How well do you know your partner?

pickledonionspaceraider

pigpen wrote: »

It's irrelevant to who we are now...

With the greatest respect pigpen, I could not disagree more.

Your past is hugely relevant to who you are now, as we are all shaped by our past - some more noticeably than others but each piece of the jigsaw of our lives has led us to the bigger picture that is visible today and you can not escape where you came here from, your past

For example why a person may dislike Christmas as during their childhood, the christmases were unhappy times - it helps to see that they are just not a grinch but to understand.

duchy

AubreyMac wrote: »

I understand nobody outrightly asks "were you adopted, etc" out of the blue, but asking things like "did you enjoy having a younger sibling/being an only child" or "what was she/he like as a parent" is just normal questions in conversations? Also, bringing things up from your childhood can be quite normal too especially when you see something that triggers memories.

Perhaps though, I am just used to asking personal questions in my work and I myself am quite open anyway (to my detriment at times).

Why is it so important to you ?
The person could have had an unhappy childhood - abuse, orphaned, in care etc and doesn't talk about it - or even see their marriage as a new chapter in life and is a looking forward and never look back personality.

Most of what I know about my Mum's childhood came from other family members not her -Her childhood wasn't especially happy - and she left her country at nineteen to make a fresh start -worked hard, married had kids and was well respected in her work and had good friends. She didn't dwell on the past- but focused on her happier present. I don't think my Dad knew any more detail than I did . She wasn't secretive about it - just never raised it as a topic of conversation - and really wasn't interested in going on about herself anyway.

AubreyMac

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Your past is hugely relevant to who you are now, as we are all shaped by our past - some more noticeably than others but each piece of the jigsaw of our lives has led us to the bigger picture that is visible today and you can not escape where you came here from, your past

For example why a person may dislike Christmas as during their childhood, the christmases were unhappy times - it helps to see that they are just not a grinch but to understand.

This is exactly why I ask such questions.

Someone questioned what job would ask someone such personal stuff.

I work for an adoption agency and I deal with the first stages when applying to adopt. The most important thing to look for when assessing prospective adopters is whether they can meet the needs of children who are available to adopt. Lots can meet practical needs like breakfast, school, dinner and bedtime, but not many are naturally emotionally in tune with children, especially ones who are damaged, been abused, neglected, witnessed awful things and experienced loss (of natural and foster family) at such a young age. Looking into someone past is important as then I can see how they deal with trauma, loss etc which will give a better insight at how they will cope with a child who is likely to, later on, shows signs of loss/damage and may even reject the adopters for a long time at first. Because of this, we reject around 50% of applicants as they all want straight forward healthy babies who are just relinquished by teen parents! Even with the ones we do take on, only a few end up with successful adoptions.

But with my previous partner (before I started my current job), I may not know of every minute detail of his childhood but just through conversation and meeting his family, questions and discussions naturally come up.

AubreyMac

duchy wrote: »

Why is it so important to you ?
The person could have had an unhappy childhood - abuse, orphaned, in care etc and doesn't talk about it - or even see their marriage as a new chapter in life and is a looking forward and never look back personality.

Most of what I know about my Mum's childhood came from other family members not her -Her childhood wasn't especially happy - and she left her country at nineteen to make a fresh start -worked hard, married had kids and was well respected in her work and had good friends. She didn't dwell on the past- but focused on her happier present. I don't think my Dad knew any more detail than I did . She wasn't secretive about it - just never raised it as a topic of conversation - and really wasn't interested in going on about herself anyway.

Natural curiosity with a partner I guess.

Sure, I understand people can only reveal what they are comfortable with but I'm doubtful i'd be able to form a deep bond or build full trust with a partner who isn't going to be open, and attachment & trust is important to me.

I don't know anything about my parents history either, they came to the UK as refugees and don't want to talk about it. I have no idea which year they arrived here. I think mum and dad reacted differently though. My mum is very closed off and emotionally distant, makes light of everything and I can never be sure if she means what she says. My dad however sees the positive in everything and always count his blessings. No surprise that me and my siblings are closer to our dad.

gettingtheresometime

I thought I knew why hubby went to Uni (talking 30yrs ago)

Only a chance conversion a few months ago did he tell me the real reason.

Mrs_Ryan

My boyfriend's mum walked out when he was two. He doesn't talk much about his childhood. He told me recently the name of the school he attended, and I know how many CSE's and O-Levels he got. I know he wasn't happy when he was younger and he has a lot of anger about it so I guess he's blocked it out. I asked him once where he was born, he could only name the city in which we still live, he knows he was born in hospital but doesn't know which one which I think is a bit sad.
He knows everything about me- about my childhood, where I grew up and everything but I don't think he would remember the name of my school or college or my GCSE or A Level grades. He could name the city I was born in but not the hospital. We know a lot about each other but it's all recent stuff, important stuff. He knows how to comfort me when I'm poorly which is important and I know what he struggles with in life and how to help him.

System

Thinking about it, i don;t know a great deal of my bf's childhood or past. I think the most info i;ve gotten out of him was what his GCSE and A level results were And i;ve never really talked about my past, but that's mainly cos a huge chunk of it is ridiculously depressing, and he already knows the general crux of my MH problems without me wanting to go and relive the rest of it. Doesnt really bother me tbh. I'm very much of the opinion that you can't change the past, and you can't predict the future, you can only live the present and you should enjoy what you have.

Blackpool_Saver

I blame all this mindfulness, all this living in the moment ;-)

Tropez

I know what she's told me and I don't know what she hasn't told me.

I'd love to be able to say I know everything about her, but the chances are that I don't.

duchy

The thought that a social worker who is supposed to be a professional would discuss a client in any way on a public forum even in very general terms is quite startling. I study alongside future social workers and they tell me this wouldn't be acceptable at all according to their ethics and professional conduct module.

From the detail you've given it would be possible for your client to identify herself and raise a formal complaint.