Attitude of OH to debt

Jon_B_2

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Should I be offended about chester81's post regarding his wife's shopping? No, of course not. People are just sharing their experiences of dealing with a spendthrift OH as the OP wants advice on how to deal with hers.

How a male might read this could depend on whether he's the spendthrift or if he's the one having to do the parenting. Are you the spendthrift keeping your family in debt Jon B? Is that why this thread is touching a nerve?

Nobody has said debt is a male only problem.

I have no debt (except a mortgage) and I manage the family finances.

It touches a nerve because I spend so long at work standing up for women and the way they become objectivefied by the dinosaur generation and yet, it still seems acceptable in society to treat men in the same way.

Maybe I'm over-reacting. But hey ho.

Pixie5740

I think you're seeing something that isn't there Jon B rather than over reacting.

sugarcube84

Playing_with_Fire wrote: »

I think the OP needs to look again at the arrangement. The SO hasn't 'given you complete control' if he's still spending money like water. He's given you the problem but with no power to deal with it. This is why you have feelings of being nagging or mean. It's not fair or reasonable.

QUOTE]

This!! My dh was exactly the same and we started off with your set up and nothing changed, I was still struggling to stick to budget because he was still popping to the shop at lunch for butties/pop/crisps/choc/pies. It came to a head when he realised his business wasn't working and he had to get a part time job to supplement it and then 12 months later wound the business up and took on another job, it was at this point working 2 jobs that he had his LBM.


What changed at this point was he set up a new bank account and gave me his card for the bank his wages goes into, he now gets an allowance each month, all budgeted for (for petrol and spends) so I now have complete control. We have made a lot of progress in the last 8 months to the tune of paying off about 35% of our debt.

debbie_debt

I really didn't mean for this thread to turn into man-bashing central! I have a lot of love and respect for my husband, and was actually starting to worry that people are thinking I'm complaining about him being selfish or whatever, which I really don't think he is. Just completely in denial. That's not a man thing - just him being him. I just wanted to get some support, see if other people are in the same situation and grab some ideas for how to approach it without being a nagging wife saying 'no' all the time.

I'm liking the idea of splitting up the 'spare' cash we have for spends and having it in individual accounts. At least that way we both know what is actually available for spending and what's needed for other stuff, like DDs/petrol/food shopping etc. At the moment, we have one account for DDs, one for debts, then one for stuff spent on switch card that includes food shopping and petrol along with everyday spending. Time for more bank accounts!!

sugarcube84

I found that the allowance thing worked Debbie because he does have an amount that is free to do with as he pleases, he controls it, whether that is coffee, snacks or saving for a night out/away. There is no overdraft on the account so he can't overspend and he has come to realise he has to prioritise and can't have everything.


I didn't think you started a man bashing thread the gender was unimportant it was the issue and how asking for advice how to deal with it that was the main thing.

Kantankrus_Mare

sugarcube84 wrote: »

I found that the allowance thing worked Debbie because he does have an amount that is free to do with as he pleases, he controls it, whether that is coffee, snacks or saving for a night out/away. There is no overdraft on the account so he can't overspend and he has come to realise he has to prioritise and can't have everything.


I didn't think you started a man bashing thread the gender was unimportant it was the issue and how asking for advice how to deal with it that was the main thing.

Totally agreed........something has to change or at some point you will begin to feel resentful.

I know from family experience that it isnt just one gender that feels the need to spend. My brother's wife couldnt be more different to me.

She loves to shop shop shop and spend spend spend. I think it is a replacement for things she feels are missing from her life but thats her thing and they can afford it. Wouldnt be for me though :rotfl: I have no urge whatsoever to wander around a shopping mall unless I am absolutely desperate for something and then put it off till I really have no choice.

Each to their own.......unless its causing financial problems.

Keep us informed with how things are going.
X

foolofbeans

some interesting views and ideas on this thread. I am in a similar position and have been saying to OH for some time that we need to take control of our finances before we have no options left. He has nodded his head and then carried on regardless.
I have now completed the SOA and shown him how dire our situation is and I think it has really hit home. Whether it has hit home enough that he will reduce the amount of money he spends on entertainment and smoking - only time will tell!

Sanctioned_Parts_List

My wife is a sucker for a discount - wouldn't be the first time I come home to discover the food budget mildly dented and bag after bag of wilting Tesco salad in the fridge 'cos they had a yellow label stuck on them. Don't mind it when it's pennies.

It did take a while to stop her falling for the "(up to) 80% off" things, where most items on the shelf are only 5% discounted with the one ratbag piece of tat nobody in their right mind would ever buy discounted as promised. And for her not to believe TK M@xx discounts (or in fact that tat-bazaar at all). But that's more a case of not knowing how Britain works and needing to develop some good ol' Mk1 British cynicism than lack of financial marbles.

With cash in hand, she's a fantastic budgeter, but still hasn't learned to keep a running total in her head using cards. I'm the opposite way around - cash spends, cards lock.

So we muddle through and find a way, and each play to our strengths. I put everything through the computer and sort out the scheduled payments. She runs the daily spend. I have a bit of play money left over from my salary, she occasionally baby-sits for hers. Gender balance restored enough? No? Ah fuggeddaboudit, it's just pixels on a screen.

TBagpuss

debbie_debt wrote: »

I'm liking the idea of splitting up the 'spare' cash we have for spends and having it in individual accounts. At least that way we both know what is actually available for spending and what's needed for other stuff, like DDs/petrol/food shopping etc. At the moment, we have one account for DDs, one for debts, then one for stuff spent on switch card that includes food shopping and petrol along with everyday spending. Time for more bank accounts!!

You could also consider having the 'spends' as actual cash - I think for a lot of people, using cards doesn't feel as if you are spending 'real' money. Having actual cash might be a way for him to better see what he is spending and what he has left.

I also wonder whether part of the issue may be that despite the fact that he wants you to manage the money , it has then put you in the position where he also slightly resents you doing so. It might be useful to suggest that he makes some decisions. Maybe sit down with him and with the budget of your current spends, debt repayments etc. Explain that you understnad that he would like the two of you to be able to have ocassional weekends away, and a holiay, and suggest that he look at the budget and suggest ways that you can start to save for thoe things. Although saving rather than paying off debt isn't ideal from a MSE perspective, I think that, just as having the ocassional treat when you are dieting can help you stick to the diet the rests of the time, having the ocassional 'fun' thing to look forward to may help you to stick to the fiancial diet.

Maybe suggest that you each commit to putting £x per week/month from your personal spends allowance into a savings account, on the basis that the savings can be used for fun things but only when you both agree and when the fun thing can be paid for entirely out of the savings 'pot'. That way, you can still havethat weekend in a hotel but only after you've saved up, and only if both of you agree that that is the best way to spend the money you've saved up. (or you could agree that when it gets to a certain level, (say £150) one of you gets to pick what it is spent on, with the ule being that you take it in turns, and that the spend has to be or both of you (so when it is his turn, he can chose to spend it on a weekend away, but not on a lads night out. When it is your turn, you could chose to spend it on 2 or 3 nice meals out together, or a couples spa day, or you could chose to save it until you had 3 lots and then spend it on a cheap holiday.

You might find that it would be helpful to look at seeing someone from RELATE or a simialr organisation - they could help you to work on improving your communication as a couple.
Good Luck.

EssexHebridean

debbie_debt wrote: »

I'm liking the idea of splitting up the 'spare' cash we have for spends and having it in individual accounts. At least that way we both know what is actually available for spending and what's needed for other stuff, like DDs/petrol/food shopping etc. At the moment, we have one account for DDs, one for debts, then one for stuff spent on switch card that includes food shopping and petrol along with everyday spending. Time for more bank accounts!!

To give you an outline of how we work it - income (ie wages) go into the joint account. we each have an agreed amount for spends each month - and we've got a direct transfer set up for that amount to go into our own accounts on the same date each month. For us it's the 1st - for others it may work better on a different date. Once that money is in our own accounts it's ours to do with as we will - no quibble, debate or discussion. The joint account then covers all "joint" expenses. From the joint account we also have automatic transfers set up for set amounts to go to our "budgets" - which are offshoot savings accounts from the main current account. We're with nationwide and it makes it dead easy to do that! So allocated sums go off against car expenses (covers everything except fuel), holiday, household expenses (Covers home insurance and replacement of the odd small appliances) Presents (covers christmas and birthday presents for family members for the year) "general fun" (what it says on the tin - the odd meal out, trips here and there) and a few other things.

Another thought with your OH - have you done an SOA? If not, doing that and physically putting that in front of him might well be an idea. In fact, do two - one reflecting how things are now - with his current spending - and one reflecting how things would look if some economies were made...
You could also have a figure handy of an average of spending for which he has been responsible over the past year...averaged out per month. Then ask him what he feels would be a fair amount for him to have for general spending each month. If his figure is substantially lower than the actual figure he's been spending, showing him what has actually been spent might give him a shock! (Or, as an alternative, agree that he gets the amount he says as an allowance - which he ought to be happy with as it's his figure - then you net the saving against the debts, and the first month he runs out of cash inside a fortnight will come as a nasty shock...)

Also to say - I agree with Bagpuss about using cash often working better for people who have - let's say "issues" - with managing their budgets.