Flo's Debt Free Diary

Aaleigha

Sorry I went missing
holiday and came back to toxic MiL (even DH says that about his mother)

I have come back to reading your very very positive posts

now as soon as you are settled into work - give it a month of feeling settled and you will be in the right place to tackle the debt again - but like with phased return to work do a phased return to debt busting

doingitanyway

so nice to read you are doing well right now

crazy_cat_lady

Fantastic news Flo - pleased that things are on the up for you. Hang onto these good times.

Florence_J

I am feeling a bit down, this is because it is my time of the month and I always suffer mood wise when that happens. There is a condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder which I once went to my doctor about because I noticed that I always felt suicidal and that the world was ending around my period. It's difficult to diagnose and since I clearly have mental health problems anyway it is hard to say if I have that as well, or just suffer badly around my period.

So even though I had a good week at work and left triumphant on Friday, my brain is choosing to latch on to moments that passed with no drama at the time, but which are now being blown all out of proportion and for the first time since returning to work I am feeling the same sort of anxiety feelings.

I know this is caused by my period, but at this moment in time I can't quite convince myself to disregard these feelings.

The anxiety I do feel now though is a fraction of what I felt towards work before I went on sick leave, so that is a good thing.

I have an unquenchable thirst for some reason. I suffer from this a lot. I think I have dry mouth. No matter how many pints of water I drink I am still desperate for a drink.

I only feel relaxed when I am doing something towards my debt. If I do anything else I get anxious.

I am ok, but like everyone on the planet I would rather not be going to work tomorrow.

Florence_J

Hi everybody,

Things went very well this week. I feel happy and all is going ok. I had a good week at work and feel better.

doingitanyway

So pleased for you Flo. This is good to read. I hope you have a another good week coming up

Florence_J

Hi everyone,

Sorry for not being around, our internet connection decided to stop working and as a result we haven't had any internet really since early August.

I had a tax rebate of £182.20 which was nice and a bit unexpected, it certainly helped. My debt to the OH is now fully paid off (well, what I accrued this year and had to pay back is now fully paid back, the longer, larger outstanding debt is still there). My overdraft is a fifth of what it was in January, but I don't think I will be able to make a payment to it this month. But I am on track to have it cleared before the end of the year.

I am not in work today because I am attending the funeral of OH's grandmother who passed away a couple of weeks ago.

I am anxious about work. I made a mistake which isn't 100% a disaster but I am still very anxious about it. I discovered I made the mistake on Friday and I won't be back in work till tomorrow and I have got it into my head I am going to be fired. I am scared of work. I am to a certain degree enjoying it, but I am not good at it. I make mistakes. I am not retaining information. I am finding it difficult. I think my colleagues have got the wrong impression about me on a couple of things and I am too inadequate to put them right. I don't know how. I lack the emotional maturity to.

I need to start looking for a new job, but is this running away? I am glad I returned to work after my sick leave though it was very, very scary, but I think the job has run its course for me. I am not good at it. Even though by my mind I have only really been present at it since July, due to the sickness abscence of 28 days and holiday and a couple of days of sick leave before that, I can't escape the fact that I have been employed in that role since mid April, and I am not where I should be.

I am scared I will be fired because of this mistake. I am scared I will fail my 6 month probation and be fired in October. I am scared I will be let go when the maternity person I am covering returns in December.

I am also scared I won't be fired and I will have to struggle in this job.

I have lost all confidence about what I can do. I have struggled with an element of every job I have had. I have to a certain degree been happy in my jobs, but I have also always been looking to escape a part of them. I don't know what I can do. I don't know what I am capable of. To be honest at this moment in time I can't imagine ever applying for a job again, because I have seen how badly I have done at this one and I will be too afraid of being employed again incase I f*** it up again. I feel desperately sorry that my boss hired me.

All I can see in my future is temping. Limited responsibility. Less chance I will do anything wrong.

crazy_cat_lady

Flo :grouphug:
I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this. You actually could be my dh (if you know what I mean) - he's struggling with exactly the same things as you are at the moment at work. He made a mistake and has presumed that the worst is going to happen. Catastrophic thinking every single step of the way. Lots of love to you - I hope that you can work through it and start feeling a bit better soon.
Fab news on the tax rebate :j

Florence_J

Hi all,

I just looked back through this page of the thread and it seems I have one 'up' and one 'down' post which should be a big sign to me that the world is not going to end just because I think it is going to end at that point. I will survive.

It could just be that my last post was a down post so I am due an 'up' now.

I have to tell you all something, which is that I have had two 1-1's with my line manager recently and the way things are going....it is unlikely I will have my contract extended past October, if not sooner. It is sort of the case that I have failed my six month probation, but my line manager said it wasn't that, but the paranoid part of me thinks she is just saying that to spare my feelings, or to prevent me from suing.

I could be out of a job very soon.

As much as I have found it stressful, as much as it probably wasn't the job for me either in the past or the future, as much as it was always, always a fixed term contract and I was told on my first day it could just be six months, I still feel a little stunned and scared. As much as I have struggled with all my jobs, I don't want to not work, as I enjoy and feel a satisfaction from working. It gives me self esteem.

But, I will survive.

I am sort of, in a perverse way maybe, excited about the change in circumstances that could happen and how I will adapt and what the future holds.

Florence_J

To up date.

My contract is not being extended. My last day is 26/10/2017.

My manager gave me the option to resign instead of failing my probation and being dismissed. I don't know if it was the right decision or not but that is what I have done. Part of me thinks I may have been shanghai'd in some way, but I don't know.

I have been feeling very stressed. I am very confused about what to do.

This is going to sound ludicrous, believe me I know, but deep down I have this belief that I will only ever be able to get a job at my current place of work and I will certainly never get a full time job in my home town. This is because I believe the universe wants me to suffer.

My quality of life has suffered so much. I don't know why, as I actually take more flexi time in this job then my previous roles, and I don't go to my football sessions anymore, but I seem to have no time left to myself in the evenings. I have had to ban TV/DVDs/Catch up shows (other than the news) during the week as it is the only way I can fit in the basic life skills such as washing on a semi regular basis.

And yes soon I will have plenty of time as I will be unemployed. But I think the problem will still exist because I am convinced this is the only place that will ever hire me.

Aaargh. Well, like I said. I have one 'up' and one 'down' post.