Flo's Debt Free Diary

Aaleigha

of course its about having your needs met (took me ages to recognise that) I became a people pleaser to try to validate myself - but that doesnt work

try to work out exactly what your needs are and then break them down into the smallest units you can get those you trust to help you work on one little area at a time - we need to do some of the work ourselves - but I do know how hard it is to approach people xx

Aaleigha

just checking in

wondering if you are getting counselling
I have been in counselling for 2.5 years my counsellor is brilliant she does some clients on a reduced sum and charges me half at £20 now as I am on ESA my husband has been brilliant and paid for this for me - but I would have managed somehow if I had known how positives the results would be - I still have social phobia and bipolar and always will - however I am able to go out now with my daughter or husband with me - or a good friend - and can now wander off on my own for a bit in busy towns as long as I am not surrounded by too many people - next step is to go out on my own - would be doing that this week apart from bit of a family emergency with mother in law - if you can find a counsellor that will work in such a way PLEASE TRY IT also in my area there is a charity that gives counselling on a what you can afford basis - a friend pays just £5 as your doc if there is something in your area - really hoping the weekend was good to you xxx

Florence_J

Aaleigha wrote: »

just checking in

wondering if you are getting counselling
I have been in counselling for 2.5 years my counsellor is brilliant she does some clients on a reduced sum and charges me half at £20 now as I am on ESA my husband has been brilliant and paid for this for me - but I would have managed somehow if I had known how positives the results would be - I still have social phobia and bipolar and always will - however I am able to go out now with my daughter or husband with me - or a good friend - and can now wander off on my own for a bit in busy towns as long as I am not surrounded by too many people - next step is to go out on my own - would be doing that this week apart from bit of a family emergency with mother in law - if you can find a counsellor that will work in such a way PLEASE TRY IT also in my area there is a charity that gives counselling on a what you can afford basis - a friend pays just £5 as your doc if there is something in your area - really hoping the weekend was good to you xxx

Thank you, I am having counselling, I've not long returned from my session. It was good. I am finding it very helpful.

Florence_J

So this week I have been concentrating on money making and I have gone a little survey crazy.

I have been experimenting with taking supplements, and it could be a placebo affect but they seem to be having a bit of an affect on my mental health.

Some things have definitely improved, I am noticing that I am getting less worked up with anxiety about things that would previously have crippled me.

I am not looking forward to going back to work. That is a clear fact. I will look forward to not worrying about money coming in. And I am again less worked up about the fact I will have to go back to work.

Part of me is wishing for the year to be over, because by the end of the year my contract at work will have ended, and my debt to OH and my overdraft should be cleared by then.

Also I will get to see Queen.

Things are ok. Some things regarding my mental health have improved, some have stayed as bad, but it hasn't got worse.

I am a bit anxious as I am going away for a few days on holiday with OH, his parents, his sister and his sister's friend and I am worried I will get anxious or that I will panic because being in social situations or on holiday-things that any sane, rational person would be enjoying-put me under pressure to be that sane, rational person who enjoys things. Which is just the thing to set my anxiety off. So I can't win. I am scared my mind will betray me again, but at least my OH's family know about my anxiety and mental health now, so that gives me the freedom to be less 'on show' and more honest about how I feel. I need to be honest. I can't hide it.

Aaleigha

you have been doing so much thinking - good thing
what supplements are you taking I found vit d3 (and took calcuim) and b vits to be particulary helpful - also upping the foods I ate with tryptophan in them

eating a good balanced diet will help

as for a holiday, yes I too would dread any sort of holiday where you have to be social - hence me going to the middle of wales and walking in the forest and hills. But being outside your comfort zone may prove to you how strong you are becoming - you sound much better than you did

as for the polls yes I too have had a week like that - also sold stuff on ebay - I am soon going to get to the point where I need to loose more weight so I have more to sell
one of the other ladies at SW bought me a gift card this week - because according to her - she can afford it and I deserve it for my kindness to her when she started and I am inspiration - well I was stunned she has in effect paid for my next 12 weeks - I know this lady is wealthy - but I said I could not accept - and promptly got told I would offend her if I didnt -
that has save me 50 so that has gone to the debt as has 57 pound from ebay so very happy with that so far

you are so determind thank you it helps

have a great holiday and remember at the hard bits - THIS TOO SHALL PASS but I am sure as you are amongst people you know they will make it as easy as possible for you
H xx

Florence_J

Thank you Aaleigha,

The weekend was perfect, absolutely fine, I was perfectly capable mentally and had a great time and feel recharged.

I am still not looking forward to going back to work but I am not consumed with anxiety about it like I was at this point last week.

It feels like the bad thoughts are still entering my mind, but now there is a champion baseball star in there who when they see the bad thoughts coming is able to hit them back out of my brain rather than have them ricochet around my mind, causing me anguish.

It is my last day of freedom today, I will ring as much from it as I can.

I am currently very happy, take care all.

reality_check

It sounds like the time off has done you the world of good – onwards and upwards.

Hope your first day back went well xx

p.s thank you for the congratulations!

Florence_J

I feel like a new person.

I feel like I have been hypnotised or had a good lobotomy. I feel so different.

There was a point earlier this year when I said that I was the happiest I had ever been, and I don't want to get too excited but I feel not too dissimilar to that now.

I went to a food festival today and it involved being in a large crowd and I didn't feel the littlest bit phased or anxious.

I don't know where this has come from, but I am enjoying it.

Florence_J

It is Sunday night. In the past I used to get the 'Sunday Night Blues' on Saturday morning and I would get more and more worked up as the time counted down to my 6am alarm on Monday morning and get more and more anxious and more and more depressed.

Now it is a mild 'it would be nice to have more time at home' kind of feeling.

I know this week will be tougher as it will be my first full week since going back. But I am currently feeling so strong. I have the urge to commit to more things and take more on and I have to be so careful as I always have this urge to be some sort of 'super woman' and do everything under the sun and it is that idea that gets me repeatedly into trouble when I collapse under the strain of everything.

So I will be cautious. I will just do my counselling on Mondays, my twice monthly volunteer sessions, and I am planning on starting running again. I want to run a half marathon in my University town next March, to raise money for mind. This is because during my time off I became obsessed with reading sports biographies and beginners guides. Running is for me an almost purely mental sport. If I am feeling upset I can probably still do a cycle, but if I am in even a little bit of a bad mood then I can't run, not even a little bit.

So for me to achieve at running is almost like a sign I have conquered my mental health.

This is why I want to do it.

Florence_J

I have had a lovely week at work which ended on Friday with me feeling #winning YES i put a hashtag in here to emphasise my point!

I'll admit my mood dipped on Wednesday because I started feeling really nauseated and in pain at work and cancelled my cinema plans with OH which was very wise as I spent the entire of Wednesday evening throwing up in my largest mixing bowl whilst watching Neighbours. I went to bed whilst it was still light outside. I was worried because I was scared I would have to call in sick to work on Thursday and I felt I couldn't because it would have been a real situation if the week after I return from a 28 day absence I call in sick. (I am not saying my line managers would have made me work if I was ill-they have been great-or that they wouldn't have believed me, this is just how I felt about the situation)

Luckily, I woke up on Thursday bizarrely hot, but recovered.

I had a great night out with friends last night and I am getting better at telling people what has happened to me and how I am. I have always tried to hide it (even when the way I have been acting makes it painfully obvious I am struggling) and I'm not saying it is easy to tell people I have had a mental health crisis and that I have mental health problems, but I am getting better at it.

I have approximately £2.55 and whatever is in my sort-of sealed pot to last till Thursday which is payday, but here is the problem....

My 28 day absence off work due to my mental health has meant I have gone over my allocated sick days for the year at my employer. This means almost the entirety of my 28 day absence will be at half pay, as I have run out of statutory sick pay days.

My pay day this Thursday will be severely reduced.

And with counselling costs, the debt payments I want to make,my season ticket to work, saving for Christmas, paying back OH, I leave myself a tiny disposable income each month, and I have NO savings, so I pretty much allocate every penny of my wage each month to my various expenses.

I don't have much room for error.

OH has said he is reluctant to lend me anymore money, which is fair, that's not saying he won't - he won't leave me to struggle unnecessarily - but I can appreciate bailing me out all the time doesn't solve the problem.

We have come to an agreement that certain valuable items I own, or things that belong to me that OH covets, will now be his (so if we split up they will be his) and I don't have to pay rent this month (it comes out of his account) and to be clear that is an amount of money that I will never have to pay back - because OH has got the money back in things like my camera and my....X Files Boxset.

I have arranged to come into work slightly later on Thursday so I have a little bit of time in the morning to do damage control about my finances. I have to buy my month's season ticket for the train that day so I will need a hefty wodge of dosh in my account to cover that.

So that is the situation.

But let's reflect on this.

This is my 1500th post on MSE forum. I have come so far since then. I am a completely different person for the better regarding my finances. I can't do anything about how bad I was in the past and my present is a bit iffy, but I know I have the makings of having a golden future. I may not be debt free by the time I am 30, but it certainly won't have been because I didn't put in 100% effort

I used to be so embarrassingly bad with money that I went into an un-arranged overdraft usually more than once a month. That hasn't happened since December 2015. Not once. Not even by a penny.

I have wombled over £1000 this year alone.

I was able to save the money in a sealed pot to give my best friend £100 for her wedding.

I haven't used a credit card in around about 8 months.

And it had to blow up in my face a bit, but I am finally getting the help I need for my mental health and I think it is working.

Just keep swimming Flo. It will all work out in the end.