Help....how to say NO nicely

WYSPECIAL

A friend you haven't seen for ten years needs an answer within 24 hours!

Should just be an instant "No sorry"

shopaholicz

I realise everyone will think I'm a right whimp, but I find it really hard to say no to someones face, especially when they're asking for help and looking really sad.

I also realise my friend probably showed her face after 10 years on purpose to ask us. But what would I do if I were in her position? Maybe I'd do the same. We've been really fortunate in not having money worries but that's mostly because we're really careful with ours.

I don't expect to stop myself feeling guilty but I think I can use a white lie to get round it. We are having a couple of walls knocked down in the spring and the kitchen and dining room made into one with a new kitchen thrown in. Nobody knows how much we have in the bank, so I could say we need all our spare money for that.

Happy to know that no one on here thought I was being really mean and have agreed with not lending. That makes me feel a bit better and confident that it's the right decision.

Thanks to all who suggested offering to help find debt advice and to do practical things instead of financial things. I think I will use both of those suggestions.

mad_spaniel

I have watched too many episodes of Judge Rinder on TV where loans have not been repaid to lend anyone money. I advise you not to lay anything. Just say no unless you can happily say goodbye to that money forever.

Peter333

shopaholicz wrote: »

I'm feeling really bad at the minute. I've been asked by 2 different people in the last 2 days to lend them money.

The first was the other halfs niece who wants us to lend them £2,000. We know they've already had money from others in the family and not paid them back, so don't really want to lend them any.

The second was a friend yesterday. We haven't seen her for 10 years, then she knocked on the door a couple of weeks ago. She came again yesterday and asked for £2,500 as she was leaving, saying it was a matter of life and death and she had to know within 24 hours.

I look after my money, only spend if I have to, love coupons and bargains etc. I've worked hard and saved hard for the money we have and don't want to give any away as we can't guarantee getting anything back. However, I'm feeling really guilty as we do have spare in the bank that we could lend.

So......how do we say no to both of them, nicely.

A person you have not seen for ten years is not a 'friend.' The first time this individual knocks on your door in ten years is to ask for money?! Is she for real?! Tell her to do one, never mind the niceties! Cheeky mare!

And as for your niece? No sorry hun, we're proper strapped at the mo. Couldn't even lend you two thousand PENCE.'

Seriously, just say no. Say you don't have it, and even if you did, you wouldn't lend it to them, as money lending to friends and family just causes hassle and friction, and destroys relationships.

You asked 'what would I do in the 'friend's' position?' I would hope NOT the same as her! No-one *I* have in my circle of family and friends would rock up to someone's house after not bothering with them for TEN YEARS to ask for money. I don't care who it is, they would get the door slammed in their face, and an order to leave my premises, or the police will be called.

What kind of parasite has nothing to do with someone for ten years, and then turns up JUST to ask for money?!

Tigsteroonie

shopaholicz wrote: »

I don't expect to stop myself feeling guilty but I think I can use a white lie to get round it. We are having a couple of walls knocked down in the spring and the kitchen and dining room made into one with a new kitchen thrown in. Nobody knows how much we have in the bank, so I could say we need all our spare money for that.

Don't say this - as they will promise to have repaid you by Spring, and it makes it more difficult to continue to refuse.


Just say No. I like the answer that was "No, we don't have any spare money but is there anything practical I can do?"

ravilious_fan

Don't feel guilty, that's an awful lot of money they're asking for. Even if you were a millionaire there's no reason why you should feel you have to give them thousands of pounds. They have asked you because they know you are nice and find it hard to say no.

Maybe brush up on some assertiveness skills in case this or something similar happens again.

Hermia

shopaholicz wrote: »

I don't expect to stop myself feeling guilty but I think I can use a white lie to get round it. We are having a couple of walls knocked down in the spring and the kitchen and dining room made into one with a new kitchen thrown in. Nobody knows how much we have in the bank, so I could say we need all our spare money for that.

Use your white lie this time, but you really need to get used to just saying no. The problem with using excuses is people will find reasons why your excuses aren't valid.

"You are having the kitchen done in the spring and I intend to pay you back in the new year" or "My new boyfriend is a builder so I will get him to do your kitchen cheap in return for the loan" etc.

Whenever people ask me for money I just say sorry, I don't lend money to people and I just keep repeating that. I never borrow money either so no one can accuse my of hypocrisy. TBH I wouldn't even be that polite to a friend who hasn't been in touch for years and a relative who has a history of not repaying debts!

Georgiegirl256

I agree with Peter. Someone who you haven't seen for ten years is not a friend. She turned up out of the blue a couple of weeks ago and then yesterday asked for money? She's had this planned all along. Con you into thinking "Oh isn't it nice to see so and so again?" and then the next thing you know she's asking for money....and not just a few quid, £2500!!

What's the urgency that she needs to know within 24 hours? I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her tbh. No doubt she's already asked other folk and they've turned her down, and you're next in line. Don't be that mug who agrees. Same goes with your niece, especially as she has form.

A simple "no we can't afford it" will suffice.

theoretica

I dislike the implication that if you could afford it you might lend money or need to justify having savings not earmarked for something in particular. Having a safety net of savings (for your own emergencies, not other people's) should not need any justification or cause upset. Pretending to be skint when you aren't just perpetrates the idea that everyone is broke so that it is perfectly OK for me to be.

VfM4meplse

shopaholicz wrote: »

The first was the other halfs niece who wants us to lend them £2,000. We know they've already had money from others in the family and not paid them back, so don't really want to lend them any.

She has a nerve, and plenty of form - and I note its a want rather than a "need". Let your OH discuss this with his niece's parents because it is just embarrassing.

shopaholicz wrote: »

The second was a friend yesterday. We haven't seen her for 10 years, then she knocked on the door a couple of weeks ago. She came again yesterday and asked for £2,500 as she was leaving, saying it was a matter of life and death and she had to know withing 24 hours.

Money can't buy a life, and if it can its only going to go to a criminal recipient. Ridiculous request IMO and you should probably close the door on this "friendship".

Why you feel any worse than those asking, I don't know. They're desperate to get hold of your money and you're not the kind to spend unwisely on yourself, so why spend unwisely on anyone else?