feeling really put out

Person_one

Are you sure your daughter is even aware of the new boyfriend?

It's bound to be difficult learning to live with a 'new normal' where what your ex does is basically nothing to do with you, but setting out to hurt her is not the way to make the transition easier!

She could be dreading talking to you about it (from your reaction I wouldn't blame her!) but you could be the bigger person by broaching the subject first and in a positive 'what can I do to help daughter with this situation?' way rather than an angry accusatory way.

selloptape

My ex told me when he met someone new and I told him when I was in a relationship. Neither of us wanted to put our son in the awkward position of having to tell the other parent that mum/dad was seeing someone, or make him feel that he'd have to hide it if that makes sense. I think we are unusual being that amicable though!

It's very tough trying to transition from a family unit to a split family, you just have to find a way that works for your daughter - sometimes that does mean rising above everything even if you're feeling hurt and angry.

whitewing

You will do what you think is best for when your child is with you. Your ex will do what she thinks is best. But sometimes best will be one of a number of 'joint best' options and sometimes it will be 'least worse' option. You and your ex have separate lives now. It is a bit like dealing with grandparents. You know that they love her but they won't always do what you think they should, they will sometimes not tell you what they do, they may even ask the child not to tell you something, they will probably make mistakes. But they will love her dearly. I am using this purely to demonstrate that you are separate households with separate needs/desires and living arrangements. It is simply not practical to expect to be consulted even on every 'major' decision. Or quite simply, she is not going to stop what feels right to her at the time to text you for permission. I remember feeling furious that DS' dad had cut his hair without asking me. He hardly saw his dad so it seemed that he was picking and choosing the fathering. But it wasn't so important in the grand scheme of things.


It does get a million times worse when you are discussing the situation with other people.

gonzo127

Person_one wrote: »

Are you sure your daughter is even aware of the new boyfriend?

It's bound to be difficult learning to live with a 'new normal' where what your ex does is basically nothing to do with you, but setting out to hurt her is not the way to make the transition easier!

She could be dreading talking to you about it (from your reaction I wouldn't blame her!) but you could be the bigger person by broaching the subject first and in a positive 'what can I do to help daughter with this situation?' way rather than an angry accusatory way.

yes I know my daughter is aware and met him, and I know my reaction has unhelpful hence wanting perspective on here before seeing either of them, just find it frustrating being kept out of the loop on something which could have such a major impact on my daughter as that's what's for me so angry, I really don't mind that she has moved on and am actually happy for her, just that I haven't been spoken too about such a potenially major change to my daughter's life

Person_one

Realistically, what would be different if she did talk to you beforehand though?

Hedgehog99

Depends how old your daughter is and whether she understands their relationship. If he's just "Mummy's friend" then she'd be none the wiser.

I would, however, want to know that he is never left alone with your daughter, from the POV of being responsible for her safety and in case anything is alleged on either side.

POPPYOSCAR

I agree it would have been good if she had let you know she was in a relationship and introduced him to you.


I feel it is important that you know who is around your child and you are a good an caring father.


But as this is not the case it is no good getting angry with her. Try to discuss this calmly with her and explain that it is important to you that you meet with someone who may become a big part of your child's life.


As for citing adultery on the divorce why would you do this? No body really cares anymore it is just a formality. If it would upset your ex why create problems for yourself? Better to maintain a good working relationship with her for your long term benefit but more importantly for the sake of your child.


I have seen first hand the damage done to children when parents are at war with each other.


Please do not let it happen to your child.

whitewing

Hedgehog99 wrote: »

I would, however, want to know that he is never left alone with your daughter, from the POV of being responsible for her safety and in case anything is alleged on either side.

That isn't realistic though, is it?

Again, you need to trust that the people who care for your daughter are continually monitoring the situation - not hypervigilance, just that they would be aware and take prompt action if something begins to be off.


Your child will tell you pretty much anything unless they are fearful of causing trouble.

gonzo127

Person_one wrote: »

Realistically, what would be different if she did talk to you beforehand though?

to be honest probably no difference, I would have suggested her meeting her outside of her home so that she could get to know him before he stayed over with her mum, but I know I can't stop anything just would be nice to be told of a major change to her life.

As to her age she's 7, and from what I have heard she knows he is mummy boyfriend so Will understand a little about things.

And yes I will see what happens on wednesday, and I will be calm about things, just really frustrated as when I met her she had two kids from her previous marriage and we took things really slowly with them with me not meeting them for around 8 months and then when we did it was only for a few hours at a time over the course of months before I stayed over when they was there and she did speak to her ex before I met the kids just so he knew, yet with me nothing, really frustrated and a bit worried about the way it has happened as it feels rushed in comparison to what we went through with her other kids

whitewing

But your daughter will know from her half siblings that mummies sometimes don't stay with daddies.

Maybe with the benefit of hindsight your ex feels that taking longer over it made no real difference.

It is more likely that him staying over just happened and wasn't planned. How do you know that he didn't sneak out before the children awoke?

Maybe on a practical level it was easier for your ex to date you without the children being present? Do you mess her around with contact? (I am not being antagonistic, just saying it is a different situation).

My son's ex worked abroad at the time but it still upset his mother when I moved house without discussing it with him first. But he wasn't there, and anyway it was not his decision. His input would not have made any difference to what I needed to do because of childcare considerations and other things.

I didn't do things to make his dad's life difficult but I am sure he thought I did.