Help with leaving husband and finances

Guest101

duchy wrote: »

The way you constantly belittle - I don't believe I do this. feel free to pull me up on anything which i say which you don't agree with, perhaps I could rephrase it. Or after some healthy debate we can agree to disagree. women whose marriages who have failed with your assumptions - I try to avoid assumptions where possible, if a logical pattern forms I will follow that through, but I will always try to give reasons for such. of the worst of motives- you mean ? - Some people do have the worst possible motives. However My I will not make a baseless accusation, I will engage with the poster. If I see something which I think is wrong, I will say so. Perhaps read back on some of your past posts to see why more than one board regular attributes this attitude to you. - You are free to attribute what you wish, you can engage with me, or you can ignore me, it's up to you. But bullying simply because we don't agree is wrong. It may not be true but it's certainly the impression you give. - As I say, engage with my posts and I will do my best to explain why I've said what I have. If it's poorly written I'll change it. You might even get me to withdraw my comments because I'd made a clear cut mistake.

Leaving a marriage- even a desperately unhappy one is not something the majority of mothers do lightly - I'm sure it's not. And I haven't said otherwise, certainly not in this thread. -and your undermining attitude is not helpful at what is already a difficult time. - This is where we disagree. What you call undermining I simple would call a different opinion. I could equally say that being overly supportive sets up a person for another fall as they realise the true scale of the challenge they face. Ultimately a combination of opinions is provided. The OP would do well to take elements from all of them to reach a balanced point.

I'm bored to death with men - I guess this is where we vary, I'm bored to death with people, not genders. who assume that because they married - if you mean me, I have never been married, but equally you could be generalising. women who they perceive transformed from normal balanced women to unreasonable harpies - People do this all the time. Most abusers don't start off being abusive. (and of course they never did anything to cause this change - Would you say this to an abuse victim? ) that all failed marriages are the same and will end as badly as their own.

Happy to debate further with you.

Guest101

justme111 wrote: »

I wonder how you manage to miss sometimes parts of the posts , sometimes the entire posts if they don't fit your narrative. In this very thread I commended op for not trying to get "all she she's s entitled to" .
If you interested in my opinion as you started to talk about my believes - I think divorce law is unfair in favouring lesser earner and main childcarer which is usually woman but it is not about what I think . - I disagree it's entirely about what you think. The law should represent the beliefs of the people.
The only two things op decided is that she wants out of the marriage - which is probably best all round and that she does not want to go gun blazing solicitor/barrister route - again this is often the best way which given likely savings amount if her husband would have benefitted her monetarily greatly. - possibly. I suspect solicitors would have benefited more. She willingly forgoes it and you still criticise her because she dared to speculate on how visitation schedule could be. - because she's discussing it in her head and telling hundreds of strangers on the internet, when really the question should be to her husband? What id wrong with her thinking about possible visitation schedule options ? - nothing. But it shows a lack of communication in the relationship and a 'target' to be reached, rather than work on a compromise together. What possible change of job of husband has to do with it ? - a lot really. the op claims that the husband could not do joint parenting because of his work. I suspect it would at least cross his mind to change jobs to be a father more often. Where did she say "that's how it will be "? - this is implied but suggesting she would kick her husband out as the alternative.
You trying to find something wrong with how she acts and I suppose many men would because in their brains flashing only one thing :" she left me , she is bad". - I'm making comments based on what she has said. If I don't agree, i'll say so. So no matter just how considerate she is and agreeable and nice - you know her personally? I'm judging on what's written here. a man still tried to argue she done wrong - of course she has , she taken unilateral decision to drop him ! - In my opinion she is wrong. But that's ok, it's just my opinion, you don't need to get offended by it. (and no I don't think she's done wrong by wanting to break up - I think there are other bits of what she's deciding now which are wrong) Dare I say this attitude just adds to the lines of women who end up take their exes to cleaners - Don't understand what you mean here. Because I think she's done wrong it makes it ok for other people to behave badly? it is hard being nice when one is unappreciated in that niceness , - shouldn't be nice to be appreciated, that's not being 'nice' that's being fake. one thinks may as well be hanged for a sheep as for a lamb.

Inetresting debate, happy to discuss more.

savingfortomorrow

Have a read of a few article like http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stann-givens/6-things-to-do-when-you-s_b_1440279.html it is us based but gives you an idea.

See a solicitor who specials in family practice. Prepare and ensure you get what you are entitled to. The concealing of assists is very worrying. You need to speak to a financial advisor.

Dont sign or agree to anything till you are well advised. He might be doing the same, and given the concealed assets very likely. Don't be a fool, you need more of the estate than 3k to set up a home for your kids, it's not cheap to buy duplicates of toasters, linen and all that stuff.

Get some serious advise and delete the history if using a computer he can access or worse the kids. This needs to be found out over a reasoned and well considered conversation, not through looking at a search history.

happygirl01

Wow I thought this would help not make me feel any worse.
I work from home, I do travel with work across the country once or twice a month.
I am only giving ideas of access, I do everything because I have to, my husband works for himself so can be flexible but chooses not to be. He won't change his career it's his business.
I feel I'm being reasonable most wife's would keep the marital home and have the husband leave. I think when you've tried for 15 years and get nothing back I'm entitled to start a fresh.
I'll be happy to move with nothing I'm not materialistic but I need a few things for the kids.
my husband can afford to buy new where as I won't be able to. I don't have access to the savings or bank we don't have joint accounts. I would never just take something.
I'm sure if I left with nothing I would be able to get cheap things on free/cheap sights, or I'm sure my parents would help until I get a settlement or sort things.
I know my husband will not want this, he will be shocked as he thinks I will just stay forever and keep putting up with everything but there is only so much you can take. They are both of our children but I know he wouldn't be able to put the time in I can. However he can have them when he wants providing it suits the kids needs

justme111

Guest101 wrote: »

Inetresting debate, happy to discuss more.

So how her talking about visitation here translates in yr mind in not discussing it in the future with him? Why do you say "it needs to be discussed with him "? How in your mind her talking about it to anybody else is negative?
And it is just one tiny aspect from by your big disagreeing post.
I am not going to partake in the debate with you any further as you constantly change the topic ( you said I condoned blokes being short changed , i pointed to you how you selectively read , you started talking about how the law should coincide with public opinion - what one thing has to do with another?
Rhetorical question , it looks like your usual modus operandi is to make accusations to a woman and then continue talking about non related matters as if they were relevant or proving your accusations. So i do not expect any coherent answer.

Guest101

happygirl01 wrote: »

Wow I thought this would help not make me feel any worse. - Hopefully the mxture of responses gives you a balanced view point.
I work from home, I do travel with work across the country once or twice a month. - thanks for clarifying.
I am only giving ideas of access, I do everything because I have to, my husband works for himself so can be flexible but chooses not to be. He won't change his career it's his business.
I feel I'm being reasonable most wife's would keep the marital home and have the husband leave. - You seem to think you can do this legally, you cant. sorry to burst that bubble. I think when you've tried for 15 years and get nothing back I'm entitled to start a fresh. -I think most people agree you are.
I'll be happy to move with nothing I'm not materialistic but I need a few things for the kids. - So not nothing? That's like me saying i can live on nothing for the momth, well as long as my rent, bills and food are paid...
my husband can afford to buy new where as I won't be able to. I don't have access to the savings or bank we don't have joint accounts. I would never just take something. - great.
I'm sure if I left with nothing I would be able to get cheap things on free/cheap sights, or I'm sure my parents would help until I get a settlement or sort things. - no-one is saying you should do this.
I know my husband will not want this, he will be shocked as he thinks I will just stay forever and keep putting up with everything but there is only so much you can take. - well if you dont talk to him, you expect him to be psychic? They are both of our children but I know he wouldn't be able to put the time in I can. However he can have them when he wants providing it suits the kids needs

It's been over 48 hours and i suspect you've not spoken to him? How is a relationship ever supposed to work if you wont speak to him?

Person_one

happygirl01 wrote: »

Wow I thought this would help not make me feel any worse.
I work from home, I do travel with work across the country once or twice a month.
I am only giving ideas of access, I do everything because I have to, my husband works for himself so can be flexible but chooses not to be. He won't change his career it's his business.
I feel I'm being reasonable most wife's would keep the marital home and have the husband leave. I think when you've tried for 15 years and get nothing back I'm entitled to start a fresh.
I'll be happy to move with nothing I'm not materialistic but I need a few things for the kids.
my husband can afford to buy new where as I won't be able to. I don't have access to the savings or bank we don't have joint accounts. I would never just take something.
I'm sure if I left with nothing I would be able to get cheap things on free/cheap sights, or I'm sure my parents would help until I get a settlement or sort things.
I know my husband will not want this, he will be shocked as he thinks I will just stay forever and keep putting up with everything but there is only so much you can take. They are both of our children but I know he wouldn't be able to put the time in I can. However he can have them when he wants providing it suits the kids needs

Have you ever looked into the concept of 'financial abuse'? If not, you may find this interesting.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-32430816

Guest101

justme111 wrote: »

So how her talking about visitation here translates in yr mind in not discussing it in the future with him? Why do you say "it needs to be discussed with him "? - Because there's 2 parents in this! not 1 parent and 37 stragers on the internet!! How in your mind her talking about it to anybody else is negative? - becaue we are not the parent to her children! So it makes NO difference what we think! What matters is what she and he think!
And it is just one tiny aspect from by your big disagreeing post.
I am not going to partake in the debate with you - fair enough, thats up to you. any further as you constantly change the topic -i havent, but ok. Think whatever is best for you. ( you said I condoned blokes being short changed , i pointed to you how you selectively read , you started talking about how the law should coincide with public opinion - what one thing has to do with another? - Im sorry your grasp of the english language isnt able to cope with the fluidity of the conversation. I'll try to explain. You said the OP could leave her husband with nothing. I said i cant belive you would condone this. You said you didnt, but your opinion didnt matter. I replied saying your opinion does matter, as the law should be representative.
Rhetorical question , it looks like your usual modus operandi - I dont have a modus operandi. is to make accusations to a woman - any person, male or female. and then continue talking about non related matters as if they were relevant - Not relevent in your opinion. or proving your accusations. - i've made no accusations, just logical thought processes. So i do not expect any coherent answer.

It would be very egotistic to 'expect' anything. As i previously said you dismiss any opnion which doesnt match yours. It's not a healthy trait.

steph2901

happygirl01 wrote: »

Wow I thought this would help not make me feel any worse.
I work from home, I do travel with work across the country once or twice a month.
I am only giving ideas of access, I do everything because I have to, my husband works for himself so can be flexible but chooses not to be. He won't change his career it's his business.
I feel I'm being reasonable most wife's would keep the marital home and have the husband leave. I think when you've tried for 15 years and get nothing back I'm entitled to start a fresh.
I'll be happy to move with nothing I'm not materialistic but I need a few things for the kids.
my husband can afford to buy new where as I won't be able to. I don't have access to the savings or bank we don't have joint accounts. I would never just take something.
I'm sure if I left with nothing I would be able to get cheap things on free/cheap sights, or I'm sure my parents would help until I get a settlement or sort things.
I know my husband will not want this, he will be shocked as he thinks I will just stay forever and keep putting up with everything but there is only so much you can take. They are both of our children but I know he wouldn't be able to put the time in I can. However he can have them when he wants providing it suits the kids needs

Sounds a bit like my previous marriage. I did everything with the kids and we lived separate lives for years. You'll be much happier when you make that break.

Yes, you are entitled to be happy and don't let anyone tell you differently!

duchy

Some people just like to play devil's advocate.
Others don't realize their own experiences colour their judgments

Realistically if you rent unfurnished (who name is the tenancy in -joint or just one of you). They you own the total sum of the goods jointly so there is nothing to stop you taking up to half although morally it would be better to not take stuff that would make normal living impossible for him.

So the kids bedroom furniture (is jointly yours not theirs) something to sit on and half the kitchen appliances would be fair things to take.
Taking all the beds so he was left with nothing to sleep on- wouldn't be.

As you'll be renting it's probably worth waiting until you've found a property as some things may already be there before deciding what you need.

Depending on your earnings you may be entitled to working tax credit as a single parent as well as child tax credit , possibly also housing benefit- and of course your husband will be legally obligated to pay child support so things may not be as financially difficult as you think. These are things you should be looking into before you leave so you can make/change claims appropriately as soon as you move out.

If all the savings are in his name it might be prudent to make copies (or take photos) of any current or reasonably currrent statements in case he tries to move savings to hide them from your divorce settlement. That's something to discuss with your solicitor though.

You may not want anything for yourself but to sustain a household containing your kids you need to make sure you have what you are entitled to- No reason for them to go short if he chooses to be unhelpful to get back at you.