Help with leaving husband and finances

happygirl01

Thanks for everyones help and advice.
Sorry I didn't mention it was only across town, so it's not far maybe 6 miles, I drive one child to school now and the other gets the bus, so one will be able to walk to school if I move and the other I would still drive. However its near my mum, sisters, everyone and I feel it will be better for us, than living in the small place my husband grew up who knows everyone.
We have a van and a car.
I don't want to argue, I don't want to bad mouth my husband, I just want to be happy, this is the hardest decision I have to make and I'm crying writing this. I know he works so hard and I don't want to take everything off him, but I work hard too and practically am a single mum at the moment, he is 10 years older and he does have a physical job so the savings is some of his retirement, plus an isa and the money in his bank, however I just want something to get myself and the kids set up again. A lot of the stuff in the house I bought with my wages, so there will be things I will take and things I will leave.
I don't want to fall out, but he is very stubborn and can be very aggressive and I am sick of being treated in this way. I've tried for 15 years, it's been hard. I need to think of myself now as well as the kids, as I'm not being treated like a doormat any longer.

clint_S

Wow you're going to be in for a shock, get a good solicitor who is linked to a good barrister.


He is not required to pay you anything above child maintenance until you have a final settlement. The money will be placed into a pot, including all savings, pensions, income, goods like cars and houses. This total pot will then used to negotiate a fair settlement.
If you bought any items whilst in the relationship you can't simply remove them, they are joint assets and he claim the cost of them off any money you receive in a final settlement. He might be willing to gift them to you or you could buy his half of the goods, but don't assume you can simply walk around taking what you like to your new place.


Why do you assume that you will have sole custody of the children? He is entitled to at least joint custody, since your children are of school age I would expect most courts to find in this favour.


This is a good thread about someone going through a divorce. https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4556575

rpc

clint_S wrote: »

If you bought any items whilst in the relationship you can't simply remove them, they are joint assets and he claim the cost of them off any money you receive in a final settlement. He might be willing to gift them to you or you could buy his half of the goods, but don't assume you can simply walk around taking what you like to your new place.

Equally, he can't expect to keep them with him while she moves out. You talk as if the furniture etc is his - it is theirs (as are the savings accounts, retirement investments, etc).

Why do you assume that you will have sole custody of the children? He is entitled to at least joint custody, since your children are of school age I would expect most courts to find in this favour.

The parents are entitled to nothing in this respect (and there is no such thing as "custody" in the UK). It seems clear that OP does most of the child care at present and a court would probably look to continue that by having the kids live with her. A court would also consider that the CHILDREN are entitled to a relationship with both parents and (if the parents can't agree) would order daytime and overnight contact to maintain that relationship.

steph2901

Good luck and hope you manage to sort things out.

clint_S

rpc wrote: »

Equally, he can't expect to keep them with him while she moves out. You talk as if the furniture etc is his - it is theirs (as are the savings accounts, retirement investments, etc).




The parents are entitled to nothing in this respect (and there is no such thing as "custody" in the UK). It seems clear that OP does most of the child care at present and a court would probably look to continue that by having the kids live with her. A court would also consider that the CHILDREN are entitled to a relationship with both parents and (if the parents can't agree) would order daytime and overnight contact to maintain that relationship.

you are stating the same point, furniture is a joint possession neither party owns it unless it was purchased before the marriage. He would also have no rights to remove the furniture but she is stating that she will take object that she believes is hers and they aren't. Removing them with out discussion will backfire on her and it would be better if she discussed what she was going to take.


With childcare it would be worth looking through this CAFCASS document, https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2843/separated_parents_information_programme.pdf


you are assuming the OP does most childcare duties, her husband might disagree, also the OP is planning to move out of the family home, depending on the age of the children and that the partner is not violent or a risk to the children she should not assume that she would automatically be the carer. Unless the can parents decide otherwise the children will reside with whom the courts decide is the best parent, since the children are of at least school age this would usually result in a joint residency, on a 3/4 night basis unless one parent did not wish this or it was not the best interests of the child.


Custody can be decided by court in the UK although residency is unusually agreed, most people use both terms as the same.


Honestly she need to attend mediation with her husband to resolve issues and discuss the children, or even speak to relate if she believes the relationship is worth it, plus speak to a solicitor to discover her rights.

rpc

clint_S wrote: »

you are assuming the OP does most childcare duties, her husband might disagree,

I'm not assuming, I am drawing a conclusion based on what has been posted. It is only one side of the story, but if he doesn't spend very much time with them then it is hard to see how he could claim to be primary or equal carer.

happygirl01

Sorry I should reword some things, I'm not going to just let him wake up one day and I've moved out and have taken every thing, I will discuss however I will take certain things. I am leaving him the house to live in, I am thinking of him and not wanting to leave him homeless, so surely I should be allowed to take few things out of the house that I have purchased to make the move for my kids a little easier. Or would it be better for me to chuck him out and have nothing??
My husband works a lot so would not be possible to share custody. I work from home and travel with work maybe once/twice a month flexibly so I am around all the time. I do school pick ups, plays, drop offs to parties, sports days all on my own.
I am happy for my husband to have access anytime, I even want him to be able to come round for dinner, but for him to be able to work still (he goes out of an evening quoting jobs too) I would think every other weekend pos a fri, sat and sun then a sat, sun mon then maybe 1 night in the week but I am flexible with this. I know our daughter would not want to be away from me for longer than 3 nights, even that will be a struggle for her, she literally spends all her time with me
I am going to discuss everything with my husband, but I have made my decision and I am doing the right thing for my family. It's not a family when you and your kids are sitting upstairs watching tv and your husband is downstairs. He makes our life very difficult.

Guest101

happygirl01 wrote: »

Sorry I should reword some things, I'm not going to just let him wake up one day and I've moved out and have taken every thing, I will discuss - Good. however I will take certain things. - which you must both agree to. I am leaving him the house to live in, - That's your choice. I am thinking of him and not wanting to leave him homeless, - Not sure how you would? so surely I should be allowed to take few things out of the house - yes, which is why it's been said you need to discuss and agree. that I have purchased to make the move for my kids a little easier. - But he will need things for when the kids stay with him? Or would it be better for me to chuck him out and have nothing?? - How would you accomplish such a thing?
My husband works a lot so would not be possible to share custody. - He may decide to change jobs? I work from home and travel with work maybe once/twice a month flexibly so I am around all the time. - And? I do school pick ups, plays, drop offs to parties, sports days all on my own. - Currently, as you currently have an understanding of who does what.
I am happy for my husband to have access anytime, -great, he'll probably need beds for the kids etc. I even want him to be able to come round for dinner, - if he wants to spend time with you of course. but for him to be able to work still (he goes out of an evening quoting jobs too) - he may decide to change his career. I would think every other weekend pos a fri, sat and sun then a sat, sun mon then maybe 1 night in the week but I am flexible with this. - It's great how you're making all these decisions for him... I know our daughter would not want to be away from me for longer than 3 nights, - nor I suspect would she want to be away from her father for that time... even that will be a struggle for her, she literally spends all her time with me - clearly because you work from home.
I am going to discuss everything with my husband, - once you've made all the decisions, you're going to tell him what you've decided. but I have made my decision and I am doing the right thing for my family. - for yourself. It's not a family when you and your kids are sitting upstairs watching tv and your husband is downstairs. - Even from what I've read here I wouldn't blame him, I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who's quite so decisive on family matters. He makes our life very difficult.

Given we've only heard what you have to say and not your husband, this view can only be based on your words.


You are coming across as quite controlling. There's no scope for discussion, you've planned it all out already and made the decisions for your husband.


The alternative according to your words is you would 'kick him out', which would be interesting as I'm not sure how you think you'd accomplish such a thing.


But it does show that it's your way, or no way.

tea_lover

Guest, we get it.... in your world all women that want to separate from their husbands are evil harpies who want to bankrupt their ex's and deny all access to children. Do you really need to keep posting the same thing?

Guest101

tea_lover wrote: »

Guest, we get it.... in your world all women that want to separate from their husbands are evil harpies who want to bankrupt their ex's and deny all access to children. Do you really need to keep posting the same thing?

We don't agree, which isn't a problem for me. I don't expect to agree with everyone, the world would be very boring if we all did that.


However do you have to belittle my opinion like you have just done so?


I haven't copied and pasted a generic phrase or set of phrases, I have engaged with what the OP has said, responded where I felt appropriate. I haven't targeted other people and claimed that their view is not valid, that their opinion is worthless because they post similar messages in these types of threads. Quite often the same poster will post similar messages, does that make their opinion invalid?


To clarify, no, in my world not all women who want to leave their husband are x, y and or z. I take each scenario as individual and comment as such. If you feel my comment is not with-in the scope of the forum, feel free to report it. But just because it is not what you think doesn't mean you can dictate to me.


So I put it to you, do you need to keep posting the same thing?