Flo's Debt Free Diary

reality_check

Hope you feel better soon. I wouldn't mention about your work causing you problems right now as they can’t really do much other than tell you then maybe it’s not the right job for you….which maybe it’s not, but could be very much just because of the way you are feeling. I would think that your personal problems are enough for them to know for now. Would you be able to work part time? Or rather than be off sick, go in a few days a week and might keep you in a routine, but not feel too overwhelmed? X x

Florence_J

reality_check wrote: »

Hope you feel better soon. I wouldn't mention about your work causing you problems right now as they can’t really do much other than tell you then maybe it’s not the right job for you….which maybe it’s not, but could be very much just because of the way you are feeling. I would think that your personal problems are enough for them to know for now. Would you be able to work part time? Or rather than be off sick, go in a few days a week and might keep you in a routine, but not feel too overwhelmed? X x

Thanks for your advice Reality_Check . The whole thing has made me question everything about my working life.

There was once a time when I wanted to only work Part Time, but that's because I was exploring more creative prospects, so it wasn't so much a case of I only wanted/could only cope with working part time, but that I wanted a semi regular income and a chance to pursue my passions, and potentially earn from that.

My debts mean working full time is really the only option for me, or certainly the best option.

If I like the job and don't find the work stressful, then I have no problem with working full time. In the role I was in before this current one I found it a joy to go in and didn't have any problem with the commute. Yes, half the job-the customer facing element-I coped badly with. But that was a small part of my working day and I would gladly go back to that role if only I could.

But now, I don't know. Can I cope with any work?

This role was supposed to be my dream role, the start of a potentially brilliant and rewarding role in an area I had long tried to get into.

And I fell at the first hurdle.

I like working with colleagues, and actually the sad thing is I have always wanted to be in a role that helps people, so that would imply it involves some customer service elements, but my social anxiety means I find it crippling.

I've had this thought, that at this moment in time I need a job I can do/cope with, not a dream career, not the first step on a ladder I want to climb, just a job that won't make me worse.

But is that hiding from the problem? Should I confront it and force myself into scary situations or should I retreat to get better?

I really don't know what the right step is and my Doctor and everyone I speak to keep saying there is no one size fits all answer, that combating mental health means trying lots of things out to see what works, but I would do anything for an answer. If my Doctor told me eating meat would solve everything then after 14 years without it I would start eating meat again.

Week 1 of my 4 weeks off work has been completed, I just need to do what I can to try and solve the problem with the remaining weeks.

reality_check

A good job is great, the dream career we would all love, but your health always comes first. I believe we should work to live, not live to work. Good luck with it all, can't be easy feeling how you are xxx

Aaleigha

would a slightly different role within the company be possible - so the elements you find most difficult are given to a coleague and you take on something they do - just as a tempory measure. It might not be possible, but it is something I did in essence I did two job shares it worked for me and when I was ready I started to take back my own role

perhaps when the time comes that is a route that can be looked into - but for now - you need to look after you - the rest will sort itself - but the constant worry is making your healing more difficult for you xx

Florence_J

reality_check wrote: »

A good job is great, the dream career we would all love, but your health always comes first. I believe we should work to live, not live to work. Good luck with it all, can't be easy feeling how you are xxx

Aaleigha wrote: »

would a slightly different role within the company be possible - so the elements you find most difficult are given to a coleague and you take on something they do - just as a tempory measure. It might not be possible, but it is something I did in essence I did two job shares it worked for me and when I was ready I started to take back my own role

perhaps when the time comes that is a route that can be looked into - but for now - you need to look after you - the rest will sort itself - but the constant worry is making your healing more difficult for you xx

Thank you both.

Florence_J

Today marks a few notable achievements which are that my credit card/overdraft debt is now under £4750, which is the lowest it has been for around 19 months. And that means if you include that debt and the debt I owe my OH, then I have paid off just over £1850 this year towards my debts.

I am now up to £10 in Amazon Vouchers on Job Spotter with very minimal effort.

I am volunteering for 2 hours at a Food Bank tomorrow because Food Banks are something I passionately support, this is because if we didn't have the support of OH's parents, then me and the OH would have needed a food bank.

FurryBeastOz

:jYay Flo brilliant news on the debt reduction.

Florence_J

Well, I did a bit of a stupid but nice thing today.

I volunteered at a Super Market Drive for a food bank today, and I got a bit swept up in the emotions of the event, seeing the generosity of people donating, hearing stories (it wasn't uncommon for someone to come up with a bag of donations and say how they had to use a food bank in the past or came so close to needing one) and talking to the other, more veteran, volunteers and hearing what they desperately needed....and basically I spent £13 I don't have on food to donate.

OH and I had a very rational and adult 'discussion' about it when I got home. For OH it was frustrating and confusing as yesterday evening he watched me sell a lot of my DVDs and Books, including many he was partial to, for a pittance, and then spend a near equivalent today. So for him it was counter productive.

I am very glad I am at this point in my life where I may occasionally still be a t*** with money, but I am not afraid to tell OH. It probably won't surprise you that there was a point in my life where I was 'flexible' with the truth.

I can't ever imagine going back to that way of life.

So I was stupid, I mean, it might not be a mistake that will see me go to hell, it's not like I bought myself something pretty and sparkly and unessential, but the whole point of me giving my time to the food banks is that I can't give my money, and that is £13 I may be struggling to come up with in the very near future.

So I hope no one here admonishes me for it, as I already have a bit of buyers remorse (the other part of me is glad I helped) and if it excuses me in some way I opened the post this morning to a £25 cheque from my Aunt with strict instructions to spend it on what ever I wanted.

And that was what I wanted.

I still don't know what I am going to do about the job situation. I know vaguely what I want to do in life, but 'Money/Food Waste/Charity superhero' isn't a job you see advertised.

My two 'dream' career choices at the moment are:

1) Debt Advisor

2) The owner of a food waste/food recycling supermarket and cafe. If anyone watched the first episode of Save Money Good Food on ITV then you will have seen what I want to do. I want to own a warehouse type place that receives donations of food from supermarkets and restaurants of stuff that is still safe to eat but can't be sold/used in store and I want to sell it at a discounted rate and have a little cafe which only uses donated food.

These are a little esoteric, and number 2 is unlikely to happen at any point in the future, and most likely never unless I can get someone else on board. Also I have no money.

But I know what my values are. As terrified as I am of strangers all I want to do is help people. Which is what makes my anxiety so hard to deal with, if I naturally disliked people I probably would never have noticed I was afraid of them....the fact that I am interested in people and want to help people makes me hate the anxiety more and more because I notice it so much more.

Florence_J

Went to my counselling session today where it was discovered that I put everyone first before myself, to the point that there is nothing left for me, and that I need to put myself first, and be a bit more selfish.

I had an x ray done on my leg and in a week I will know if I can start running again or not.

I have a meeting at my (old?) workplace tomorrow with the occupational health team and I am a bit scared.

I am worried about my mum as she has been cutting our phone calls short and today she sent me a text saying she was feeling unwell and wouldn't be able to call me (she is calling me at 4 each weekday)

The 27th is my payday, though this is the first payday I am dreading as I don't know what I will wake up to in my account tomorrow but I'm guessing it won't be enough and I will start getting into debt again.

I had a bit of difficulty getting to sleep last night and I woke up early.

My counsellor said I seemed brighter today and I know I have only been to two previous sessions but this is the first one where I didn't cry.

I hope all will be ok.

Florence_J

Today I got paid the full amount so I live to fight another day