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feeling really put out
Comments
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think i need some perspective as at the moment i am really angry.
ok basically me and my ex split up at the start of the year, and i moved out in May, anyways things have been relatively amicable, however i have just found out that she has had her new boyfriend stay over night whilst my daughter was in the house - the thing that's pi$sing me off right now is that my ex didn't speak to me about it first - in fact she hasn't even 'officially' told me that she has a boyfriend and i only know because of joint friends on facebook as she posted that she was in a relationship at the start of october.
now is it reasonable to expect that a non resident parent is spoken to first before something as major as introducing a new boyfriend to their child, or do people think its reasonable for something like that to be kept a secret from them?
at the moment i know i am not being totally reasonable in my thought patterns as i am thinking that i start divorce proceedings on adultery terms now (as i know from a previous thread that it is legally adultery as we are still legally married) as i know that will hurt her as her first husband cheated on her. but i also know its likely to make things less amicable if i go down that route, but i am just soo blooming angry that she has made such a major choice for our child without first speaking to me about it
Nope. It's none of your business, anymore than it would be appropriate for you to have to ask permission from her to go on a date or sleep with somebody, let alone whether that person stays the night when you've got the LO.I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
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thanks all, i will just let it go, its just i am just worried that this is the small end of a wedge with secrets around things with my daughter, i really dont care what my ex does with her life and have not said a single thing about the other three guys i know she has been with since we split - my ex isnt exactly quiet about things with the people we both know let alone my step daughter (who is 18) who comes over to stay with me as well every now and then.
just worried that if there is anything else which could impact my daughter that she will keep from me as well, just leaving me in the dark, as i see it, we are still both her parents and should have at least some heads up on things which could negatively impact on her.
also a bit worried that as she hasn't told me about it, she will tell my daughter not to tell me about him as well, so encouraging her to keep secrets from me.
although i do take on board what you are saying about trusting her, and it being her life, so none of my business, but to me its just common courtesy to let the other parent know of any major life changes happening to their child, especially when all it would take is a text, or even better and small word last week when we went to my daughters sharing assembly together.
as to contact - nope no messing around, we have a set schedule which i keep to religiously, i am even the one who is trying to be organised and have been pushing to organise Christmas and all the other holiday arrangements for months just so my daughter can know what is going to happenDrop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
OP, in your position I would feel very cross but helpless after the event. I would not want a horny naked man anywhere in the vicinity of my child, much less sharing a bathroom with her.
Hindsight is a gift few of us have...but the OP demonstrates exactly why ground rules of expectations need to be laid down at the start of the separation. Any responsible parent would have given this some thought before inviting a new partner to share their bed. It wouldn't have killed the OP's wife to have arranged for their daughter to be looked after by someone else that night.
If this is genuinely about the welfare of your daughter and untainted by jealousy, speak to your wife about making alternative arranements for DD - ideally with you - when she wants time with her new love interest.Value-for-money-for-me-puhleeze!
"No man is worth, crawling on the earth"- adapted from Bob Crewe and Bob Gaudio
Hope is not a strategy...A child is for life, not just 18 years....Don't get me started on the NHS, because you won't win...I love chaz-ing!0 -
but i also know its likely to make things less amicable if i go down that route, but i am just soo blooming angry that she has made such a major choice for our child without first speaking to me about it
I don't think she should have been speaking to you about it, but she should indeed, out of respect, informed you that this had happened.
I expect she didn't though because of how you reacted and that you would have had the same reaction of anger if she had informed you telling her that she would have considered this with you first.
If I were you, I would tell her in a friendly manner that you understand her boyfriend has moved in, that you are genuinely happy for her, and ask her how she would feel about maybe meeting with him so that everything can be friendly and positive in the future although you would understand if he didn't feel comfortable with this suggestion. You might want to be wait until there is no residual of your anger though before you do, as any of it will express itself, even if not in a spoken way.0 -
I've just realised, he hasn't actually move in, just staying over. Then I think you are indeed being totally unreasonable. Surely she can invite anyone over especially as your daughter knows of the nature of the relationship.
Why are you assuming he is horny and walks around naked? Talk about jumping to conclusions!I would not want a horny naked man anywhere in the vicinity of my child, much less sharing a bathroom with her.
Why should she? Things might become serious with this man and he might indeed move in one day, in which case, it is much better than OP'd DD gets used to him in her life and vice-versa. Are you suggesting that he never stays over when she is there, so that it can be thrown at her one day that he is now living with them full-time whether she likes it or not?speak to your wife about making alternative arranements for DD - ideally with you - when she wants time with her new love interest.0 -
VfM4meplse wrote: »OP, in your position I would feel very cross but helpless after the event. I would not want a horny naked man anywhere in the vicinity of my child, much less sharing a bathroom with her.
Hindsight is a gift few of us have...but the OP demonstrates exactly why ground rules of expectations need to be laid down at the start of the separation. Any responsible parent would have given this some thought before inviting a new partner to share their bed. It wouldn't have killed the OP's wife to have arranged for their daughter to be looked after by someone else that night.
If this is genuinely about the welfare of your daughter and untainted by jealousy, speak to your wife about making alternative arranements for DD - ideally with you - when she wants time with her new love interest.
haha, no, there is no jealousy, as i said, i have no problems with her having seen the other guys, and i really don't mind that she is seeing this guy, I really do hope she is happy and that they have a long and happy relationship. i just would have hoped there would have been the courtesy to have let me know about something which will impact my daughter, as she is my one and only concern in everything.
and as to the ground rules, i expected, apparently incorrectly, that similar ground rules that applied to me and her other kids, would apply to our child, hence not having mentioned anything about it.Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
I've just realised, he hasn't actually move in, just staying over. Then I think you are indeed being totally unreasonable. Surely she can invite anyone over especially as your daughter knows of the nature of the relationship.
Why are you assuming he is horny and walks around naked? Talk about jumping to conclusions!
Why should she? Things might become serious with this man and he might indeed move in one day, in which case, it is much better than OP'd DD gets used to him in her life and vice-versa. Are you suggesting that he never stays over when she is there, so that it can be thrown at her one day that he is now living with them full-time whether she likes it or not?
she didnt know of the nature of the relationship before hand as this was the first time she had met him, or been told about him from what i know - please bare in mind that currently i am only getting second hand information from 'our' friends - but my ex is very 'open' about things so i have no reason to doubt this information, and what they was told is "she is going to meet him for the first time tonight because he is coming to stay overnight"
as to the last bit, well my point is i would have preferred for her to meet him first before he was staying overnight. for the first ever time of her meeting him, just feels rushed and a bit full on as she has been given no time to get used to the idea of having another man in her life, let alone him staying in her home.Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
She may have introduced him slowly at first and as you knew nothing about it then you cannot determine what way he was introduced here and by rights it has nothing to do with you either as she is an ex, That said common courtesy seems to have disappeared these days anyway and people look out for number 1.
I'd just leave her to it and as long as you know your child is safe there really is not an issue and more so if she is serious about this new guy and not bringing in every Tom, !!!! and Harry to the home for your child to see.0 -
Stevie_Palimo wrote: »She may have introduced him slowly at first and as you knew nothing about it then you cannot determine what way he was introduced here and by rights it has nothing to do with you either as she is an ex, That said common courtesy seems to have disappeared these days anyway and people look out for number 1.
I'd just leave her to it and as long as you know your child is safe there really is not an issue and more so if she is serious about this new guy and not bringing in every Tom, !!!! and Harry to the home for your child to see.
nope, no slow introduction, as it was the first time she has met him, and well as i said, she has been with three other guys (as well as this one) since we split in May, but i dont think she introduced them to her, so this is the first.Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
Thats funny ..horny and naked.. walking round... anyway i think she should of told you ,out of respect. ..i bet it was like a punch in the hart.... and hes in your house ...divorce her ...she dosent care how you feel“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw0
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