Help....how to say NO nicely

Verix

I have more sympathy for your friend than most purely because nobody knows what situation she is in and it's impossible to say what we would all do in a desperate situation.

That being said, a really simple 'I'm sorry we can't, if there's any other way we can help let me know'. She hasn't told you what she wants it for, you don't need to say why you can't lend.

Hermia

theoretica wrote: »

I dislike the implication that if you could afford it you might lend money or need to justify having savings not earmarked for something in particular. Having a safety net of savings (for your own emergencies, not other people's) should not need any justification or cause upset. Pretending to be skint when you aren't just perpetrates the idea that everyone is broke so that it is perfectly OK for me to be.

I would not use the I am broke or I need my savings for X excuse. As you say no one needs to justify why they are not lending money. And saying you are broke or are saving can lead to a manipulative person to start picking apart your lifestyle. For example, you can't be that broke because I saw your husband has a new car blah blah. That is the sort of questioning that will freak an unassertive person out. It is much better to just say you have a policy of not lending money and you are not going to discuss it any further.

steph2901

I'd just tell them no. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone!

If they are in financial trouble then suggest they speak to Step Change to sort out a payment plan.

ravilious_fan

Apart from essentials like food and shelter, what can somebody urgently NEED money for? I suppose the car might break down or the boiler need repairing, but the bank should be able to lend in those circumstances, if the person is in work. And if they're not in work, they're not going to pay the money back.

It's not clear why the niece and the friend want upwards of two thousand pounds (each!), but if it's just 'wants' it's far better if they save up for whatever it is.

Pollycat

I would just say 'no, we're not lending you any money' and refuse to get into any discussion about it.
I think your 'friend' has a hell of a lot of cheek just turning up & asking for a loan out of the blue.

I wouldn't even worry about trying to say 'no' nicely.

Many years ago a very close family member asked us to help financially. We said 'no' and they had the cheek to argue with us trying to change our minds.

It split the family for many years.

pollypenny

Again, I find this very far fetched. Maybe friends might ask to borrow £25 and a close family member might ask to borrow a couple of k for a car.

However, I can't imagine anyone adding another friend for £2,500.

Do you have a reputation as a generous spendthrift, OP.?

VfM4meplse

Pollycat wrote: »

Many years ago a very close family member asked us to help financially. We said 'no' and they had the cheek to argue with us trying to change our minds.

That speaks volumes about their desperation. Out of interest, did they ever share what the consequences of not having that money would have on them?

Something similar happened in our family (not close) a few years ago. Those doing the asking live in the US, and held the most lavish wedding events - we are talking 6 figures here - for their only daughter, with huge numbers attending. After a few months fortunes changed, and they asked for some temporary help from my parents which was rather surprising given that there was much closer family to hand. That must have been very hard for them to do. If I'd been asked, I would have probably given them a tidy sum without thinking twice - although I didn't make it to the wedding, they have been incredibly kind to me in the past.

But I would also accept that I'd be unlikely to ever see the money again.

Pollycat

VfM4meplse wrote: »

That speaks volumes about their desperation. Out of interest, did they ever share what the consequences of not having that money would have on them?

You may think that from the little I've posted but the reality was they wanted someone to be a guarantor for a mortgage.
The family member was living in a perfectly satisfactory council house and receiving a fair amount of benefits.
Her partner moved in but they hadn't realised that she would lose a considerable amount of benefit so they decided they wanted to buy a house.
His father - a millionnaire (yes, really!) and his sibling (in a very, very well paid job) had already turned them down.

In addition, he had a house of his own which 'he didn't want to sell to put towards the deposit for the house'.

He said - during the confrontation - "why should you live in a detached house and we have to live in a council house?".

Still feel they were desperate?

Incidentally, they split up later so guess who would have been left paying the mortgage?

lincroft1710

Hermia wrote: »

For example, you can't be that broke because I saw your husband has a new car blah blah.

Which is why we are broke, because we spent all our money on a new car.

VfM4meplse

Pollycat wrote: »

Still feel they were desperate?

Not so desperate that they were willing to sell their own assets, clearly. Quite uncommitted with a serious case of entitlement issues, I'd say.

My fault I guess for judging people by my own standards!