feeling really put out

heuchera

If there were no children involved I would say of course it's none of his business who the woman goes out with (or shares a bed with) but as there are currently three, - two she's had by the first man, and one by the OP, I think she should be acting a bit more responsibly.

The children's needs, not to mention safety, must come first.

FBaby

but my ex is very 'open' about things so i have no reason to doubt this information, and what they was told is "she is going to meet him for the first time tonight because he is coming to stay overnight"

I've just realised that the first time my kids met my OH, he stayed overnight to. If I'd forgotten it is because it was a total non-issue and if it wasn't an issue, it was because I had spoken to them so much about him, it was as if they already knew him. They looked forward to meeting 'mummy's boyfriend' and they got along brilliantly. They were certainly not traumatised by the event.

We were together for 5 years, living together for 3 before we married.

justme111

Op , what you trying to do is to control your ec
You may say it is not till the cows come home but that is why you flipping now - because she did not do what you think would be right but done what she thought right. We all have our own ideas of what is right and I am with you in your view of how it should been (apart from telling you she has a boyfriend- I don't see why she should and I understand why she did not. You demonstrated it in this thread , you would been questioning her on how she is going to introduce him and whether he sleeps over and so on. No matter what my or your view is , she has done what she thought right and unless it put your child in danger you have no right to dictate her what and how to do. You chosen to have child with her , you have to eat that she will take far more important decsions about your child than whether there will be a man sleeping in the same house. I wish you always have opportunity like this to calm down before you say or do something as if not you will have many bitter times which will impact on you and your child negatively

VfM4meplse

FBaby wrote: »

Why should she? Things might become serious with this man and he might indeed move in one day, in which case, it is much better than OP'd DD gets used to him in her life and vice-versa.

You reckon? She's having sex with another whilst still married to the OP after all. She could have at least waited to formally end one relationship before starting another.

My bet is this will be the first in a long line of "uncles".

And yes, both adult males and children do wake in the night to pee. Esp post-coitally (men, not children). Do you think Mr Horny packs his PJs with him? So the risk of exposure is real.

justme111

VfM4meplse wrote: »

You reckon? She's having sex with another whilst still married to the OP after all. She could have at least waited to formally end one relationship before starting another.

My bet is this will be the first in a long line of "uncles".

And yes, both adult males and children do wake in the night to pee. Esp post-coitally (men, not children). Do you think Mr Horny packs his PJs with him? So the risk of exposure is real.

Indeed , everything is wrong. I suppose it starts with op , ex and most of others having sex while not married.
And the horror of exposure could really be prevented by no adult males using the same toilet (or ever staying in the same house to be sure ) as children. Now , should we include females as well - after all it is discriminatory to do it with males only..

Jagraf

VfM4meplse wrote: »

You reckon? She's having sex with another whilst still married to the OP after all. She could have at least waited to formally end one relationship before starting another.

My bet is this will be the first in a long line of "uncles".

And yes, both adult males and children do wake in the night to pee. Esp post-coitally (men, not children). Do you think Mr Horny packs his PJs with him? So the risk of exposure is real.

Is this a serious post? Uncles? Mr horny? Exposure? Just because a couple have separated doesn't mean they become less able to look after their children. No one actually knows what goes on in personal relationships and it's no one else's business - trying to be too demanding of what an ex is doing can ruin the communication link and that is what is detrimental to the child.

Not all men are thoughtless either, some are very capable of managing situations like going for a pee in the night. Indeed, some even have chikdren of their own.

gonzo127

justme111 wrote: »

Op , what you trying to do is to control your ec
You may say it is not till the cows come home but that is why you flipping now - because she did not do what you think would be right but done what she thought right. We all have our own ideas of what is right and I am with you in your view of how it should been (apart from telling you she has a boyfriend- I don't see why she should and I understand why she did not. You demonstrated it in this thread , you would been questioning her on how she is going to introduce him and whether he sleeps over and so on. No matter what my or your view is , she has done what she thought right and unless it put your child in danger you have no right to dictate her what and how to do. You chosen to have child with her , you have to eat that she will take far more important decsions about your child than whether there will be a man sleeping in the same house. I wish you always have opportunity like this to calm down before you say or do something as if not you will have many bitter times which will impact on you and your child negatively

i think 'control' is a little bit of a harsh phrase, as all i am asking is to have a heads up on something that could very easily have a negative impact on my daughter, so that i can prepare for any questions or concerns she may have. i do not think that is to much to ask and it is something i will do when the time arrives.

as far as danger goes, i also think that is a harsh word as i do not believe that my ex would put her in danger, once again i am worried about the emotional well being of my daughter due to the potential 'shock' of her finding out, meeting and having her mums new boyfriend stay over all in the same evening, as i think that's quiet a bit for a 7 year old to take in and fully process properly.

i am also worried what will happen if this all falls apart now that she has met him, and how that might affect her. As i previously said i know in the last 7 months my ex has had (at least, including this one) 4 boyfriends, each lasting between 4 and 6 weeks and this current one she has only known for 2 months - to me that seems rather rushed, for such a full on introduction.

yes i know, no matter what my feelings are about thing, i have no say in how she lives her life, but still feel it is just a matter of common courtesy to let the other parent know about such a big life change within their child's life.

as to having time before i say anything - i am a brooder, so i dont normally say or do anything till i have had time to think things through, however it can effect me i know, because i go into myself to think about things so am not my normal happy self whilst i am working through my thoughts and feelings.

Jagraf

Op - I know it's your decision, and I hope it works out for you x

In my experiene, the best thing my ex and I did to salvage the communication channel was to leave each other's personal lives alone. He left me whilst he was having an affair when my daughter was two and I met my now husband shortly after, so our daughter, who is now 16, had all sorts of new people in her life on both sides (four grannies and grandads!). We hardly speak except for logistics - I dislike him, but I never questioned what he did with our daughter as it works both ways - I didn't want him questioning what I did. I trusted that he gad her welfare at heart - that's all I needed to know. He did lots of things I disagreed with, but I am sure it was the same the other way round.

Daughter had turned out secure and is doing her a levels, and has a relationship with lots of people on both sides. she gets in with her life and what us oldies do is of little interest to her really.

Best of luck.

Jagraf

PS I like your brand challenge. I swapped supermarkets and I'm saving about £40 a week. But that's not the topic of this thread. Lol.

FBaby

And yes, both adult males and children do wake in the night to pee. Esp post-coitally (men, not children). Do you think Mr Horny packs his PJs with him? So the risk of exposure is real.

I didn't know it was that difficult to put on a boxer short and t-shirt if required. Funnily, I am not keen on my kids seeing me naked either, so somehow have always managed to do so if I thought I could run into them in the night when I happened to be naked in bed!!

once again i am worried about the emotional well being of my daughter due to the potential 'shock' of her finding out, meeting and having her mums new boyfriend stay over all in the same evening, as i think that's quiet a bit for a 7 year old to take in and fully process properly.

The problem is, you don't know what your ex has told your DD. Maybe she had a long conversation to her about him so that his staying over won't come a shock at all, on the opposite, she might look forward to it.
Same with the fact it might not last. Any serious relationship might not last, so can't avoid them all on this basis. After my OH met my kids and they asked me if he was going to move in with us, I explained to them that I didn't know what the future would bring and that I would be taking things as they came. I reminded them that no matter what, they would always come first, but that hopefully, it would all work out.