Have they been unreasonable?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

MortgageVirgin wrote: »

Thanks for your replies, everyone!

The mother-in-law is very much as bad as she's been painted. The reason given for her to come to my partner's parents' was because her other daughter wanted to spend Boxing Day with MiL, but MiL doesn't much like that daughter and needed an excuse.

Brother and his family live about three hours from here, so my partner's parents don't get to see their grandchildren very often. MiL sees them every day.

Next step is trying to plan when we'll see them!

I'd tell the woman to jog on if she wanted to do something so unpleasant to her own daughter as well.

Person_one

This is a tricky one, I'm finding myself nodding in agreement with nearly every post, even ones that completely contradict each other!

On one hand, yes it would have been kind for the grandparents to include the other grandma who is on her own. Its one more person in a crowded house, and its not much to put up with for the sake of family unity and not offending their daughter in law.

On the other hand, some people are deeply unpleasant to be around and should they have to put up with that in their own home for the sake of keeping the peace? Is it so terrible to want some time with their children and grandchildren that they can just enjoy without worrying about a nasty in-law insulting and badmouthing from the corner of the room all day? Are they worried about setting a precedent or opening a door that's better staying closed?

I suppose, no right answer here, just what will have the least worst consequences short and long term.

FBaby

The problem with such situation is that people blow them out of proportion and then worse starts the 'he said she said' which inevitably distort the truth and lead to gossip that ends up hurting people.

This one could have been a simple 'we don't want her there so we are not inviting her' with a 'ok but we don't want her to be alone so won't come'. End of.

Instead, it has become a case of everyone getting their nose into it to the point of the brother's partner feeling she should ask strangers for their views on that matter and gossip spraying that MIL doesn't want to see the other daughter, which is probably not exactly true and parents who won't see grand children because they will stand by their position and probably not visit.

It will most likely lead to resentment and another family broken apart, not talking, blaming each other etc... all because people couldn't respect each other's decisions in the first place and everyone got involved when they should have stayed out of it.

seven-day-weekend

I understand what it is like to spend Christmas with someone who casts a black cloud over the procedings - my late m-I-l was like this.

Having said that, the lady under discussion is the childrens' grandmother as well as the OP's parents and should, imho, be included in the family gathering. Her negative vibes will be diluted by other family members and maybe even largely ignored.

BarryBlue

I think the subject of this thread demonstrates perfectly why Christmas is probably the worst time of year for many people. Never is 'family politics' more prevalent than the so-called festive season. I absolutely fail to see why some people are required to tolerate unpleasant people just because they happen to be related and it is a public holiday.

I simply refuse to put up with difficult people in social settings, be it Christmas or otherwise. People, even old relatives, make their bed throughout the year so they must lie on them at Christmas. If it's a case of keeping the peace, make excuses and have a quiet Christmas at home. I do have every sympathy for the OP here.

Jagraf

BarryBlue wrote: »

I think the subject of this thread demonstrates perfectly why Christmas is probably the worst time of year for many people. Never is 'family politics' more prevalent than the so-called festive season. I absolutely fail to see why some people are required to tolerate unpleasant people just because they happen to be related and it is a public holiday.

I simply refuse to put up with difficult people in social settings, be it Christmas or otherwise. People, even old relatives, make their bed throughout the year so they must lie on them at Christmas. If it's a case of keeping the peace, make excuses and have a quiet Christmas at home. I do have every sympathy for the OP here.

In that case, as my MIL was never very good at thinking about others when my FIL was alive, we should just leave the 81 year old at home, on her own. I couldn't do that. If I did do that, my own family would be devastated that I could think such a thing.

Even my third cousins are happy for her to tag along to their house - they've only met her twice.

She is quite miserable too - but she's not big enough on her own to ruin the day. She will just have to enjoy it. But I wouldn't leave her on her own. We never do and never will.

Jagraf

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I understand what it is like to spend Christmas with someone who casts a black cloud over the procedings - my late m-I-l was like this.

Having said that, the lady under discussion is the childrens' grandmother as well as the OP's parents and should, imho, be included in the family gathering. Her negative vibes will be diluted by other family members and maybe even largely ignored.

Exactly - if my mil wants to be miserable we probably won't even notice

splishsplash

I think your partner's parents were ungracious and petty, OP.
Very short sighted also.
If I got a phone call from a family member asking if their Christmas guest could be included in the invitation to visit (from three hours away) then obviously I would understand that they couldn't leave them if I declined.
What else are they supposed to do? Get up on Boxing Day morning and say 'tootles, see you tonight; leftovers in the fridge, remote's on the coffee table, be a lamb and walk the dog'?? I don't think they thought it through. Such a pity.

maman

I've made similar choices. DD2 doesn't visit at Christmas because she chooses to have people stay with her that I don't have a civil word for. She knows they wouldn't be welcome here so she doesn't visit and she knows I won't visit her while they're there. We've made choices, we live with them.


Then there's the fact that if she was to visit she'd want to bring her badly behaved dog! He's not welcome either! But that's another can of worms....:rotfl:

BarryBlue

maman wrote: »

I've made similar choices. DD2 doesn't visit at Christmas because she chooses to have people stay with her that I don't have a civil word for. She knows they wouldn't be welcome here so she doesn't visit and she knows I won't visit her while they're there. We've made choices, we live with them.

Then there's the fact that if she was to visit she'd want to bring her badly behaved dog! He's not welcome either! But that's another can of worms....:rotfl:

This is exactly what I was referring to. Christmas brings out the worst of family politics. We don't do family politics now, and we don't really bother with Christmas either. It's just another date on the calendar and we don't start pretending just because of that.

As for the dog, good for you. I wouldn't have a dog in the house for anyone, badly behaved or otherwise. Be true to yourself!