Attitude of OH to debt

debbie_debt

A bit of advice please everyone!

I'll start with explaining our situation. I've been with my husband for 8 years. We both brought individual debts into the marriage and have since made some very stupid financial decisions, coupled with living beyond our means. This has resulted in significant debt. He's given me complete control over our finances as he freely admits he's terrible with maths and money. Before we got together, he'd keep going to the cash machine and spend it frivolously on having a good time until the machine wouldn't give him any more money.

I try to plan our finances and keep a tight control over direct debits/gas and leccie suppliers/insurance policy deals etc etc and am convinced we're on the cheapest we can be for everything.

HOWEVER my oh has a big issue with feeling deprived and has a deep-seated belief that he "deserves" holidays abroad because he works hard/for the kids, "needs" to have weekends away in hotels etc for the good of our marriage, and regularly changes jobs which often results in the need to buy a new car etc in his line of work. He stops at motorway services for coffees and lunch all the time too, which adds up. I really struggle to get him to see that these things all constitute luxuries that other people who aren't in debt and save should have. He gets really down and quite upset, ending up thinking What's the point? all the time. His despondency turns into arguments and I give in because I don't want to take on the role of nagging wife/mean mum all the time. It's a crappy role to have!!

I've sat him down and shown him how much debt we're in and he just doesn't want to face it. We earn a good wage and he just thinks the debts will sit in the background somewhere and eventually disappear by themselves.

Does anyone else struggle to get through to their OH? Or does anyone struggle to get them to commit to DFW ways? I feel like I'm depriving myself all the time, while he's just living with his head in the sand. He's honestly not a selfish person - we have a great marriage otherwise - but he's just taking it seriously :mad:

If anyone's succeeded in getting through to a resistant oh then any advice would be great! Thank you!

chester81

I sometimes get frustrated with my wife when she arrives home with carrier bags from clothes shopping etc. I definitely worry more about our debts than she does. In her defence, I do take it up on myself to deal with the finances so she is shielded from it to some degree.

Our debts are huge - we owed 40K when we started our journey a few months ago. May I ask what your debt level is?

debbie_debt

chester81 wrote: »

Our debts are huge - we owed 40K when we started our journey a few months ago. May I ask what your debt level is?

Similar to yours at the moment - £37k:eek: but we are getting around a £20k windfall this month that will be getting paid straight off the debts, so I expect it to be around £17k by the end of this month. Combined income is around £52k (slightly variable). Could be worse, but could be soooooo much better!

pennies_from_Heaven

My oh used to be similar. It's very difficult, but I found the thing that hit home was adding up what was spent on each extravagance in one month (with proof of course I.e bank statements), writing it down, then the same for 6 months say, then over a year. Then what you could do with that money, after it has cleared the debt.
Also harsh but I stated clearly what would happen if we were to carry on the way we have been (ie bancruptcy, losing everything etc). We also earn good money between us, I have compromised and said if we work hard all 2016, we may be able to afford a small holiday in 2017, as long as the plan is stuck to.
I realised that he is also an adult, and I don't want another child who blames me for everything, strops and door slams! 😃

debbie_debt

pennies_from_Heaven wrote: »

I realised that he is also an adult, and I don't want another child who blames me for everything, strops and door slams! 😃

Thankfully, he just sulks, but this did make me chuckle pennies from heaven :rotfl:

I've tried laying it all out for him - mentioned bankruptcy etc but he just denies it'll ever get that bad, makes a joke out of it (he's a very jokey sarcastic type of bloke!) and tries to change the subject.

I'm tempted to give him a budget for stupid spending, like his coffees/lunches/going out with his friends, but I know he'd think I was treating him like a child. But if you behave like one... :rotfl:

pennies_from_Heaven

[/QUOTE] I'm tempted to give him a budget for stupid spending, like his coffees/lunches/going out with his friends, but I know he'd think I was treating him like a child. But if you behave like one... :rotfl:[/QUOTE]

I agree! I thought about handing control over to my oh to sort out, but have a sneaking suspicion his answer would be value pot noodles and squash for a year, and I mean just those two items as our staple diet! (And I don't buy finest everything!) :rotfl:

mangle101

A typical response from a man 'terrible with maths and money' an easy way out of taking responsibility & letting someone else sort the issue out whilst still getting what you want. I think it's time to tell your OH the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth, it sounds like the majority of men at times in that he needs mothering so, sit him down & in plain simple terms tell him the extent of the situation & that if his spending continues at its current rate it will only get drastically worse & whilst the sun is shining with regards to current income its time to make some hay, with so much job uncertainty nowadays what would happen if he lost his job? Tell him to act his age not his shoe size & realise as a responsible adult with a wife & family he has to toe the party line, pull his head out of his sand pit & take some responsibility in helping you to reduce the debts by cutting back on his spending. You as the woman of the house 'deserves' to have the man you married & not another child.

luhrmann

i'm struggling with a similar situation. i don't have any long term debt but my OH does, and even after he confessed to everything i don't think he's really completely faced it. his sister has helped him clear some of it, and worked out a budget with him (i'm pretty hurt that he wouldn't listen to me and only her but i suppose i'm just glad he listened to someone) but he still really struggles to manage his money.

i don't want to be the horrible woman that says you can't go out this weekend because you don't have the money, or resent the fact he still owes me and his sister money, but he is accustomed to a lifestyle and doesn't seem to realise the money he earns doesn't always cover this. i know he thinks i'm the nagging shrew, and i just don't understand because i earn more than he does.

but at the end of the day, debt is NOT going away. eventually they will have to own up to it, whether it's now or a year or five down the road when they have people coming to the door to collect what they owe. and for your own sanity, i think you can only do so much before it's hitting your head against a wall!

i think what you have to communicate in a healthy way is how it makes YOU feel. you have a marriage which is two people, not just him - i know you said he's not a selfish person but i also think maybe he's not seeing the sacrifices you're making? while he's not cutting back, it's on you to make all the cutbacks needed and that isn't fair. try telling him that. you should be battling the debt together and whatever little treats you can have should be for both of you. nobody is going to care if he doesn't have the latest car or shoes or holiday. or at least not people that matter!

Sanctioned_Parts_List

Even though I'm fully involved with all the budgets, and I want the debts gone, and I want a big pot of money and I want to retire sometime before I'm too old to enjoy it, I also really want a new {kitchen|bathroom|extension|computer|car|etc}. And I'm hungry and neither of us wants to cook, so let's just {go out|get a pizza}. And I work so hard and we deserve a treat. :beer:

I keep a few mental images in mind that fell out of our calculations when going through the ruins of our finances a couple of years ago.

The first was that just one CC company took enough from me in interest (about £2500) to pay for a Really Good Holiday every year. That's my bank manager sipping mojitos on the beach. On holiday. On MY holiday. My bank manager... On. My. Holiday. :mad::mad::mad::mad:

The second was that sandwich - that £4.50 one with the really good crispy bacon? On my credit card (that was funding my bank manager's holiday), by the time I paid the balance down so that that single transaction got taken off (about 20 years at that time)... would have cost me about £120. :eek:

So among other silly things I did (like writing "You'll never retire" on the front of my credit cards, and sticking a "greetings from the Seychelles, love, Barclaycard" postcard by my computer), having a couple of really nasty mental images was usually enough for me not to spend the money.

So the point of my rather rambling message is that just saying "you can't do that" doesn't work for some people, but kicking their greedy and selfish side (everyone has one) just might.

PaceThePixie

I can understand your frustration.

My husband and I have been married 4 years. Just less than 4 weeks ago I found out he owes £48k!! He has been on a DMP with a really bad company who charge him a fee for their services and pay such stupidly low payments to the creditors.

He earns good money and I had been "nagging" him for four years to put just £10 per month to one side JIC (jus in case). He never did until I found out his full debt issue!! He had been letting it trickle along and not really doing anything to sort it out to clear it.

Now I am not perfect with money myself, I too got into a lot of debt 12 years ago but I have now sorted mine out. I do currently owe £2500 on a c/c which is bad I know but I am clearing it monthly and no longer use it.

IMHO men are far more stubborn than women!! Heads in sand etc. We have had strong words here in our household but I think it finally hit home when I wrote a HUGE budget and pinned it to the fridge! Shock and awe. It must be difficult with children in the household. We don't have any. You have to do what is right for the household to. I am not being much help but you're not alone in any of this.

We are here to listen. I have found peoples advice and thank yous quite comforting on here.

Hugs

Playing_with_Fire_2

I think the OP needs to look again at the arrangement. The SO hasn't 'given you complete control' if he's still spending money like water. He's given you the problem but with no power to deal with it. This is why you have feelings of being nagging or mean. It's not fair or reasonable.

I think the SO needs to grow up and stop being childish about not getting treats that can't be afforded. Re the weekends away - if you have a great relationship in general, you don't need this. Yes it is great to spend time together, but it is the time not the money that is valuable.

Either you work together and agree spending as a team, or the SO gets a cash allowance for his spending, cards cut up and when it's gone it's gone. The SO can choose to behave like an adult or a child and get treated appropriately.