of 52k doesn't get you very far in the South and your debt is 71% of your COMBINED annual income. If that doesn't send alarm bells ringing, I don't know what will.