feeling really put out

Jagraf

OP there will be zillions of things you won't inform each other about, worrying it will impact your daughter. You will go mad if you worry about them all.

So long as you trust your ex with your daughters safety, let her worry about her decisions when she has her, and you worry about yours. Otherwise you will fall out and that is likely to be worse.

Jagraf

VfM4meplse wrote: »

OP, in your position I would feel very cross but helpless after the event. I would not want a horny naked man anywhere in the vicinity of my child, much less sharing a bathroom with her.

Hindsight is a gift few of us have...but the OP demonstrates exactly why ground rules of expectations need to be laid down at the start of the separation. Any responsible parent would have given this some thought before inviting a new partner to share their bed. It wouldn't have killed the OP's wife to have arranged for their daughter to be looked after by someone else that night.

If this is genuinely about the welfare of your daughter and untainted by jealousy, speak to your wife about making alternative arranements for DD - ideally with you - when she wants time with her new love interest.

How many years should you do this for? In my experience, trusting each parent to live their own lives is much better for an amicable separation than discussing every scenario. It reminds me of people who have meetings for meetings sake. I can't even imagine discussing my relationships with my ex, nor him mine.

You have a vivid imagination

gonzo127

Jagraf wrote: »

OP there will be zillions of things you won't inform each other about, worrying it will impact your daughter. You will go mad if you worry about them all.

So long as you trust your ex with your daughters safety, let her worry about her decisions when she has her, and you worry about yours. Otherwise you will fall out and that is likely to be worse.

oh i don't worry about the little things as i know there will be many, but the introduction of a new potential father figure in my daughters life feels big enough to be something common courtesy would cover for being something to be informed about, and if my friends hadn't asked me how i feel about her having met my ex's new boyfriend when he stayed over the other night, i would not have known about it till my daughter tells me about it on Wednesday when i have her over.

also feels a tad unfair on my daughter to have her put in a situation in which she could be the one telling me about meeting her mums new boyfriend first

Jagraf

gonzo127 wrote: »

oh i don't worry about the little things as i know there will be many, but the introduction of a new potential father figure in my daughters life feels big enough to be something common courtesy would cover for being something to be informed about, and if my friends hadn't asked me how i feel about her having met my ex's new boyfriend when he stayed over the other night, i would not have known about it till my daughter tells me about it on Wednesday when i have her over.

also feels a tad unfair on my daughter to have her put in a situation in which she could be the one telling me about meeting her mums new boyfriend first

He probably won't be a father figure - she's 7 and knows who her dad is. That is your insecurity . Your daughter will probably not really be worried about it either as she won't really be thinking of your feelings and more interested in her own life and friendships etc. why would she - she sounds like a secure little girl who is loved a lot.

Stevie_Palimo

gonzo127 wrote: »

oh i don't worry about the little things as i know there will be many, but the introduction of a new potential father figure in my daughters life feels big enough to be something common courtesy would cover for being something to be informed about, and if my friends hadn't asked me how i feel about her having met my ex's new boyfriend when he stayed over the other night, i would not have known about it till my daughter tells me about it on Wednesday when i have her over.

also feels a tad unfair on my daughter to have her put in a situation in which she could be the one telling me about meeting her mums new boyfriend first

I believe this is about the way you both interact with each other so if you are concerned about the situation then it would be a good idea to sit your ex down and explain calmly how you feel about it and ask that she uses common courtesy with you in future by bringing these things up for a discussion between you both.

You should also do the same here as well and when and if you have a new partner discuss it as well with her when the time is right and you believe that you would also like to introduce a new partner into your child's life.

pollyanna24

gonzo127 wrote: »

Thanks all, I guess you are right, I just want to be part of all things in regards to what's happening with my daughter, as something like this does have the potential to seriously upset her and effect her, especially if I hadn't found out about it from our friends it would have been a major surprise for me on Wednesday which could have spoilt the time we have together and also effect her due to my reaction,

Especially as from what I know my ex has only been seeing this guy for about three months so introducing him to her for the first time when he is staying over just seems a little quick and extreme to me as if it was me I would do introductions first on a day out so she gets to know them before having them stay over, maybe it's just me being old fashioned and over protective but it's just the way I would think would be best

I don't know how old your daughter is, but was she even aware that someone stayed over?

Your ex might have invited him around after she went to bed and he went off to work before she woke up in the morning?

EDITED: Okay, I've now read the whole post and know how old your daughter is. And that she was aware.

My ex did a similar thing to this, and yes I was annoyed. But I probably had no right to be.

It's not something I would do to my two daughters myself, that's not the way I would want them to meet my bf for the first time, but each to their own.

pollyanna24

whitewing wrote: »

You will do what you think is best for when your child is with you. Your ex will do what she thinks is best. But sometimes best will be one of a number of 'joint best' options and sometimes it will be 'least worse' option. You and your ex have separate lives now. It is a bit like dealing with grandparents. You know that they love her but they won't always do what you think they should, they will sometimes not tell you what they do, they may even ask the child not to tell you something, they will probably make mistakes. But they will love her dearly. I am using this purely to demonstrate that you are separate households with separate needs/desires and living arrangements. It is simply not practical to expect to be consulted even on every 'major' decision. Or quite simply, she is not going to stop what feels right to her at the time to text you for permission. I remember feeling furious that DS' dad had cut his hair without asking me. He hardly saw his dad so it seemed that he was picking and choosing the fathering. But it wasn't so important in the grand scheme of things.

It does get a million times worse when you are discussing the situation with other people.

I get angry if my ex does stuff like cut my daughters' hair without asking me as I think this is something that should be discussed as you are both the parents.

My ex cut my girls' hair, but he asked/warned me beforehand.

He is against them getting their ears pierced at the moment, so even though the 7yr old wants this, and I don't mind, I'm not doing it as he doesn't want me to.

Mutual respect I think this is. If I was just to get their ears pierced against his wishes, he might do something to spite me like get their hair cut up to their chin.

gonzo127

Jagraf wrote: »

He probably won't be a father figure - she's 7 and knows who her dad is. That is your insecurity . Your daughter will probably not really be worried about it either as she won't really be thinking of your feelings and more interested in her own life and friendships etc. why would she - she sounds like a secure little girl who is loved a lot.

i would argue this, my step daughter knows who her dad is, and does have contact with him, was 7 when i first came into her life, however even though i no longer live with her mum, i still see her more than her dad does, i am the one she still calls on if she needs help (in fact she calls me instead of her mum for some things), i am a dad to her, and do love her as my own daughter.

so if this guy is a good person he WILL become a father figure to her, or at least thats what i would hope, that he would care and love her enough that he will be there for her no matter what.

Jagraf

gonzo127 wrote: »

i would argue this, my step daughter knows who her dad is, and does have contact with him, was 7 when i first came into her life, however even though i no longer live with her mum, i still see her more than her dad does, i am the one she still calls on if she needs help (in fact she calls me instead of her mum for some things), i am a dad to her, and do love her as my own daughter.

so if this guy is a good person he WILL become a father figure to her, or at least thats what i would hope, that he would care and love her enough that he will be there for her no matter what.

I understand what you mean (my daughters stepdad is her dad because her biological father didn't play his part) but most don't become father figures, just an additional part of a child's life.

burlington6

Well you now know what to do when you have someone stay over.

I bet she flipps out