Attitude of OH to debt

Ellieseleven

I'm in my 6th year of a DMP and my OH has taken no interest whatsoever, it's an easy cop out to say "you're better at budgeting than me". This has been my story throughout my DMP.


My OH only works during the Spring/Summer and smokes and drinks daily. To say he is a drain is an understatement:eek:


I used to cut back on my spending whilst he carried on spending my money without a care. Eventually, I had to say "No more" and I laid out our situation and didn't spare him anything. I stopped providing money for cigarettes and he now smokes tobacco but any money he does have goes straight on booze (he has a problem but won't accept it). I tell him what our budget for the month is and I don't deviate from that, it's like giving a child spends but those spends have been cut drastically.


He still sulks about lack of money but if he won't even try to get a job, why should I worry? I carry on regardless lugging him along with me (for now):o


I've had to explain our situation over and over to try to get through. I've made some headway but it's taken a long time:(


Ellie x

determined_new_ms

On a practical level you could look at buying some extra special sandwich ingredients and making him (or getting him to make it but might be easier to start with to just do it!) a deli sandwich each day. I definitely find having nothing delish in the house is a sure fire way to send me to the takeaway shops! Also buying some nice coffee and a flask may help.

I sometimes buy a sandwich at the farmers market - this is a stall set up just for sandwiches, they are amazing but are £6 a pop! But then I replicate it at home, good bread, good ingredients and feels very decadent.

I know it's only a drop in the ocean but maybe baby steps will add up to the bigger change you're wanting to see x

Lou85

Hi Everyone,

It's interesting reading everyone's struggles and the lack of support at home is probably why we find this board so helpful.

My OH isn't too bad. He has handed over all financial responsibility for our household stuff to me also but still manages his own personal DDs. I have to admit, I love organising things and I like being in control of the food budget etc but it is quite stressful at times.

What really annoys me is when I ask him to pick up a few things from the supermarket and he comes back with extravagant items, 'treats' and items he could have got cheaper. I don't think I should need to be specific when it comes to shopping as he sees what I buy but maybe I need to be instead of just giving the disapproving look/getting angry!

Sometimes towards the end of the month I feel myself getting annoyed with him and taking it out on him when he starts buying silly things and I'm already stressed about whether we have enough money to eat for the rest of the month. I think I might need to lay out a clear budget for him to make him fully understand. He's not as head in the sand as some of your OH's but still a tad frustrating at times.

I think the main frustration for me is that I had little debt when we got together and he had a lot from a previous marriage. He was very explicit about it when we got together and I understood but I expected him to be a bit more helpful in clearing the debt. Now I'm in debt funding the lifestyle we both want to have. We've both made some headway into clearing it but I feel like he's not as committed as I am. I've had a second job for over 2 years now and his second job came to an end in May and he 'doesn't want' another one and wants me to give up mine!

FBaby

I've sat him down and shown him how much debt we're in and he just doesn't want to face it

Until he does, nothing will change unfortunately. What you need to tell him is that there are two options: doing it his way, and seeing the debt increasing, meaning that at some point, he will have to do with even less than he does now, and if that's the way he wants to go, then he can take on the stress of it. Or, he can accept that he has to work with no rewards, but that will only be temporary until the debt is pay, and as you get close to doing so, you can start make plans about what you can save to enjoy the things he wants to do.

Ultimately, if even after the debt is paid, you can't afford the trips he wants to take, he will need to come up with what else he is prepared to give up. I went through this and was amazed how much I could put aside by stopping getting cash out of the machine and spending it on non necessary things. Ie, do a big shopping, then taking out £20 and spending on on extra food bits that I wanted there and then, to then found having to throw away stuff that I had bought in the big shop.

Pixie5740

This is just a general rule of thumb but I find when talking to men (I work in an office full of men and 1 other woman) that saying, "I think," works better than, "I feel." As in, "I think it would be fairer if we all took our turn emptying the dishwasher."

There's also the demotivator tool on MSE which you could try using with your OH:

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/shopping/demotivator/

If he is buying lunch and coffee every working day then that could equate to the cost of a family holiday.

debbie_debt

Thanks so much for your replies everyone! Good to feel I'm not alone and, as always, lots of pearls of wisdom :beer:

Sanctioned_Parts_List wrote: »

The first was that just one CC company took enough from me in interest (about £2500) to pay for a Really Good Holiday every year. That's my bank manager sipping mojitos on the beach. On holiday. On MY holiday. My bank manager... On. My. Holiday. :mad::mad::mad::mad:

So among other silly things I did (like writing "You'll never retire" on the front of my credit cards, and sticking a "greetings from the Seychelles, love, Barclaycard" postcard by my computer), having a couple of really nasty mental images was usually enough for me not to spend the money.

I LOVE both of these tips - both the way of looking at it (my mojito :rotfl:) and the stupid stuff written on a card. I'm doing these for myself but doing it for him too! I'm texting him a little holiday fantasy then ending it with 'barclaycard are going on this trip at our expense' to see if it hits home. Thank you Sanctioned!

Playing_with_Fire wrote: »

The SO hasn't 'given you complete control' if he's still spending money like water. He's given you the problem but with no power to deal with it. This is why you have feelings of being nagging or mean. It's not fair or reasonable.

You are so right PLaying with Fire. Another way of putting it that will come up in our next chat. Sincere thanks there.

Ellieseleven wrote: »

My OH only works during the Spring/Summer and smokes and drinks daily. To say he is a drain is an understatement

Thankfully he doesn't smoke anymore (giving up was a moneysaving effort on his part), and we both only drink about once every 2 months (ish) on a night out now. He would be out every weekend if we could afford it but I suppose he does listen in that way. But only through fear of nagging I think :mad: Ellie, I wish you the world of luck trying to get your OH to see he's got an issue with alcohol. That's going to be an uphill battle and we're here for you too xxx

another_casualty

No disrespect
dd, but your other half is difficult , self righteous and selfish IMHO .
When you are telling him facts , you are obviously hitching a nerve.
It sounds like part of his makeup / personality . Not good.
I hate it when you're trying to be realistic , and he is never wrong .

I think a can of worms has been opened here, and TBH I don't see a answer unless he takes responsibility and listens .
Unless he does this , and you both take the advice given in here , things will never change.
Best of luck

Bobarella

DD- one thing that leapt out for me was the use of motorway service stations for food and drink. The coffee in those places is around £1.50 more per cup than in in a standard coffee shop. Even if he gave up buying coffee from there that would probably knock a lot off each month.

Sanctioned_Parts_List

debbie_debt wrote: »

I LOVE both of these tips - both the way of looking at it (my mojito :rotfl:) and the stupid stuff written on a card. I'm doing these for myself but doing it for him too! I'm texting him a little holiday fantasy then ending it with 'barclaycard are going on this trip at our expense' to see if it hits home. Thank you Sanctioned!

Hehe comes with no warranty of any kind. It was enough to give me pause is all. Only thing is... I had to change the message every now and again or I'd get used to it and be back to square one.

It just used my own self-righteousness and selfishness (and pig-headed stubbornness, greed and sloth) against me. Not every battle is won by a frontal attack :beer:

LJB290

When I faced my husband with the actual amount of cash per month that he took from the ATM - he was shocked.
When I told him how much we were spending at Tesco each month - he was shocked.
When I told him how much we spent on eating out / takeaways - he almost had a fit.

We made some big changes, put together a budget, cancelled things we didn't need and gave ourselves a rough shopping (food) budget.
We have made real efforts to take our own food to work etc.

We felt really proud of our achievements but in the past 2-3 months things have slipped a bit (what with Xmas and multiple family birthdays etc).
We now need to revisit how it felt to be proud at being thrifty.

Why not put the figures in front of him along with the changes needed and a budget that you suggest and make it a challenge?

Good Luck - and don't forget - its not just your problem - its one that you share and one that you need to sort out together!