Help....how to say NO nicely

marisco_2

My gut reaction is that whether you leant the money to these people or not, it would be the last you would see or hear of them. Does that bit of reality ease the totally unnecessary guilty feelings that you have?

Bogof_Babe

I'd say to the niece "what did you do with the £*** that **** lent you? Have you finished paying it back yet?" Put her on the spot a bit.

As for the "friend", if she didn't even say what she needed £2,500 for then why on earth would she expect you to bail her out? Any situation she has got herself in, it's up to her to get herself out of, not you.

meritaten

Why not just say 'I am sorry but all our moneys tied up right now'. and that is your answer from here on! practice it in front of the mirror until it 'trips off your tongue'.

enthusiasticsaver

I certainly wouldn't apologise or try and find a way to say no nicely. I make a point of never lending money to friends or family (quickest way of falling out ever). Gifting money you can afford to lose is another matter though and I have done that to very close family (not friends). If I get it back it is a bonus.


A niece or former friend is not a close family member though and if you know they are bad with money my advice would be to say that you would rather not lend money to friends or family and suggest they apply for a loan or overdraft at a bank or get some debt advice if that is not an option. Do not try and justify yourself. You are doing nothing wrong by refusing a loan and should not feel in the least guilty.

sweetilemon

I've been in this position from a family member. I said no I couldn't afford to lend that amount (which isn't a lie...don't lend what you couldn't afford to lose!) and offered enough to make sure their family didn't go hungry/cold...which was turned down. Next month I knew I'd made the right decision when their family went on holiday, drove around in a new car flashing their new mobile phones. None of which I would have spent the money on myself at that point.

Don't feel guilty. I wouldn't see friends or family starve or freeze but often it's bad money management and people need to help them self's. I've noticed this when I give advice to friends who then plead poverty by the end of the month despite frittering money away.

They are asking for a significant amount of money which would take most a lot of time to work hard for. Don't feel guilty.

pinpin

sweetilemon wrote: »

Next month I knew I'd made the right decision when their family went on holiday, drove around in a new car flashing their new mobile phones.

lol, that sounds like my cousin!
She complained about not being able to afford food for her children and stuff and that they were in huge debt etc, and then she was gifted a large amount of money by her father, and she used it to go on a really expensive holiday for 2 weeks and then bought a new car!

She's also often trying to get my parents to lend her money. My dad retired as a millionnaire at a young age and so she thinks he's made of money, but she forgets he hasn't earnt a penny in decades, lives off of his savings, and lives in a big house with lots of land, and if I told you how much he has to spend on heating alone (oil tanker comes to the house every few months) you simply wouldn't believe me.
He's good at saying 'no', but my mum gives in easily.

My dad also leant my brother about 40K once, and he never saw it again!

I'm someone who could never ask for money, although I tend to be a good judge of character and will lend money to people (if I have it!!) when I'm confident i'll get it back.

Bogof_Babe

pinpin wrote: »

lol, that sounds like my cousin!
She complained about not being able to afford food for her children and stuff and that they were in huge debt etc, and then she was gifted a large amount of money by her father, and she used it to go on a really expensive holiday for 2 weeks and then bought a new car!

She's also often trying to get my parents to lend her money. My dad retired as a millionnaire at a young age and so she thinks he's made of money, but she forgets he hasn't earnt a penny in decades, lives off of his savings, and lives in a big house with lots of land, and if I told you how much he has to spend on heating alone (oil tanker comes to the house every few months) you simply wouldn't believe me.
He's good at saying 'no', but my mum gives in easily.

My dad also leant my brother about 40K once, and he never saw it again!

I'm someone who could never ask for money, although I tend to be a good judge of character and will lend money to people (if I have it!!) when I'm confident i'll get it back.

Once upon a time being a millionaire meant you were made for life, as you could make enough on interest and investments to keep you in luxury, without touching the capital. Those were the days!

splishsplash

I also think you should say no without elaborating, OP, as anything you say can be turned against you and used to persuade you to change your mind.
If you say you need the money for building work they'll tell you it will be repaid before the work starts; if you say 'I'm skint' they'll tell you they'll have the money back within a week or so; say you're saving it for emergencies and they'll convince you that theirs is the emergency you've been saving for!

Does your 'friend' have gambling or other addiction problems? Maybe you could direct them towards some kind of support? Your niece sounds like she can't manage her money - maybe offer to help her work out a budget to repay what she owes?

As others have said, you need to be prepared to substitute the word 'loan' for 'gift' in these conversations. If you are happy to gift what they are asking for, then fine. Otherwise, pretend they've used the word gift and draft your answers accordingly.

POPPYOSCAR

Do not feel guilty.


We learned the hard way.


Lent £2000 to a trusted family member who was waiting on an accident compensation payout.


They got their payout but we never got our money back and we have not seen them for several years and we do not even know where they are now living.


We never, ever thought they would do this to us but we have come to terms with the fact that we will never see our money again.

shopaholicz

Update

Deed done x 2.

Firstly, I got the other half to deal with his niece. This had to be over the phone due to how far away they live. He was very nervous and didn't want an argument or bad feelings but just said we couldn't lend them any money. She never even questioned why, said she was disappointed but understood. We never dreamt it would be that easy.

2nd one I dealt with. My friend knocked on the door again at 5:30 last night. She said she'd come to see if we'd decided. I told her no, using the planned building work as an excuse. She said it was only for 90 days and she'd have the money back to me before the builder came. She asked me to reconsider as it would cause her lots of problems if she couldn't get the money yesterday. I said no again. She said she may as well throw herself under a bus. Very evasive, still didn't say what the money was for. I offered to help her set up a debt management plan, help her look at her finances or anything else practical she thought she needed. She replied that she wasn't in any debt and the money wasn't for what I thought it was for. No more detail. I was dying of curiosity but didn't ask her to explain as I didn't want to give her an "in". I'm such a nosy person, I'd love to know what it was for though. Can't imagine.

So both dealt with. I hope that's an end to it and nobody else ever asks. Ever.