Have they been unreasonable?

Mojisola

MortgageVirgin wrote: »

The mother-in-law is very much as bad as she's been painted. The reason given for her to come to my partner's parents' was because her other daughter wanted to spend Boxing Day with MiL, but MiL doesn't much like that daughter and needed an excuse.

splishsplash wrote: »

What else are they supposed to do? Get up on Boxing Day morning and say 'tootles, see you tonight; leftovers in the fridge, remote's on the coffee table, be a lamb and walk the dog'?? I don't think they thought it through. Such a pity.

Well, they could have said - shall we drop you off at X's house or do you want to spend the day here on your own?

It doesn't seem fair that one grandmother can refuse to spend the day with someone she doesn't want to spend time with but the other grandparents are expected by most people to have her as a guest even though they don't want to spend time with her.

Mojisola

MortgageVirgin wrote: »

Brother and his family live about three hours from here, so my partner's parents don't get to see their grandchildren very often.

MiL sees them every day.

We had this situation when ours were small. All four grandparents got on well together and when the in laws visited, my parents used to come round as well to spend some time with them until FIL mentioned that MIL felt a bit hard done by because she didn't get time with the children without my parents there.

I talked with my parents about it and arranged that one visit they wouldn't come round at all and the next time, they'd pop in for half an hour before the in laws went home just to keep in touch. Worked very well.

FBaby

Well, they could have said - shall we drop you off at X's house or do you want to spend the day here on your own?

The problem is that MIL probably doesn't know she is annoying and whatever else she is being accused of being. So what are you supposed to add to 'sorry you're not invited so you can stay on your own?'

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

The problem is that MIL probably doesn't know she is annoying and whatever else she is being accused of being. So what are you supposed to add to 'sorry you're not invited so you can stay on your own?'

When making the plans for Christmas, I'd have said something like - I hope you'll be able to be with us on Christmas Day - we'll be going to the other parents on Boxing Day so what are your plans for that day?

splishsplash

Mojisola wrote: »

Well, they could have said - shall we drop you off at X's house or do you want to spend the day here on your own?

It doesn't seem fair that one grandmother can refuse to spend the day with someone she doesn't want to spend time with but the other grandparents are expected by most people to have her as a guest even though they don't want to spend time with her.

The OP was about what happened after her partner's brother called to see if the MIL could be included, so evidently they felt they couldn't do that.

Food for another thread, maybe? 'Should my partner's brother have phoned his parents to see if they would include MIL in the invitation to visit, bearing in mind everyone dislikes her and she already has an invite to somewhere else?'

I think the situation in the OP could have been handled differently, but it appears the OP's de facto parents-in-law did not behave in a gracious or hospitable manner.

FBaby

When making the plans for Christmas, I'd have said something like - I hope you'll be able to be with us on Christmas Day - we'll be going to the other parents on Boxing Day so what are your plans for that day?

Except that it would seem they had already made the decision to spend the day with her, either at his parents, or not if she couldn't join.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

Except that it would seem they had already made the decision to spend the day with her, either at his parents, or not if she couldn't join.

Well, that should have been discussed with his parents much sooner.

euronorris

Just wanted to add that the 'for reasons we won't go into' part might have been taken in the wrong way. They might not be inferring upset at the grandparents who declined the MIL. They might well be inferring that MIL is being very, very difficult about the whole thing and making their lives misery during her stay and that, in order to keep the peace, they've had to relent and stay home with her instead.


Not saying that's the right thing to do, but we don't know the dynamics of the relationship between MIL and her 'favoured' daughter. The daughter may well find it too difficult/upsetting to refuse her mother. If her Mother is a particularly strong and nasty character, the daughter may never have found the strength to say no and deal with the ensuing guilt trip that may follow. In which case, both she and her husband (being supportive) have opted for the least disruptive/upsetting option for them and their kids.

Flugelhorn

BarryBlue wrote: »

This is exactly what I was referring to. Christmas brings out the worst of family politics. We don't do family politics now, and we don't really bother with Christmas either. It's just another date on the calendar and we don't start pretending just because of that.

I agree with you on this - I do wish more people would accept that Dec 25th is just a random day on the calendar and no different ultimately from any other day of the year. Reckon plenty of people would be much happier if they were not confined in houses with people they wouldn't normally spend time with - often with the added stress that they may have upset others in the process by choosing to be in one place rather than another.

Tygermoth

Just from a different point of view why you should not open your house up to anyone who dampens the mood on a family event….

We are the DIL and Son in this. We were home and had my parents stopping over for Christmas. My mother, is um difficult. My OH parents wanted to see us so called up and invited us to dinner. We thanked them but declined and explained we had guests however they were like ‘don’t worry two more won’t matter its Christmas! The more the merrier’. I mentioned who it was as my mum has been a bit of a diva during a pervious family event - they were all like, don’t worry, its fine.

To this day I feel sorry for them as no good deed goes unpunished, my mother was a living nightmare. The house and food were fabulous, the hosts had done everything to make everyone comfortable, and they had even rustled up a few presents for my parents so they didn’t feel left out as there were 16 or so guests some family had flown in from abroad so a big family bash.

Everyone was lovely, it had been years since the full family was together so everyone was in a wonderful mood. Friendly chatty and genuinely happy to be in each other’s and our company. It would be years before it happened again so everyone was making the most of the event.

My parents were snide, !!!!!y sour faced and objectionable. Just enough that they were deeply unpleasant but just short outright rude so being able to call them on it. They got embarrassingly drunk when everyone else was sober as it was still early in the evening.

As the night progressed they started a row with one of the guest and mocked their children not calling them spoiled outright but inferring they were overindulged brats. My mum stood up while everyone was eating Christmas dinner as if to make a toast then asked the assembled guests if we (me and my OH) were being selfish because we didn’t want children, then went off in a petulant rant about how terrible we were as we had denied them the big wedding they wanted for us and now no babies. My mum then sat down and fell off her chair then started a row with me being mean to her as I refused to allow her to drink any more.

I could go on there was loads, but trust me they totally ruined a lovely family event, all the planning, preparation and Christmas spirit was trampled on. She upset a number of guests and they left early. I didn't drive at the time so we had a friend coming to collect us so we couldn't go early.

In the end my FIL asked us to leave as we were unwelcome. We had to pay for a taxi home (no small sum as its quite a drive and we were quite brassic!)

We have never been invited to a family bash since, and I was advised under no uncertain terms my parents were never welcome again in any of the family’s houses as she had upset so many people. My in laws are the forgive and forget types and everything becomes a joke over time, but not this. She caused quite a bit of family friction – making light of one of the uncles who had a palliative cancer diagnosis and some of the family is still not talking because of the fallout from that.

What makes my blood boil is if you ask my mother about that night she totally denies that anything was amiss and I am just exaggerating if I mention anything.