feeling really put out

gonzo127

think i need some perspective as at the moment i am really angry.

ok basically me and my ex split up at the start of the year, and i moved out in May, anyways things have been relatively amicable, however i have just found out that she has had her new boyfriend stay over night whilst my daughter was in the house - the thing that's pi$sing me off right now is that my ex didn't speak to me about it first - in fact she hasn't even 'officially' told me that she has a boyfriend and i only know because of joint friends on facebook as she posted that she was in a relationship at the start of october.

now is it reasonable to expect that a non resident parent is spoken to first before something as major as introducing a new boyfriend to their child, or do people think its reasonable for something like that to be kept a secret from them?

at the moment i know i am not being totally reasonable in my thought patterns as i am thinking that i start divorce proceedings on adultery terms now (as i know from a previous thread that it is legally adultery as we are still legally married) as i know that will hurt her as her first husband cheated on her. but i also know its likely to make things less amicable if i go down that route, but i am just soo blooming angry that she has made such a major choice for our child without first speaking to me about it

ognum

Just my opinion, I don't think she has to discuss it with you.

74jax

I don't think she has to discuss it with you, but equally I don't think you need to discuss with her.

sassyblue

Difficult as it is l don't think it's anything to do with you, unless this new relationship negatively affects your daughter in any way.

Isn't it possible it's the fact that she's moving on and you're not the first person she's going to confide in first that's bothering you most?

restless6

Would you tell her if you had a girlfriend?

gonzo127

Well I just thought it would be reasonable to discuss such a potentially major change to our child's life with her father, but thank you for your thoughts as I said I need some perspective on this as I am just really angry that she hasn't even told me she's in a relationship meaning I will officially hear about this for the first time when I have my daughter on Wednesday from her

balletshoes

why do you officially need to be told by anyone? You know, and it won't come as a surprise to you when/if your daughter mentions it. I really don't see the big deal with this, sorry. At least having heard about it now, you'll be able to be calm by Wednesday, right?

whitewing

She doesn't need to discuss it with you first. I do understand that you would be upset that she didn't, as I would be, but you are separated. You need to learn to trust that she will still do as best she can for the child in the circumstances you both are in. She will go through similar emotions probably when you start introducing the child to people she doesn't know.

Don't divorce her using adultery. It may be technically true. But try and act with dignity and compassion for your child's sake. At some point be it in a few years or a few decades you will probably have to discuss the split with your child.

Sorry that it feels so difficult. I have know these situations happening much sooner after a split, as most people I know who have split up with children involved have spent a long time letting the marriage limp along before a split.

Alikay

One new boyfriend staying over after being separated from you for 7 months doesn't seem to me as though your DD is being put at risk in any way. Obviously a stream of one-night-stands or a partner with drink/drugs/violence issues would indicate a problem, but from what you say I don't think it's any of your business.

The divorce thing is a separate matter: If you believe that it's adultery then the law is on your side. However, if you've had sexual contact (excuse the Jeremy-Kyleism:o) with anyone since separating, I think you'd be a hypocrite to cite that. If you've both admitted the relationship is over, moved out and are in the process of arranging a divorce it seems spiteful and unhelpful - it may be legally cheating but emotionally it's more like starting a new relationship after the old one has ended.

gonzo127

Thanks all, I guess you are right, I just want to be part of all things in regards to what's happening with my daughter, as something like this does have the potential to seriously upset her and effect her, especially if I hadn't found out about it from our friends it would have been a major surprise for me on Wednesday which could have spoilt the time we have together and also effect her due to my reaction,

Especially as from what I know my ex has only been seeing this guy for about three months so introducing him to her for the first time when he is staying over just seems a little quick and extreme to me as if it was me I would do introductions first on a day out so she gets to know them before having them stay over, maybe it's just me being old fashioned and over protective but it's just the way I would think would be best

gonzo127

restless6 wrote: »

Would you tell her if you had a girlfriend?

well if I was planning on introducing them then yes, so my ex could be prepared for questions and any concerns my daughter may have, just feel it's the decent thing to do